Episode 22 - Vampire 101

[00:00:00] Speaker A: You're listening to the all night society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queen's courts games. [00:00:36] Speaker B: The sun sets once again on the city of Chicago. We joked a few nights back about how the. The era of waking up to errands was over. No princes, no primage in there to define your schedule. It's my mistake. I should not have led you into a false sense of confidence. I didn't account for other officers of the court. No, it's not Prince Jackson setting the rules tonight. Or Annabelle or critius. Even Jason Newberry has not managed to infest your lives tonight. Nope. It's Joshua. It's Joshua and his big, dumb dad heart. Now, Ivy, it goes without saying you would not bring Alex to the manor. Of all the things that people need to learn about being a vampire, the intricacies of tremere living, not very high on the list, right? [00:01:31] Speaker C: No, I would argue not. [00:01:34] Speaker B: And Schmendric. You didn't offer outright, but, I mean, you couldn't blame anybody else for assuming that you, as the most human, as the kindest, as the most willing to help the less fortunate, you would have opened your home to Mr. Alexander Scott. [00:01:51] Speaker D: I mean, at this second, there's little other choice. But I'm starting to learn this lesson that I should really stop being so dang nice all the time. Granted, it's my boon, so I should do the work for it and not pawn them off on someone else. That would be something an elder vampire would do, I'm sure. [00:02:15] Speaker B: Of course. And even that lets you retain your humanity in a certain way, because what are elders, aside from people moving pawns on a board, right? You might be a pawn to them, but you're not going to treat Ivy that way. And, God, I mean, Alex has been here for, what, 12 hours of vampirism? It's way too early to start moving him like pieces, right? [00:02:35] Speaker D: I haven't hit that point in my own life where I've decided to start considering people to be pawns. [00:02:41] Speaker B: Well, Alex, you had a precious little amount of time to spend with the coterie. Do you feel like a pawn after all of that? [00:02:49] Speaker A: No, I felt like the little brother syndrome, but I guess that's about it so far. [00:02:56] Speaker B: Then let's begin here, friends. Each of you is waking up knowing the night that's laid out before you. I want to know how you're reacting to that. Can think back to your human lives. What kind of day would mirror the experience you're having now? The energy of waking up and thinking, oh, fuck, let's handle this in reverse age order, shall we? Alex, you were the first up. It's going through your mind, kid. [00:03:27] Speaker A: I'm still trying to process everything. There's a level of excitement brought about by confusion. I don't know what I can do. I don't know how this is going to be going, but new rules can sometimes be kind of exciting to see what that leads to. I feel so good, but at the same time I feel so goddamn awful and I just kind of want to see where this rabbit hole goes. [00:03:56] Speaker B: It's a weird kind of hangover where you wake up with a headache and. [00:04:00] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like that one time I did Molly. Yeah. I woke up the next day feeling terrible, but, oh, man, I felt like water. [00:04:09] Speaker B: Well, liquid as you are now, it does appear that you've risen at least a few minutes before Schmendrick. Inside the shipping container, bathed in Christmas lights, there's only one bed, so you would have either had to sprawl out on the floor or find a way to nest in a beanbag. What do you do? I mean, you've woken up, but I'm using that as a euphemism. It's more like a light bulb. One moment. You're off, now you're on. [00:04:39] Speaker A: Taking a look around, I try to get my bearings straight. I guess I'm still in one of Schmendrick's little oracle matrix tubes. All the computers. This is kind of cool. I got a man in the chair now, dope. We're gonna do some surveillance shit. It's gonna be so cool. It's gonna be absolute wizard. [00:05:01] Speaker B: Feeling a little bit like Alfred there at the end of the dark night. [00:05:05] Speaker A: Absolutely. Just looking around and now I'm trying to find some sense of community security. I don't want to say humanity, I've been told. That's not really the thing anymore, to say. I don't know where Schmendrick is, I don't know where Ivy went, and so far, to my own knowledge, that's probably the only family I'm going to get to have for a long time, and I suddenly feel very alone in my excitement. [00:05:33] Speaker B: Well, tying it to family makes it a bit weird, because aside from the fact that you have two mommies and depending on your cultural upbringing, that might be a shock to you. You do know where Schmendrick is? She's sleeping in the shipping container. She's like 3ft from you. And sleeping is, again, a very inept euphemism. Schmendrick looks monstrous, which makes it difficult to apply certain human behaviors to her. And I get that there's going to be that barrier. But even with that said, even if she didn't have that particular unfortunate face, she's not sleeping. That's a corpse. You know, in your heart of heart, in the back of your brain, in your bones, that's a corpse. [00:06:16] Speaker A: It's terrifying. The uncanny valley that I feel looking at it is disturbing, but at the same time, again, it brings a sense of comfort to me. I want to wake them up, but at the same time, I don't know if that's a thing I can even do. So I'm just going to awkwardly kind of putts around the room as I'm way too polite to wake them up. So I'm just going to look at the computer screens and entertain myself until they rouse. [00:06:47] Speaker B: Oh, God. You don't touch anything, do you? [00:06:50] Speaker A: I think about it. I think about it a lot and I can't bring my hands to actually touch any of the keys. Some weird crippling anxiety prevents me from actually doing anything with this property that is not mine. [00:07:05] Speaker B: Does that kick in before you start to reach for it? Because Schmendrick's going to wake up right now and I want her to have a perfect mental picture of exactly your posture. Like, what is she interrupting? When silently she just sits up in her bed and sees you. [00:07:23] Speaker A: There is definitely the extension of the hand and the bending of the fingers. The hovering, though, has forced me to stop just above them, like some pianist turn into a stone statue. Just before they hit the crescendo, my hands hang over the keys and I'm just kind of looking at them. I'm going to press them. I'm going to press them. [00:07:46] Speaker B: Schmendrick, he just woke up. He's going to press him. Look at him. He looks like he's going to press him. [00:07:50] Speaker D: This situation brings a smile to my face. I know full well that even if he touched those keys, he wouldn't know the proper keystroke to get things moving, as it were. And even if he was able to find that keystroke, the password itself super encrypted, not going to get in in a million years. So I just kind of set my face on my hand and I watch for a moment, shuffling slightly around in the bed. It's like, what are you doing? [00:08:22] Speaker A: Nothing. Hey, good morning, batgirl. I didn't want to wake you up and I was bored, so I was thinking about watching something. Yeah, but I couldn't press any buttons. I couldn't do it. [00:08:44] Speaker D: Do you not have a phone? I mean, I have a tablet over there if you want to watch something that. However, that machine, highly tuned piece of equipment would not suggest using it to play solitaire or watch YouTube. [00:09:04] Speaker B: I mean, I'm a little surprised Mendrick put baby in the corner with an iPad. Seems more like Ivy's parenting style. [00:09:11] Speaker D: It's not even that I want to put baby in the corner with the iPad. The iPad is what I use to watch dribble on the Internet, so it's not a disparaging thing. The computer is just always processing something, and I try not to interfere with that process. [00:09:32] Speaker B: All those gigabytes of ram and you still can't spare. What is it now, ten or twelve to run chrome at this point in the future? [00:09:39] Speaker D: Why bog it down with that? It's got its function. And you know what? I have my own function too, and this is just how I like my things to be. [00:09:50] Speaker B: Well, on the topic of machines built for specific purpose, Ivy, how's your morning going? Morning? In finger quotes? [00:10:00] Speaker C: It was going great until I remembered that I have to be somewhere else. [00:10:05] Speaker B: How long does that take? What's that blissful pause between waking up? You're a tramir. You got a great house. You can do blood magic, clean your own little universe. Don't have to see disabled today. Oh, fuck. I gotta go talk to the baby. How long does that take? [00:10:24] Speaker C: It's a good five or ten minutes. I have my morning ritual. I get up, I pick the outfit for the day. I go downstairs, meet Grigor in the kitchen, and take stock of my entire schedule. It's right about then, after I've got everything figured out, that I'm brought back to the fact that there's this little baby vampire that I probably have to go deal with today, because, look, I. [00:10:57] Speaker B: Like Schmendrick as much as you're capable of such a thing. [00:11:02] Speaker C: Yes. But if I left Schmendrick to teach the baby how to vampire, this baby vampire would be fucked. And that's the nicest way that I can put. [00:11:15] Speaker B: Mm hmm. Well, you have this revelation, as you've said, after going through your initial routine, planning, what is it you were going to do tonight that you can't because you have to go teach kindergarten? [00:11:31] Speaker C: I was going to dive into that lovely little book that I picked up the night before, take it to my study, dim the lights, candles, just create the ambiance to just really get into a good book. [00:11:44] Speaker B: Yeah, really treat yourself. [00:11:48] Speaker C: But no, I will have to fit. [00:11:50] Speaker B: The book in somewhere else and scale from one to ten, the outfit that you