Episode 21 - First Things First

[00:00:00] Speaker A: You're listening to the all night Society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queens court games. Oh, what a predicament our kindred find themselves in tonight. Joshua gave precious little warning before arriving at Big Bob's big storage, the phone call ending only a few minutes before the tell tale rumble of his classic car reached out, humming over the horizon, Ivy Schmendric in your lap, he deposited this freshly embraced thing. The horror on Alex's face was, for a time, pinned there by the force of a wooden stake. But just as Joshua's heart prevented him from doing his princely duties and returning this creature to ash, so too did it prevent him from leaving this thing paralyzed. And no sooner had he liberated Mr. Scott from this state than he was back behind the wheel, making vague promises as he stirred the engine to life and issuing his trademark laissez faire commandment. I wouldn't worry about it. Never in a million years would either of you imagined that Joshua is the type but so flagrantly violate the rules of the prince he serves. And yet, here you are. And more to the point, here he is. Alex, you've had precious few moments to digest the situation that you find yourself in over the last 30 minutes. You found yourself dying. Dead, sort of alive, paralyzed. Your clothes are still covered in blood that you know is yours. And despite all the things that have happened and all the new impulses that keep coming in, all the new experiences, all the new information, you are having a difficult time escaping the fact that you know you died. You felt your heart stop, and it hasn't started beating again. But despite that, you still walk, you still think, and you still talk. So when these two vampires and you don't know they're vampires, vampires aren't real, right, Alex? So when these two strangers look down at you left in the gravel of Big Bob's big storage, what's the first thing they see? What is the first thing they will notice about Alexander Scott as he looks up at them, trying to digest what's happened to him. [00:02:56] Speaker B: I can't help but be aware of my own self and to know that. [00:02:59] Speaker A: The first thing I project, the first. [00:03:01] Speaker B: Thing that I present, that everyone has ever said when they looked at me, is, wow, what a forgettable looking human being I can blend into a crowd like a white picket fence blends into a suburbia. [00:03:15] Speaker C: A talent I spent months trying to learn. And he's got it. Naturally, I'm a little bit envious. [00:03:22] Speaker B: I can't help but be aware of my own irony when I spend all my life, trying to be someone so unique, because deep down inside I'm worried that I'm not good enough, it creates the inverse effect. And like trying to stand out like so many others, I end up falling in line like everyone else. And I guess at the end of the day, I'm okay with that, but I'm still trying, probably too hard. [00:03:50] Speaker A: Well, I've said it a number of times before, but immortality is very inflexible. Vampires don't grow as people. If anything, the embrace takes the neuroses that you had when you were living and amplifies them. All the insecurities that you had as a human now have centuries, if you're lucky, to fester, to stew, to boil down, which is to say, if you thought you were unremarkable in life, death's going to be very interesting. Ivy, how are you taking this situation? Is there any part of you. And I feel like I already know the answer, but is there any part of you? Does your heart soften, even just a little bit, looking down at this baby faced man? [00:04:41] Speaker D: No. Should it? Why would it? [00:04:46] Speaker A: Just a thought. [00:04:47] Speaker D: Maybe the only thing I'm feeling is inconvenienced. It's difficult enough worrying about my own night tonight. It's difficult caring about somebody else's night tonight, like, say, schmendrick's or Josh's. But now Josh has given his night tonight to me. Well, to Schmendrick, to be clear, not exactly to me. And yet somehow I'm roped into all of this. So, yeah, I had places to be and things to do tonight and finding out that there's a new baby vamp in town and that I'm undoubtedly about to be roped into taking care of him, I'm unhappy, is probably the nicest way to put that. [00:05:48] Speaker A: Is there no part of you that feels an obligation to the masquerade, to the rules of court, to Prince Jackson? [00:05:56] Speaker D: Yes, obviously. But if I was given the chance to actually uphold those rules, I would have fucking call the prince right now and we'd take care of this and then it wouldn't be my problem. But for some reason, Josh has to have a heart still about things like this, and Schmendrick is friends with him, which means that now it's my problem. These two people having hearts and caring is my problem. [00:06:26] Speaker A: Yeah, you hate to see it. [00:06:28] Speaker D: You hate to see it because, yeah, if it was up to me, I would just call Damien and let him deal with it. And if he decided to let him live, great. It's not my problem anymore. [00:06:41] Speaker A: Well, on the topic of hearts, Schmendric, how is yours feeling right now? [00:06:46] Speaker C: I'm feeling a little tense at this moment. I've been looking between this young baby vampire and ivy, just sort of expectingly. I will give Ivy a couple nudges with my elbow, expecting something from her, but I see the wheels and her head turning and I know she's not going to put herself out there. She's not going to handle this in the way that I would. So it really hits a point where it's I need to take the bandage off. And I pull back my hood, crouch before this person, letting him see the facage I hide most of the time. This little batlike nose, these ears far too large for my head, these black, sunken in eyes with just this hint of what was once a green iris, and I say, hey, my name's Schmendric. It's nice to meet you. [00:07:43] Speaker A: As you contemplate your response. Alex, will you do me a favor and rule self control? This situation is confusing enough on its own, but you are now staring up at a literal monster. Adorable in certain ways, to be clear, but definitely not human. [00:08:02] Speaker B: Willpower. Normal success. Dice rolled five. I got two. [00:08:06] Speaker A: You are on the cusp of being able to handle this situation. It's not abject terror. You don't find yourself scrambling backwards across the gravel. You do have a difficult time containing the revulsion slightly more serious than seeing someone especially unfortunate on public transit and not being able to look away before they notice that you're staring slightly below, blurting out something really offensive to this woman's face. [00:08:40] Speaker B: As I'm trying to take all this in, I stumble my words as I stammer your nose. You're like the snake guy from the books with the wizard kid. That's a mask. That's a mask. You're wearing a mask, aren't you? [00:09:05] Speaker C: Voldemort? [00:09:06] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:06] Speaker C: I've never been compared to Voldemort before. It's a new day for me. [00:09:11] Speaker D: No, because Voldemort didn't have a nose, and you have a very large one. [00:09:17] Speaker C: That's fair. I get this a lot. I am a little difficult to look at at first, but I think in time, you will maybe get used to it, Ivy. Do you get used to it? [00:09:30] Speaker D: Oh, God, no. Okay. [00:09:33] Speaker C: You won't get used to. [00:09:37] Speaker B: Listen. Okay, I get it. Right. Surgery. You did