picked before you realized you had to go do this errand. How close to kindergarten teacher are we talking? Like, imagine I'm a parent and I come to pick up my child from the place where you teach, and I see you, what you're wearing now, what level of confidence am I coming away with? [00:12:15] Speaker C: Hard zero, probably. I don't know many kindergarten teachers that have ripped holes in their jeans or ratty old converse. [00:12:27] Speaker B: At the very least, it's one of those very, very expensive hips for kindergartens. [00:12:31] Speaker C: Yeah, but even then, there's a lot more crochet. [00:12:35] Speaker B: I always forget about the crochet. No, you're right. Judging how you feel about this, I'm conflicted on a point here, because on the one hand, I feel like you're going to leave right away to make sure Schmendrick doesn't get any more unsupervised teaching time than is absolute necessary. But on the other hand, there's that part of me that thinks maybe some revenge Procrastination might be in order. So how long it's going to take you to get to big Bob tonight? [00:13:04] Speaker C: Look, it's not revenge procrastination. It's me taking care of my to do list. It just so happens that it's a little long. I have lots of things that I have to take care of, and yes, Grigor could do it, but again, anybody else would have gotten it wrong. So I have emails to send, not using my real name, of course, using my mask. I am not one to so brazenly breach the masquerade on a nightly basis, but once my list is taken care of, I'll fire off a text message to Schmendrick, see where she and the baby are at, and I'll meet up with them then. It probably takes an hour, hour and a half. [00:13:47] Speaker B: Yikes. A whole hour? Schmendric, that's a lot of time to kill. I was going to ask if you have a plan, but, I mean, you're so. [00:13:58] Speaker D: As of right now, I have no plans for Alex. Though I am intrigued by the fact that he's currently wearing one of my sweaters, particularly the my small horses one, and I kind of tug at it a little bit and go, you know? Looks kind of good on you. [00:14:15] Speaker A: Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's a little tight around the chest and the shoulders, but it's really comfy and it's not my favorite pony. I like applesauce better, but it's solid choice. Solid choice. [00:14:33] Speaker D: I think I have an applesauce one somewhere, but thought. Did you have a house? A place you lived before you joined the official club? [00:14:48] Speaker A: Yeah, I had an apartment with my roommate, my good buddy, Ricky J. Oh, shit. I didn't come back home. Oh, man. If I'm lucky, he thinks I'm getting laid. Oh, shit. [00:15:03] Speaker D: Okay. A couple of problems, though. You're dead officially. There are problems tying you right now, and we're going to have to deal with that at some point. But two, we're probably going to have to sneak into your apartment and get you some actual clothes. So you're not wearing my stuff all of the time. [00:15:25] Speaker A: Yeah, this is a nice fit, but it's not my vibe, so I think that's probably the best. Plus, you're, like, seven inches shorter than me. I don't think I can wear all your clothes. [00:15:37] Speaker D: Yeah, I was just thinking about that, too. [00:15:40] Speaker B: That's going to look real boystown, if you know what I mean. [00:15:44] Speaker D: I like the idea that something that goes down to my mid thighs goes up to, like, nearly his belly button on him. But yeah, he can't keep this up. Piecing together what remains of his life is probably going to be one of those things. We should get out of the way quickly. [00:16:04] Speaker B: And Alex, I get the impression that it hasn't really landed for you yet. Tremendrik said you're dead. And yes, that's true biologically, but there's also that part where there was a brutal criminal incident at your place of work and there's blood everywhere and you're missing. Your parents are probably getting a really sad phone call right now. Your best friends are being questioned by the police about your whereabouts. This is not just a matter of Alex is missing. Alex has been the victim of a terrible felony tied to a serious criminal enterprise. And like, buddy, I don't know how to break this to you, but like, alex is you. [00:16:41] Speaker A: Now, this dawning realization has occurred to me. I'm starting to realize this is a lot more complicated than just being okay physically. This is about to get very complex legally. And, I mean, if I go back to my apartment and Ricky J's there and someone has told him of my passing, that's going to be a very hard conversation to have. I can't just be like, oh, no, that was absolutely Bobby just pranking you, because I can't use that twice, and I already used it in college. I look to Spendrick, my eyes wide, my jaw dropped as this realization hits me. Spendrick, I think we're going to have a complicated issue going back to my apartment, I just realized I'm dead. Not in the whole. Oh, I have a gaping chest wound. I'll walk it off. Dead, like. No, I am legally probably reported dead. And if I go home and Ricky J's there and he sees me alive and, uh, we have a threes company situation and I'm all three of the housemates. I don't know how to fucking handle this. [00:17:46] Speaker D: The moment he parrots back to me that I'm dead, I face palm. Like, full on Face palm, just like. Yes, that's what I was telling you. Listen, I understand that because you still look like you did when you were alive. I did not have that benefit. That it's going to be really tempting to make amends to the people that were in your life before, but I'm going to promise you 100%, you cannot go back into contact with these people. You have to move on. There will be too many questions, too many lies that need be told. To keep this secret, it is better to fresh start. [00:18:25] Speaker A: I think you make a lot of really good points there, Shmendrick. I can't go see my parents. I can't go see my friends, because if everyone's already told them I'm dead or will tell them I'm dead, then I can't compete with that. And they need to mourn me and. Yeah, that sounds a lot easier. I guess this means no more thirsty Thursdays with the boys. [00:18:47] Speaker D: They're still thirsty Thursdays. That's not a bar. [00:18:51] Speaker B: It's, hey, when you got a beast, every night's thirsty Thursday. [00:18:57] Speaker D: Giving that up sooner rather than later is the best choice for all of us. Not to mention, you tend to make enemies when you've joined the special club. Your family, friends, those boys at Thirsty Thursdays, they all kind of get rolled up into that. And your enemies aren't exactly picky when they come to pay your family a visit. [00:19:24] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. That's why superheroes have secret identities, to protect the ones that they love. So I'm going to have to start getting a new secret identity and probably new loved ones too. [00:19:36] Speaker D: Yeah. Or at least I still have loved ones. I just admire them from a distance. Because I'll be honest, if they saw me right now as I am, they'd probably lose their shit and run away. [00:19:49] Speaker A: No, I think it's a good vibe. You got this whole, like, I could be like, the creepy goth girlfriend at the dark club look, it's not my cup of tea, but I think it's working for you. [00:20:03] Speaker D: Well, creepy goth girlfriend at the dark club ensures that people don't really see me that well. Which is exactly what I'm going for. [00:20:11] Speaker B: Ivy, I know you're not present, but how do you feel about Schmendrick appropriating your culture as a disguise? [00:20:20] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm definitely not about that. It's incredibly disrespectful. [00:20:26] Speaker D: We're different creepy goth girlfriends. You're the fancy one that wants all the attention. I'm the one that's like, just leave me alone. [00:20:35] Speaker C: I think there's a difference between wants all the attention and gets all the attention. Just want to make that distinction. [00:20:42] Speaker D: Potatoes, potatoes. [00:20:44] Speaker B: Someone's been hanging out with Annabelle too long. Well, Ivy, as they have that conversation, you will cross the city driving north from your location, narrow downtown up into the industrial district, past Goose island to Big Bob's big storage. You've made this drive dozens of times. I imagine it still feels a little gross when you pull into the parking lot and there's that crunch of gravel and you think about the fact that you have a black car that never gets old. [00:21:12] Speaker C: Yeah, I try not to think about it, but this is why I pay a lot of money to my guys to keep it looking perfect. [00:21:21] Speaker B: The gate is open this evening, which, as you've learned, means big Bob's on station. There's no way you're going to be able to walk past without getting his attention. [00:21:32] Speaker C: Great. I'm not going to lie. I'd kind of hoped that by being a little bit later tonight I would avoid this. But I guess it's inevitable. I can't avoid him forever, much as I'd like. [00:21:46] Speaker D: We're talking about a married man with marital problems. He's not home right now. [00:21:52] Speaker C: No, but he could be at thirsty Thursdays. [00:21:56] Speaker B: Do you attempt to go by unnoticed or do you make the perfunctory gesture of swinging by the office? You know that no matter what, you're going to have to interact with him, so you get to at least set the tone. [00:22:11] Speaker C: Going up to the office and initiating conversation feels much too nice. It's too close. I'm not close to Bob. That's Schmendrick's thing. So, no, I will park the car. I'll start walking through the gate, and if he pops his head out and calls out to me, I'll do the midwest. Oh, hi. But I'm not so midwest that I'll pop in to say hello yet. [00:22:41] Speaker B: I mean, to be clear, you're like 0% midwest, right? You're not allowing any of this to absorb into you by osmosis. [00:22:48] Speaker C: No, I know, but it's just I'm not a very good chameleon in that way. [00:22:55] Speaker B: Well, you are correct that big Bob, like a round, lovable prairie dog, does pop his head up as you come by at first just because there's a stranger on his lawn. Then he recognizes you and you see him go from business suspicion to relaxed, a little amused. He gives you a big country wave, hollering out through the open window, hey, slim and spooky. It's been a while. [00:23:22] Speaker C: Hi, Bob. Yeah, I've been a little busy. Taking a much needed mental health break. [00:23:29] Speaker B: Oh yeah, that's what they're talking about on the daytime tv. They said you got to make time for yourself. Part of that whole like great resignation thing. People say I'm going to stay home at work and keep my sweatpants on because that keeps all my nuggets right in my brain. [00:23:42] Speaker C: Is that why you wear sweatpants to work? [00:23:46] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely. Now, shit, I'm going to start using that. Wife complains to me, I'm going to say, no, baby, I'm just taking care of my own business. Thanks for that. Hey. Yeah, I know you're here to see your friend and all that, but I have a question for you. This door, car door. Is your friend coming back for that? Because he's gesturing to the door to Josh's car, which Alex removed in an impromptu fashion the night before. [00:24:15] Speaker C: Oh shit. Yeah. I don't actually know, but he loves that car. So I'm inclined to say that once he realizes that he left it that he'll come back. I can ask him if you like. [00:24:35] Speaker B: Yeah, that'd be good because I think I can get probably two, $300 for that. And if he's not going to come back real quick, I got some friends who'd love to spare parts. I mean, classic body work like that, hard to come by. And Big Bob isn't the kind of guy who sits on money unless we're talking about that Jr. Schmendrick got me so cocking a thumb over his shoulder. I don't know what the equivalent of like $400 gamer girl chair is when you are a probably going to die in his 60s salvage and storage lot attendant. But whatever that is, Bob's got it. [00:25:14] Speaker C: Schmenderk bought you a new chair? [00:25:18] Speaker B: Yeah, executron 4000. It said on the. It's got lumbar support things seated on the bottom. It's got a little switch that makes those little nubs start rumbling under your lower parts. Not a huge fan of that, but I can see it makes it feel powerful, I guess. [00:25:36] Speaker C: Great. It is really important to have a good chair when you. [00:25:40] Speaker B: You ever sat in one? [00:25:44] Speaker C: No. [00:25:45] Speaker B: I can tell by your face you have it. Come on, you gotta try it out. You gotta see. Oh, it's my pleasure. Let me just share the nice thing. You know what, Ivy? If you're going to be in Chicago for a long time or something, I got to tell you, so many people, they come to this and they're like, oh, big city, it's like New York, it's like LA. I can just be a cold con person. But here's the thing. We still got midwestern values here. And when a man opens his home, or in this case his office, to you and wants to share part of his life with you, well, that says two things. That says that. One, I think you're a good enough friend to show off the nice things in life. But here's the other thing. It means that I want you to appreciate it, and I want you to see that I'm coming up in the world. So how about we try that again, and this time you don't insult me as a nice midwestern man possessed a good down home values, and we'll see how it goes. Does that sound fair? He's smiling. [00:26:43] Speaker C: Sure, Bob. [00:26:46] Speaker B: Oh, I knew you'd love it. Come on in. Come on in. Come on in. And he holds the door open like the mayor d at an incredibly fancy restaurant. He gestures you towards the door. This hideous mockery of high culture. You can imagine the face your mother would make if the host at our restaurant acted this way. Malady. And he gestures towards the chair. [00:27:12] Speaker C: Weirdly, it's probably not unlike my own face that I'm currently making, or trying to hide, rather. But as he gestures towards the chair, I very slowly make my way behind the desk, swiveling the chair around. Oh, yeah, the chair looks great. [00:27:39] Speaker B: Oh, no, you got to feel the way that it holds you up off the ground. It's like having your body on a pillow. I mean, kind of stiffer than a pillow. But imagine if God himself had taken his hands and was holding them under your butt cheeks. That is the level of comfort we're talking about. Mean you have to sit. [00:28:01] Speaker C: I really just want Bob to stop talking about hands cupping my butt cheeks. So I'm going to give a wet dog smell, smile, and slowly take a seat in the chair. [00:28:18] Speaker B: Well, I'll tell you this much. You might have some very strong feelings about Bob. And butt cheeks and hands. But he's not wrong. This chair is fucking incredible. It doesn't have the cachet of a nice broken in lounge chair, the kind you would read a book in. But I mean that lumbar support, though. [00:28:39] Speaker C: I'm pleasantly surprised sitting in this chair because, yeah, obviously, yeah, this is great. And I start rubbing the armrests and kind of like readjusting, shifting a little bit in the seat. Kind of like cozying down. [00:28:56] Speaker B: Yeah, that's good. Now. Now you can lean back in it and then just kick your feet up on the desk and then yell out the window, Frankie, swear to God, if you scratch that forklift again, I'm going to throw you in the fucking river. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. [00:29:10] Speaker C: I laugh a little bit and roll my eyes, but I do. I pull the chair back a little bit, swing my feet up, crossing my legs as I do, and I recall, Frankie, don't you dare scratch that damn forklift again or I'll. What did you say? Throw you in the river? [00:29:34] Speaker B: Bob is just gleaming at you. He doesn't say anything because the moment is self evident according to his walnut sized brain. So he's just gesturing. Right, right. [00:29:47] Speaker C: You know, Bob and I cross my arms, leaning a little further back in the chair. When you're right, you're right. [00:29:59] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm a simple man, but I know my simple pleasures. But anyway, thanks for indulging me. You can go find your friend. She's where you left her. [00:30:09] Speaker C: As always, thank you again for this experience. Taking my feet off the desk and standing, pushing the chair underneath the desk. [00:30:19] Speaker B: As I stand, Bob fires off a friendly salute and is happy to take your place in this chair of gods, this throne of kings. And I'll say this much, that for all the performance it required and the fact that your body doesn't so much care about ergonomics anymore, there is something genuinely pleasant and human about the interaction. If you were missing any willpower, you could probably heal a superficial willpower damage back. [00:30:49] Speaker C: It's a little weird. I don't exactly trust Bob because I don't trust anybody. But it is kind of nice to be able to have a conversation about a chair, sit in somebody else's chair, not have to worry about what the get is not worry that sitting in this chair is going to rack up another minor boon with somebody. And like Bob has been good to Schmendrick, he's been pretty good to me. And I don't know that human interaction. [00:31:21] Speaker B: Well, don't wallow in it. Too long or else Schmendrick might see and you wouldn't want her to get any ideas. If she thinks you enjoy this kind of stuff, she's going to be asking you to go out and adopt puppies and volunteer at soup kitchens. And God knows, as far as I'm. [00:31:37] Speaker C: Concerned, I can only deal with one animal at a time. And our current one is named Alex. [00:31:42] Speaker B: Well, I suppose it is an option to just continue to linger with Bob the rest of the night. I'm guessing that's not what you do as you approach the shipping container, Schmendric, you have some kind of security system, right? There is no way you don't see Ivy coming at this point, right? [00:32:01] Speaker D: I have so much security on this place. I watched her do that little thing with Bob in the chair. [00:32:08] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Did you record it? [00:32:10] Speaker D: I mean, it always gets backed up, right? So it's recorded already. [00:32:15] Speaker B: Schmendric, you know that if she finds out you recorded it, she's going to lose her shit, right? [00:32:21] Speaker D: Yes, but I've also already got it loaded up on my phone and I plan on shoving it in her face when she comes into my shipping container. [00:32:30] Speaker B: Okay. I tried to warn you. So what happens now? I'm not going to be held accountable for Ivy. You approach the shipping container, I'm sure Spendrick has Alex open the door for you, swinging the big heavy thing open. That seems like it's in his wheelhouse of responsibilities he could handle. And you are four inches inside this steel oversized coffin and Schmendrick is thrusting a phone into your face, playing you a 480 p video of your indulgence. [00:33:07] Speaker D: Ivy, you want to see something adorable? [00:33:10] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Oh my God. How wonderful. Can I see? And I just reach out without waiting for a response and take the phone and then turn and throw it away from the shipping container into the yard. [00:33:25] Speaker D: I watch my phone bounce a couple of times across the cobblestone. I don't seem to be particularly perturbed, more amused. I'm not worried about the structure of this phone. It's got a good case on it. But I just turned to Ivy and grin from ear to ear. Hi. How are you tonight? [00:33:48] Speaker C: So great, thanks. How's the baby? [00:33:53] Speaker D: He's good. We were just talking about how we might need to break into his apartment and steal clothing from under his roommate's nose, and I'll gesture for you to come inside. [00:34:04] Speaker C: Oh, my God, that sounds so fun for you. And I tilt my head a little bit and give a sort of a grin. [00:34:12] Speaker B: Alex, you're in the room and they're discussing you as if you were a child. [00:34:16] Speaker A: I've been noticing this, and I'm not going to lie. For the first day, it was actually kind of cute. It was kind of sweet. Now it's starting to feel a little. Well, masculating isn't the right word. Infantilizing. I have to say something, but at this point in time, they're both very in control of the conversation. So all I can think to say as I raise my hand is, I'm a man. I'm an adult man. I have a beard. I am an adult also. Hi, Ivy. The thing with the chair was adorable, and I thought that was really cool. That was really sweet. [00:34:51] Speaker C: I just stare up at the ceiling and shake my head back and forth before bringing my gaze down to meet Alex over top Schmendrick's head, as far as I'm concerned, Alex, you were born yesterday. Literally born yesterday. So you're a man, but you're a baby vampire. [00:35:09] Speaker A: Okay, just putting that out there. And I will probably continue to put that out there, but also, I can't help but feel like we need to focus more on the getting my stuff back from my apartment before my roommate, who thinks I am dead, legally sees me, because I think that's going to break one of the rules. [00:35:30] Speaker C: Hold on. Is there a reason you need to get your stuff from your place? Like, why can't you just get new stuff? [00:35:41] Speaker A: Well, for starters, I have things and I have bought them. They are mine. I don't have to wear this delightful pony hoodie number two. I can't just go down the store to store land with all the money. I don't have living paycheck to paycheck and buy these things. And if I do have money, it's probably in the pair of pants that's not on my cadaver ass right now. It's probably somewhere in my room, in my apartment. [00:36:12] Speaker C: Oh, are we allowed to use the c word now? [00:36:15] Speaker A: Are we not supposed to say that? [00:36:17] Speaker B: Oh, no, it's okay. You can say it. My best friends are dead. [00:36:20] Speaker D: Before I answer that, Ivy, I have to run out and get my phone and watch something on it a couple dozen more times. [00:36:26] Speaker C: If you go get your phone and play that video on repeat or ever again in my presence, you will get to deal with the baby and many other things by yourself. [00:36:38] Speaker D: Okay, if this is going to be a friendship ending situation, I will refrain. But I still need to get my phone. [00:36:48] Speaker C: Fine. Go get your phone. [00:36:51] Speaker D: I'll kind of skip out into the cobblestone. I'm thinking about what was said earlier about just buying Alex new things. That's certainly an option, but it would be up to him, I think, to go out and buy the things. And he's recently deceased. Probably has a search out for him because they didn't find a body. Right. For me personally, it's easier to sneak into his apartment and take his stuff, but that's something we can discuss, and I'll skip back to the others and go. We should probably look into what the police think of Alex right now before we go too crazy. [00:37:33] Speaker C: But, see, this is my point, right? Because if he's got a place with a roommate, if the cops are looking for him, or they just believe that he's dead, you don't think it's going to be real fucking weird if the stuff in his room starts going missing? [00:37:53] Speaker D: Well, it'd be super weird. [00:37:55] Speaker C: And you don't think that they're gonna look into that? Like, sure, take one or two things. Take your high school sweethearts locket, or whatever it is that you. Hold on. That is so important. [00:38:06] Speaker B: Now, Alex, I have to know. Do you have a high school sweetheart's locket? [00:38:12] Speaker A: There's a charm from this girl that I dated named Becky. We broke up years ago, but it just kind of reminded me of, like, she was the best I could pull, and she was amazing. And then it never got better from there. [00:38:25] Speaker B: Okay, I'm going to give you some secret storyteller advice that I don't normally give to anybody. Never let Ivy know that. [00:38:33] Speaker A: Oh, no. [00:38:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. [00:38:35] Speaker A: Thank you, storyteller. You know that's going, right? I'm not letting her know that, ever. [00:38:38] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. That's good. [00:38:40] Speaker C: I'm just saying, like, we can't just go and clear out his closet. We cannot just go and clear out his drawers. We can buy new stuff. This is the age of the Internet. We could have boxes of clothing dropped off here. Tomorrow wouldn't be a problem. Fair. [00:39:00] Speaker D: As we're having this conversation, can I thumb through my phone and just see if there's any general apbs out for a man named Alex Scott? [00:39:09] Speaker B: Of course. Throw the name in Google, see what comes up. Anything from the police department press release or maybe something on the local Chicago television website? This is a good news bad news situation. The good news is that whatever transpired at the dock, and to be clear, the police aren't telling and the news media don't know. It does not appear as if Alex is being spoken of as responsible for that. The bad news is he is missing. He is presumed to be a witness. And there is a photo of him that says if you see this man, contact the police for a reward. It's not a big reward. We're talking five hundred dollars to one thousand dollars. But maybe not the level of anonymity you were looking for. [00:40:00] Speaker D: I'll show this to the others and go. We may want to do something about your beard. [00:40:07] Speaker A: Please don't make me shave it. I look like a child. [00:40:11] Speaker C: Well, for better, for worse. It'll grow back tomorrow night and the following night and the night after that and the night after that and so on and so forth in perpetuity. [00:40:23] Speaker A: Does this mean I'm going to have to completely shave off my whole beard every day until the search is done? [00:40:30] Speaker C: Yes, but imagine how much fun you could have by giving yourself a new hairstyle every day. You could be clean shaven today and have mutton chops tomorrow. It's a fun, creative exercise in hairdressing. [00:40:46] Speaker A: You know, you are kind of reading. [00:40:47] Speaker B: My mind a bit. [00:40:48] Speaker A: I was thinking about trying out mutton chops or a full handlebar mustache like, you know what I mean? Old wrestlers in the. I've got facial hair, man. [00:41:01] Speaker C: I just give Schmendrick a little side eye and then back to Alex and start nodding my head. Yep, just like that. [00:41:10] Speaker B: Do you have any idea what he's talking about? [00:41:12] Speaker C: I have no fucking idea. Was he doing an impression there at the end? [00:41:16] Speaker B: Was that, like, supposed to be let. I'm gonna let the listeners fill you in. [00:41:22] Speaker C: Oh, okay, great. [00:41:24] Speaker D: I, for 01:00 a.m. Pleased that he is taking this so positively. Because a lot of people, when they are told they are faced with immortality and they can never change anything about themselves, typically don't respond this way. [00:41:41] Speaker B: Well, based on this conversation, it sounds to me like you have two problems you want to solve tonight. No matter what else you had planned in terms of baby vampire education, you need to get Alex to change his appearance and you need to get him a new wardrobe. At the very bare minimum, there are some basic steps to hiding him from the police that you're going to need to undertake. In a perfect world, you could just lock him in the shipping container and keep him there until it all blows over. But baby's got to eat, and eventually baby's going to have to meet the prince anyway. He's going to have to leave the house eventually. I might be going off on a limb here, and please do correct me if I'm assuming, but this sounds like the kind of thing that in the last 90 to 120 seconds, ivy might have formulated a plan about. [00:42:36] Speaker C: Oh, yes. I pull out a little notebook, start jotting some things down, making a list, and as I write everything in this notebook, I'm saying them out loud. Okay, we have to change his hair. We have to. Maybe if we can find a place that is open right now, we could change his eyes a little bit. It just needs, like, color contacts would be great. And then we have to get a new change of clothes. And it needs to be very different from what he's wearing right now for so many reasons. But I think we could probably go into the city and find a 24 hours thrift store, or I'm sure one of the big box stores is still open right now. It's not that late. [00:43:20] Speaker D: Yeah, either of those could do. I think some pharmacies carry colored contacts for funsies. [00:43:26] Speaker A: Yeah, we can just go to, like, a theater store. [00:43:31] Speaker C: How do you know that? [00:43:32] Speaker D: No, this is great. I love it. Because we can get his clothes there, too. [00:43:37] Speaker C: Look it. I am not going to dress him up like Shakespeare. [00:43:40] Speaker D: I think it's such a great idea. [00:43:42] Speaker B: Why not go the whole mile and put him in a Dracula costume? [00:43:45] Speaker C: Because I'm sure Bella Lugosi out in LA has a corner on that market already, and we're kind of infringing upon some ip at that point, allegedly Bella. [00:43:53] Speaker B: Lugosi, but we don't want to get into that. [00:43:55] Speaker A: Well, but, yeah, if you want to go to theater store, they have contact lenses, makeup, wigs, hair dye. We can probably just do one stop shopping. [00:44:06] Speaker B: I'm starting to learn how he and Becky met. [00:44:09] Speaker A: It was definitely in theater. I did it to impress her, and then I got the bug, but I wasn't very good. [00:44:15] Speaker D: Tail as old as time. [00:44:17] Speaker B: Okay, so maybe some one stop shopping, maybe some two stop shopping, but you have a bit of a vibe going. I like this plan. Leads us to the quintessential travel question. Who's driving? [00:44:32] Speaker C: Since getting my car, you think that I would be okay with just sitting shotgun in Schmendric's beetle? [00:44:39] Speaker D: Hey, if you want to drive, I'm absolutely fine with that. [00:44:44] Speaker A: Oh, yeah? Can I ride shotgun? That beamer's so nice. [00:44:48] Speaker C: Oh, Alex, I think that Illinois law states that kids have to be six before they can ride. [00:44:57] Speaker A: Ha. Evie, you are so funny again. I am a whole man. I have a beard. I am an adult. [00:45:06] Speaker C: Okay, sweetie. Okay. [00:45:08] Speaker D: I don't want to pull rank here, Alex, but I do have seniority over you, so I am indeed sitting shotgun you can take the, uh. [00:45:18] Speaker A: All right, fine. But I choose the channels for the radio. [00:45:22] Speaker C: Do you remember how the touch screen works? [00:45:24] Speaker A: Yep, it works as such. I ask ivy. Very. [00:45:32] Speaker C: Also the. And I kind of like gesture. [00:45:36] Speaker A: I return the gesture knowingly, going, yeah, the blood in the vita. Yeah. [00:45:43] Speaker D: Oh, hey, you taught him that. That's really cool. [00:45:47] Speaker C: Welsh bundrick. It turns out it is really easy to train a puppy. [00:45:53] Speaker A: Again. I've hit puberty. Okay. I am a six foot one man. At least that's what my Schminder profile says. [00:46:02] Speaker B: And as everyone knows, if it's on your Schmender profile, it's absolutely true. It's a mutable fact about the universe. [00:46:10] Speaker C: I pause briefly and look him up and down, and then back up and realize that I am directly meeting his gaze. 6ft Alex. [00:46:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:46:28] Speaker C: You sure about that? [00:46:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm sure. [00:46:33] Speaker C: Okay, that's super funny because I'm 510, and I raise my hand up to the top of my head, go between the top of my head, the top of his head, without raising my hand at all. [00:46:51] Speaker A: Okay, I see what you're doing. I just have very low set eyes, so it looks like that you're taller than me and really you're just messing with my worldview. I am definitely an inch, but it's all forehead. [00:47:04] Speaker C: I place my hand on top of the poof of hair and I flatten it down. You don't count hair height in overall height, Alex. [00:47:15] Speaker A: Okay, fine. I'm like six, maybe six one with boots on. Okay, you got me. I'm five foot eleven. [00:47:24] Speaker C: Sure, if you're trying hard, maybe. [00:47:28] Speaker D: All right, well, can we get low set eyes in the car and we can start this journey? Sure. [00:47:36] Speaker C: Come on, Alex, let's go for a ride in the car. [00:47:39] Speaker A: Are we going to have the window roll down so I can bite the air? Okay, I'll get in the seat. [00:47:44] Speaker C: Yeah, that's a good idea. [00:47:46] Speaker B: And off into the evening we go. You put out a few different ideas about places that you could start this adventure. Is there one in particular that you want to make your first stop? [00:47:58] Speaker A: I feel with a theater shop, we can already start doing things like hair dyeing, contact lenses, things like that. So that for clothes, we can just, after applying those, go right to one of the big box stores, and then I can shop with the makeup on. [00:48:15] Speaker B: It's a good point. You want to change as much as you can as soon as possible. And fugitive Alex searching for clothes while looking a lot like Alex. Yeah, I take your point. So then into the night, you're not going to find many costume shops on this part of town. It's a little too blue collar for that kind of extravagance. Which means you're heading more towards Ivy's neck of the woods, not all the way to downtown, but in one of the many gentrifying hipster districts in that area. Once upon a time, this used to be a major italian neighborhood, and there are still some old italian families here, but they are being replaced year after year by young professionals and hipster artists with rich parents. Which means in addition to the costume shop, which you can find with Google Maps or apparently Alex's amazing memory, you will see a number of organic coffee shops, bespoke clothing stores that only import garments made by people in other countries paid an appropriate living wage, fair trade garb. There are art communes, working spaces where you can really get those creative juices going. I don't know for sure, but I think this place might hold the record for longest consecutive drum circle. Just so you get a sense of the neighborhood that you're rolling into. Approaching this schmendric, I know you're capable of disguising yourself in a great number of ways. Is there one that you choose to use tonight? [00:49:53] Speaker D: Maybe it's the situation, but I'm feeling kind of nostalgic, I guess. And I am going to use impostor's guise to assume the appearance of this young lady with dark hair and green eyes. [00:50:09] Speaker B: Is this someone from your past or a face you just like? [00:50:15] Speaker D: Yes, to both of those questions. [00:50:19] Speaker B: Do you warn Alex? Because if he's keeping his eyes in that Rearview mirror, this might come as a shock. [00:50:28] Speaker D: I don't really, but also, once we've headed into the more populated, bustling downtown area, I've kept my head down with my hood over my eyes for much of the ride. I don't want anyone looking into the car and seeing my regular visage. So when we're about to pull up into the parking lot, I just kind of pull it back and reveal someone else. Whether or not anyone notices or is surprised I'm leaving the car looking like this. [00:50:57] Speaker B: Well, anybody else do you notice? Are you surprised? [00:51:01] Speaker C: Nothing surprises me with Schmendrick anymore. [00:51:05] Speaker A: I'm definitely surprised. Before they leave the car, I make a verbal mention. Whoa, Batgirl, you look very different. [00:51:16] Speaker D: Yeah, something I can do. It doesn't tip people off as much. But speaking of looking really different, something we need to focus on with you. So come on. [00:51:29] Speaker A: Yeah, right. Okay. I hop out of the car, taking in this face that looks like the face I'm familiar with, but more normal. [00:51:41] Speaker B: Well, there are two things that I need. First of all, Schmendrick, will you make that rouse? Check for me. As you call upon the powers of the blood, that is a success. A risk that you take using blood when your stocks are this low. But maybe fortune is with you. Maybe your beast happens to be more patient than others. But in any case, tonight you are free of its obligations. And then my second question to Alex. If you let ivy take any amount of control over this situation, she's going to be in charge of the entire makeover. So you've got a good five or ten second window right now to set your own tone for how you're going to look. Where are you headed? [00:52:25] Speaker A: So I immediately head over to the hair dye because I have a feeling that if I don't dictate at least my hair color, I will get something either outlandish or I will lose all control over how I'm going to be looking for the next day or ten. I try to find something that looks normal, a sort of dirty blonde, dishwater blonde look, so that it will change my appearance but won't be too garish. [00:52:56] Speaker B: You didn't want to leave here with frosted tips. [00:52:59] Speaker A: I don't know exactly what style Ivy will put me in. I feel like she would either dye my hair bright blue or give me a ginger red. [00:53:11] Speaker C: Following behind Alex in the shop, I see him standing over with all the hair dye, and I turn to look at Schmendrick. You can't take this kid anywhere. [00:53:21] Speaker D: Are you sure you don't want to spend a small fortune on weeks worth of hair dye? [00:53:26] Speaker C: You mean bleach and then hair dye? We would just wake up every night and just spend the entirety of it bleaching his hair. [00:53:34] Speaker D: It'd be a catastrophe. Yep. [00:53:36] Speaker C: I roll my eyes and shake my head and walk over to where Alex is debating about dishwater blonde or frosty blonde. And I lean in and I say, neither of these are gonna work. [00:53:50] Speaker A: I look at them and I look at Ivy and I feel that there's something not clicking as I continue. What are you talking about? If I put this in my hair, I will be very unrecognizable and I'll blend in. If anything, I'm very smart for this decision. [00:54:08] Speaker C: Well, first off, your hair is black. [00:54:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:54:12] Speaker C: So to go from black to blonde, we'd have to spend five, 6 hours bleaching your hair. And if you were a normal person, this would be a process that you would do over three to four weeks so as to not fry your hair. Second, all of the work we would have to do to get that hair color to stick would be undone tomorrow night. [00:54:42] Speaker A: Damn it. I see what you're saying. [00:54:44] Speaker C: Yeah. So here's what we're going to do. And I take the boxes from Alex's hand. We're going to put all of this back and we're going to go over to the wig section. Unless, and I reach out to the cans of, like, temporary spray in dye. It's glittery and pink. You think this color could look good on you. [00:55:09] Speaker A: We should go to the wig section. I think I saw a really good blonde wig for men there. We could do that. [00:55:15] Speaker C: You're sure? Because I want you to have some input in this. [00:55:21] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm hearing this, Ivy. I'm ingesting this. I'm being in the now, and I would really like to wear the wig and not my magical little spritzy pink. I don't want. [00:55:33] Speaker C: Okay. Okay, great. Yeah, go. I'll meet you over at the wigs. [00:55:38] Speaker D: The unfortunate situation you've found yourself in now. And I kind of clapped my hand on Alex's shoulder. [00:55:46] Speaker C: Schmendric, do you want the pink for tonight? Just for the hell of. [00:55:52] Speaker D: I don't really need it, to be honest. If I wanted pink, I could go for that, but. [00:55:58] Speaker C: True. And I'll place the can back on the shelf. [00:56:02] Speaker A: Well, I don't want to look like an Aryan in Chicago, so if you can find green contact lenses, that would probably be for the best. Or a brighter shade of green or something. [00:56:14] Speaker C: So Schmendrick's eye color? [00:56:16] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, I guess so. I didn't see. Yeah, yeah, I kind of like that one. [00:56:21] Speaker B: Well, there it is. So you're going to accomplish your shopping, but I don't know a ton about costuming, but I know there are some quality levels that we can talk about here. So, Ivy, we've established this is coming out of your wallet. Is this going to be $100 trip and you'll just see what slides? Or is this going to be like a $500 trip and you're going to get him something that doesn't look like a high school theater department? [00:56:48] Speaker C: You know how I feel about half assing things. [00:56:52] Speaker B: You also know how you feel about money. [00:56:55] Speaker C: Yeah, see, this is the problem because as much as I'd like to say, oh, no, here's $20. Good luck. I also don't want to find myself in a position to be judged by this, so it's better to just put the money down. [00:57:13] Speaker B: If nothing else, it's a prudent investment in your own security, given how someone rising from the dead would attract attention that you might not otherwise want around yourself. So you approach the counter, and when. [00:57:27] Speaker C: Everything is said and done, maybe Grigor gets a new bit of hair. [00:57:32] Speaker B: Oh, no. Grigor's unsettling enough with his normal appearance. If you put that wig on him, I think you're crossing the line from Tremir Chantry to Adam's family mansion. Unless that's your point. [00:57:46] Speaker D: Yeah, if that's the vibe you want to go for, I think it's perfect. [00:57:50] Speaker C: I mean, that's the vibe you always say it gives off anyway, Schmendrick. [00:57:55] Speaker D: Yeah, but cheesy Halloween wig on top of that? I think it really just adds something. [00:58:02] Speaker A: Look, I'm not going for a cousin hair face kind of character. I just want to get something that makes me look different, not cryptid. [00:58:11] Speaker D: We're not trying to do that to you, promise? [00:58:14] Speaker B: No, I think that while Ivy might find it amusing, her instinct for self preservation will, for now, overpower her urge to humiliate you. And thus you approach the counter. The young woman behind it looks, I would say, ivy in a younger life, but this is back when her mother would have still had her claws in her. It's much less dignified than that wayfish thin, thousands of dollars of hair dye in her own hair, a very boyish build, looking bored, not so much into customer service. And as you plop the items down on the ground, she, with a disinterested roll of her shoulders, begins to ring it up without making eye contact, asks, do you have a loyalty cardathas? [00:59:02] Speaker A: I reach into my wallet with a heavy sigh. Yeah, I do. I pull forth the card with three punches already in it, and I slide it sheepishly across the table. [00:59:17] Speaker B: All right, and do you want to cash these in now, or are you saving up for the magic Pierre's party pack? [00:59:24] Speaker A: I want to save for the magic Pierre's party pack. [00:59:30] Speaker B: All right. Is that a cash or card, my dude? [00:59:36] Speaker A: That'll be. I stutter and hesitate as the shame begins to weigh upon me like a blanket, and I turn sheepishly over to Ivy with a pleading look in my. Uh. That'll definitely be cash, right? [00:59:55] Speaker C: I'm kind of relishing in this moment because, man, there is something so nice about a big, strong man being just brought down to his knees, having to ask me for money. Oh, it never gets old. [01:00:11] Speaker D: As this exchange is kind of taking place. Can I make sure his name isn't on that loyalty card. Like she doesn't have to run his name through the computer or anything like that in order to verify. [01:00:21] Speaker B: Oh, no, it's a punch card. For every hundred dollars you spend, you get a punch. And as I'm sure Alex will be happy to explain to you, if you ask, when you get to five, you get to have a private event in Pierre's magic room. [01:00:36] Speaker D: You know what? What he wants to do with his time is none of my business, but I'm happy that his name isn't getting thrown out there, especially tonight. [01:00:46] Speaker B: Very prudent of Schmendrick to observe such things. But judging by the woman behind the counter, her face doesn't say, I'm going to remember this moment any longer than I have to. [01:00:59] Speaker D: And that's what I like about her. [01:01:01] Speaker B: So ivy reaches into her wallet. Pocketbook. Purse. [01:01:06] Speaker C: Oh, it's a very, very expensive little leather crossbody bag. This bag actually cost more than all of this that I'm buying for Alex right now, so it's not a problem. But I reach down, pull out my little pocketbook, grab my black card, which, if you pay close attention, definitely does not have my name on it, and just slide that across the counter. [01:01:33] Speaker B: She looks down at the card, up at you, over to Alex. Sugar mama. Nice. And swipes it on the register. Need a receipt, my dude? [01:01:49] Speaker D: I have to turn away because I'm about to bust a gut laughing my face. [01:01:55] Speaker A: If I could turn bright red without spending the vita, it would be just a big old tomato of shame and hilarity at the same time. I turned to Ivy. Do you need a receipt for your write offs or something? [01:02:16] Speaker C: No. I kind of would just like to forget this night ever happened. [01:02:20] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, no, me too. We can get. No, no receipt, please. No receipt. [01:02:27] Speaker B: Whatever you say, boss. Let's see here. So that comes to 597, which means. That is. And she starts punching the card. My dude, Alex. Good news. Someone has enough punches for the magic room. [01:02:46] Speaker A: I am elated. My face is smiling with joy. And then I have to kind of suck that back into me and then breathe that out as I go. That's truly amazing. It might be a while before I can schedule that. [01:03:00] Speaker C: Is that okay? [01:03:03] Speaker B: Yeah, man. Your card, your rules. Let me just get you the rest of these punches on a second one, and a small number of moments later, you can depart the store with wig and contacts and keys to the magic kingdom in hand. [01:03:18] Speaker A: Yeah. And also, thank you so much. She's not a sugar mama. She's just a friend, and she's helping me get my feet back. Like, back on my feet. And then it's just a good. Know. [01:03:33] Speaker B: I don't know what Alex was like in younger life, but even without having that full story in my head, I can say that there has never been a woman who looks at you believing you less than there is right now. The incredulity of, oh, yeah, I'm 6ft. Or the sheepishness of. I mean, like, no, we'll just watch a movie. Right? None of that disbelief compared anywhere close to the. Just the bullshit bounces right off of her hitting a force field. All right, man. Yeah. [01:04:14] Speaker A: I just kind of hang my head in a. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for your evening. Thank you for your time. [01:04:21] Speaker C: As Alex is stuttering through this and trying to navigate this incredibly awkward situation, I just place my hand on his shoulder and start herding him away from the desk towards the door. [01:04:38] Speaker B: You sure it's a good idea to touch him based on what the woman behind the counter thinks, or are you not concerned? [01:04:44] Speaker C: What is the phrase? A lion does not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. [01:04:50] Speaker B: Fair enough. Well, that's one problem solved for the evening. I'm assuming this is a costume change you can make in the car without too much trouble. Already engaging in the beginning of that transition. [01:05:03] Speaker A: The wig will be fine, but I'm going to have some issues with the contact lenses. I have very sensitive eyes and this is not going to be a pretty sight as I struggle bust to get these things in my eye holes. [01:05:19] Speaker B: Well, I've got some good news for you on that front, buddy, because you don't have sensitive eyes anymore. In fact, aside from the inborn human apprehension about jabbing yourself in your own face, you don't have to worry about scratching your corneas or pushing too hard. I mean, I wouldn't do this on a bumpy road for a lot of reasons, but hey, man, you can heal a hole in your chest if you fuck up your eyes, you're still good to go. [01:05:49] Speaker A: I'm finding that my eyelashes and my eyelids aren't so nervous this time around. It's a lot easier to get them in. In fact, I'm laughing. My eyeballs go squish when I poke them. [01:06:07] Speaker B: There's no moisture there. That little goop in the corner of your eye next to your nose? Nothing? [01:06:14] Speaker A: No. It's like poking a dried grape. Not quite a raisin, still a grape, but also numb. I continue to poke my face with this weird revelation. [01:06:26] Speaker B: I hesitate to use this phrase, but as Alex continues to explore his new body. What are you doing? [01:06:33] Speaker D: Part of me is absolutely shocked by this because it seems to be just such a joyous experience for him. And having been the only fledgling vampire experience I had was the nosferatu kind. There was much less wonderment. [01:06:52] Speaker B: I mean, there was a certain kind of cosmic amazement surrounding it. [01:07:01] Speaker D: If you get to watch yourself slowly turn into a monster over a couple weeks, yeah, that's pretty amazing. It's not pleasant. [01:07:10] Speaker B: Yeah, it seems like Alex's embrace is a little more seth rogen, yours a little more Cronenberg. That does probably take some of the joy out of it. [01:07:20] Speaker D: I'm more amazed than anything else that someone can actually enjoy their embrace. But, hey, I guess it's all different. [01:07:30] Speaker B: And it worked out for you in the long run. [01:07:33] Speaker D: Sure, if you can say that with a straight face. [01:07:37] Speaker C: Watching Alex poke himself repeatedly in the eye, laughing to himself and then going back in for another one, I just turned to Schmendrick with an honest smile on my face, a little excited, and I just say, oh, my God, he's like the dumber brother I always wanted. [01:08:03] Speaker D: I'm about to shoot back with something snappy. Then I realize she's serious and I just give her this smile. [01:08:12] Speaker B: Schmendric ivy is showing genuine joy. Will you roll self control for me? [01:08:22] Speaker D: It's been a lot of firsts for, you know, the whole moment she had with Bob and now this. I think we're seeing someone new here. [01:08:32] Speaker B: And that's exactly my point. You right now are wearing a face that doesn't belong to you and this is weird. Ivy Schmendrick's looking at you like you're an alien and, I mean, Alex doesn't even know you that well and he's kind of like, got that little boyish curling up at the corner of his. [01:08:56] Speaker C: No, no. We're going to put a stop to this right now. We have to go find you some clothes because what you're wearing now and whatever you were wearing before, it's not going to cut it. So we're going to go shopping. Oh, my God. I just realized it is like having a child. I have to take him clothes shopping to make sure that he has his slacks for school. This is the worst. [01:09:25] Speaker D: In theory. Just this one time. [01:09:28] Speaker C: God, I hope so. [01:09:30] Speaker B: Well, mommy, you have the wallet, you make the rules. Where are we headed off to? [01:09:35] Speaker C: I don't like it when you call me mommy. [01:09:38] Speaker B: Small doubt. But also answer the question. [01:09:41] Speaker C: If we're trying not to draw a ton of attention to ourselves going to one of the big box, mass produced fast fashion places. Probably our best bet. [01:09:52] Speaker B: I mean, yeah, you don't really have to worry about where your clothing comes from. Sponsoring sweatshops in Thailand is like, what, the fourth worst thing you'll do to humans this week? So it is with a clear conscience then that you can go to the nearest big box store. It's certainly not in this neighborhood. Do you know how many petitions they've signed about that you're going to have to drive away? And what a dramatic change in venue to go from the soft light, the wooden shelving, the floor that's nice and worn, the ambiance of a nice privately owned mom and pop place, to this, a monolith to efficiency of industry where a three minute bathroom break gets you fired and all the various splendor of the american capitalist machine is laid out for you underneath the glaring white fluorescent lights. It's a very different clientele as well. Gone are the two thin hipsters and those who prefer to be seen around them. Now it's the blue collar folks getting off their shift at the diner, swinging in to pick up what they can, something for the morning, maybe trying to make those tough decisions between what to feed the children and how much money that leaves left for a family that doesn't have enough to keep everybody happy. This place would be depressing for a great number of reasons, but as it relates to your small orbit, chief among them now is you have to find something here that Alex is comfortable wearing. I'm guessing it is not going to be the my gun, my truck, my God. Hoodie at the front of the store. [01:11:41] Speaker C: No. I don't know what Alex's style was before he got into this sweater. It was a little hard to tell, but no, definitely not that. [01:11:54] Speaker B: Gonna be a little hard to get away from the Chicago Aryan look if you're wearing republican chic. [01:12:00] Speaker C: Yeah. Alex, let me see your phone. Real? [01:12:06] Speaker A: Uh, yeah, sure. Very hesitant, but I give it to her. [01:12:11] Speaker C: Does your phone have a lock? [01:12:13] Speaker A: No, I don't worry about that. [01:12:17] Speaker C: Sure. I just kind of give Schmendrick a look, raise my eyebrows a little bit and then open the phone. And Alex sees me scroll to where all of his photos are kept. [01:12:28] Speaker A: A bit of panic starts to creep up in me as I start to kind of, like, open my tippy toes a bit. Hands fidgeting. Okay, so some of those are just private photos. Some of them were gifts that I haven't deleted because I like them a lot. Just ignore the middle part. Ignore the middle of my pictures. [01:12:51] Speaker D: Alex, we're not interested. [01:12:54] Speaker A: I know, but it's their privacy that matters to me. I don't want to expose them. [01:13:00] Speaker B: So, Alex, not counting the various college women who have clearly made a negregious error of judgment in sending you those photos when it comes to your own role, what's the ratio shirtless to not shirtless? We're thinking here. [01:13:16] Speaker A: Probably a good deal of shirtless picks because I was feeling good about myself after the gym. Have that post pump and feeling good, but if you look hard enough, you'll probably see a handful of me rocking the flannel look. Or, as I lied to myself, the lumber snack look. [01:13:35] Speaker B: Is that a real thing or did you just make that up? [01:13:36] Speaker A: No, that's a real thing. I wish I meant that. A lumber snack. [01:13:40] Speaker B: Well, Ivy, there you go. If you want Alex to look different than he did in a past life, put a shirt on him and don't let him look like a lumber snack. [01:13:51] Speaker C: I'm scrolling through these photos. I'm making notes, of course, as I go about what we're going to absolutely, 100% stay away from. But I pause on one photo. [01:14:06] Speaker B: What's going on? [01:14:10] Speaker C: It looks really familiar, and not in that way that all guys like this look familiar in photos like this. He's on a dock. He's wearing a backwards hat. He's holding a fish. It's not the biggest fish I've seen, but it's a fish nonetheless. He's shirtless, of course, but I know I've seen this picture before. I know it. [01:14:41] Speaker B: You got to get your phone out. You have to know. You can't not know. [01:14:46] Speaker C: I don't even have to get my phone out because I figured it out. So I turned the phone, holding it up just in front of Alex's face. Six one on Schminder. [01:15:00] Speaker D: I feel as though I've learned a lot about Ivy this day. Like, more than I comfortably would know. [01:15:08] Speaker B: Is that where your brain immediately goes? You put all the pieces together and you've solved the mystery, Mr. Watson. [01:15:16] Speaker D: Well, now I'm like, she has a Schminder profile, first of all. And second of all, is she flirting? Is this flirting happening? [01:15:25] Speaker B: I don't know a lot about Ivy, but if you just gave me a basic rundown of her personality and then said she was spending a night making extravagant gifts, asserting financial dominance. And now scrolling. You know what, Shmendrick? I'm coming around to your side. [01:15:43] Speaker D: All of a sudden, I'm not comfortable anymore. [01:15:48] Speaker B: And you know what the worst thing is? If she found this picture on Schminder. You scroll through, what, like, hundreds of pictures at a time when you're a woman trying to get through your inbox, clear out all the likes and super likes and mega likes and supremo platinum likes. But she remembers this one, which makes me think. [01:16:07] Speaker D: Yeah, no, you can stop right there. I don't want to think about Ivy swiping any which way on anyone for any kind of dating app. Let's just go back to the clothes shopping. [01:16:19] Speaker B: Yeah, well, Ivy, Alex, there are two of us who are really interested in how the remainder of this interaction plays out. [01:16:26] Speaker C: So six one on Schminnder. [01:16:28] Speaker A: Yeah, six one. Well, why? [01:16:34] Speaker C: Okay, does this jog your memory bubble? Bubble, toil and trouble. Damn, girl, you make my heart burn and my pants bubble. [01:16:50] Speaker D: Oh, okay, this is too much for me. [01:16:55] Speaker A: Now a painful realization causes a shock to shoot through my body. As my eyes go wide, my jaw drops to the floor. I can't help but scream out loud. [01:17:05] Speaker C: Oh, shit. [01:17:07] Speaker A: Oh, shit, that was you? [01:17:10] Speaker C: Yeah, that was me. I sent that to you first, unfortunately. Second? Yeah. You don't remember? [01:17:23] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Okay, in order. One, I am so, so sorry. I thought I was being witty, hearing it out loud. Oh, that's really freaking gross. Number two, look, you got to churn and burn on these apps, okay? When you get rejected, you just have to forget and move on. And three, also, thank you for starting the conversation, but giving me just hey doesn't give me much to play with. [01:17:50] Speaker C: Honestly, if these are your moves, I understand why you have to just throw your line out so very much. [01:17:59] Speaker D: As this is continuing on, I have had enough. This is more than I wanted to know about Ivy, and this is more than I ever intended to know about Alex. So I'm going to take both of my hands, push them on the middle of his back, and start leading him towards the men's section. Please, can we get the shopping over with? [01:18:20] Speaker C: I call out as they're walking away. Little kids section is on the other. [01:18:25] Speaker D: Side of the store. [01:18:27] Speaker A: Jokes on you. You thought I was cute? Ha. [01:18:31] Speaker B: Oh, that's a trump card, isn't it? I. Because not only did you swipe match, but you initiated. No, that's fine. We'll let the silence speak for itself. Schmendric, when it comes to your fashion sense, you weren't privy to the lumber snack pictures, and now you find yourself in the position of guiding Mr. Scott here towards his new fashion choices. You wouldn't leave him to his own devices or so when he starts kind. [01:19:08] Speaker D: Of gravitating to certain racks to pick out what he would like. I kind of redirect him and say, you can't wear the same things you used to anymore because we're trying to not have you be seen. So let's try something you wouldn't wear. [01:19:27] Speaker B: As often or at all, unless it goes to you. There's a rack full of middle class americana here. You're going for invisible white man, average, disappear into a crowd. What do you pick? [01:19:45] Speaker A: I guess if I have to blend in. Honestly, I always thought flannels maybe weren't too snazzy on me, but I had to get more low key. I guess I could try these button up tees or maybe these graphic t shirts or, oh, lord, is that a sweater? Is that a sweater vest? Oh, I don't want to wear that, but that's definitely not me. [01:20:13] Speaker B: I suppose the question comes down, are you going for serious dad or cool dad? [01:20:19] Speaker A: You know, I always thought that if I was going to have kids, I'd be like a cool dad. But upon my conversations with Ivy, I think I'd just be the dorky dad. [01:20:30] Speaker D: I want him to have some sort of self esteem in his new life, so I am going to guide his hand a little bit from the dorky and hopefully help him pick out something that's not too tragic. I don't want to raise a clown. I want to raise a vampire. [01:20:48] Speaker B: A nice middle ground. I'm an accountant, but I still own an Xbox. [01:20:52] Speaker D: That sounds like it could work. [01:20:55] Speaker A: So my arm is heavy with the many layers of fabric from all the different outfits tucked into my arm. I walk into the eight items changing room. I start to hang them on the hooks of said room. And then the realization hits me as I turn and see the mirror. That mirror. Up to this point, I've only had small interactions with ivy and Schmendrick, and now that I see it, it has become too big to ignore. My giant smile, full of dog like joy, fades as I see the skin, pallid color, puffiness of the eyes starts to hit me that I am not what I once was. I am similar in all respects, but there's something cold now to the color of my flesh. And then with this dark coldness that settles into my stomach like an ice cube. I lose all energy as I reach for the clothes and slowly put them on. And maybe that's the whole point. I'm not supposed to be myself anymore. Not only am I something new, but I have to be someone different every day. And then, as I put on a burgundy, red long sleeve sweater with a little bit of a v, some nice khakis. I just smiled to myself. Not the same as it was when I first looked into the mirror. It's a secret identity, man. You're not supposed to be Alex Scott. Now you're the apex. But there's just not enough joy behind it. [01:22:48] Speaker B: Okay, come on. [01:22:49] Speaker A: Slap my face. Secret identity. Let's be someone else. [01:22:55] Speaker B: No, Alex, you're right. That sadness that you feel now has been experienced by hundreds and thousands and tens of thousands of, we'll say, people just like you. But the secret identity thing, that superhero bit, hang on to that, because it feels bad now. Yeah, it's awful. But eventually, there comes a time in every kindred's life where you meet someone or you hear about someone who didn't draw those lines, who thought they could play the best of both worlds. And you will realize that the choice you made now, to cut off those ties, to forget the people that you loved, means they get to keep on living. And if you have to make the choice between cutting someone loose or peeling them off of a carpet because someone decided they had a grudge against you, that will make it all become crystal clear. We say all the time that the embrace doesn't change who you are. And that, for the most part, is true. It's not just your body that is locked in its current form. Kindred, don't mature. You're not going to develop a new personality. Whatever worldview you have, that's forever. And for some people, like Ivy, that just means taking something that was cold and businesslike and amplifying it. But you've seen Schmendrick. She has a joy in her. Sure, it's 2022, but not every superhero movie has to be a Kurdi Christopher Nolan remake, right? You can still have fun. [01:24:40] Speaker A: I can still have fun. Starting to straighten up my back a little bit. I'll look in the mirror. Hello, governor. My name is Alex J. Bondovich. Nope, we're not sticking with that. Let's workshop it, big guy. We got something there. Remember, this is for Bobby and Richard B. And Ricky J. And Mikey Mike. This is for them. Knock them dead, Billy two eyes. God damn it. I'm terrible at this. [01:25:14] Speaker B: On the bright side, you've got literally hundreds of years to perfect it. [01:25:20] Speaker A: All right, let's go. Step out in front of mom one and mom two and see if I pass the mustard. Cut the mustard. They'll correct me. [01:25:29] Speaker B: And so, Ivy and Schmenzuk, your conversation wraps up around the same time. That a wonderfully costumed gentleman steps out from the changing room. Ivy, as we have established, you're the person most familiar with what Alex looks like under normal circumstances. How would you rate the transformation? [01:25:53] Speaker C: Well, first he's going to have to stop flexing so I can concentrate on the look. [01:25:59] Speaker A: It's a very tight sweater. I feel like a swedish professor, but like a professor of gymnasium things. [01:26:10] Speaker C: I think we can get it in a bigger size. [01:26:13] Speaker D: That was the size he insisted he was. [01:26:16] Speaker A: Yeah, it complements my chest and my shoulders. I worked very hard on them. [01:26:22] Speaker C: Yes, I understand that you are very proud of all of that. But the whole point is that we need to make sure that you don't look like you. And this is a very big part of you. So I'm just going to go grab a bigger sweater. But the look is fine. Just a bigger sweater. [01:26:53] Speaker A: Okay, so we're going with swedish professor, but instead of, like, biology, maybe more like mathematics. [01:27:00] Speaker C: Precisely, yeah. [01:27:03] Speaker A: Okay, cool. I'm going to go back in the changing room. Just huck that sweater over when you get it, and I'll change it and we'll be good. [01:27:10] Speaker C: Great. And I'm going to quickly turn on my heels and wander off to go find a larger sweater. [01:27:17] Speaker A: Okay, so now that she's out of your shot, mommy number two, what do you think of the fit? [01:27:22] Speaker D: It looks fine. I have to agree, it is a little tight on you. And maybe that's not fuck it. If that's what you want to go into this life portraying at this point, I would say go for it. But maybe a low profile for the moment. [01:27:40] Speaker A: Maybe when all is cooled over, maybe I can start buying. Maybe the tight henleys. I don't need to look like an absolute douchebag, but I wouldn't mind looking kind of nice. [01:27:54] Speaker D: I'm glad you clarified that, because I was going to say, yeah, you could keep getting tighter and tighter sweaters until your head explodes. [01:28:01] Speaker A: Wait, do we die that way? [01:28:04] Speaker D: Yes, our heads explode, but not under those circumstances. I'm not going to talk to you about this here. [01:28:14] Speaker A: Okay? [01:28:14] Speaker D: Just focus on the new look. [01:28:17] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm going to go back in there. Yeah. [01:28:20] Speaker C: It hasn't taken me long to find where the sweaters are. And I come back to see Alex and Schmendrick still outside talking. And a very confused look on Alex's face. But it's probably better if I don't ask. And I just hold my hand out and just say, here you go. [01:28:36] Speaker B: All right, thanks. [01:28:37] Speaker A: I will be right back. And I think I have some other colors of this sweater, so we have some variety. I'll be back in five minutes. [01:28:46] Speaker D: As you're heading back in, still with an earshot, I turn to Ivy and I say, apparently, you're mommy number one. What a place of honor. [01:28:56] Speaker C: I'm sure it's just a rank order thing, which I understand. I am number one. [01:29:02] Speaker B: Is this like one of those situations where when two women go to the restaurant, whoever the waiter hands the check to, that is who they have established as the top in the relationship? [01:29:11] Speaker C: Yes. Same energy. [01:29:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:29:15] Speaker D: Although it's going to be weird dating him if he still calls you mommy Schmendric. [01:29:20] Speaker B: Are you making a little joke, Areno? Are you teasing Miss Leroux? [01:29:26] Speaker D: Based on the tragedy I had to hear earlier, this is my only recourse. This is the only way I can deal with it mentally. [01:29:33] Speaker B: Oh, no, you're right. You've earned it. You have definitely earned it. Ivy, how are you taking that broadside from your nosferatu friend? [01:29:43] Speaker C: I just hold out my hand and say, spendric, can I see your phone real quick? [01:29:50] Speaker D: You've already thrown it once today. I'm not going to let you do it again. [01:29:54] Speaker C: Fine. And I drop my hand to my side. [01:29:58] Speaker B: Yes. And I imagine that silence continues for several minutes, long enough for the young slash old Mr. Scott to change into a better fitting size. And then it is the commercial routine. Money exchanged, goods purchased. Schmendrick, you are the objective observer in this situation. You've established that every time Ivy looks at Alex, there's some confusion in the back of her brain about which vision she sees. So I'm going to rely on your expertise in this moment to tell me. Wig, contacts, costume change. Do you feel comfortable being out with this man, knowing that the police are looking for him? [01:30:41] Speaker D: I kind of walk around Alex, gazing at him from all angles, judging what is currently standing before us. It's not bad. I would feel comfortable, I think, being out with him and being able to stay relatively safe. I don't think the police will pick up on him. And that's for the best. [01:31:07] Speaker B: The best for you, the best for him, the best for Ivy. And economics. We'd call that a coincidence of wants. I'm sure Alex appreciates the time and attention you've put into altering his identity, at least a little bit. At least for now. But will that be enough to keep the police at bay and the masquerade intact? That's a story for another night. You've been listening to the all night. [01:31:33] Speaker A: Society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queen's court games. If you've enjoyed your stay, consider supporting. [01:31:41] Speaker B: Us on Patreon for access to exclusive art, audio and private fan only games. [01:31:47] Speaker A: For more content, follow us on Facebook. [01:31:50] Speaker B: Instagram or TikTok at Queens court games. [01:31:53] Speaker A: Or on Twitter at Queenscourt Rpg.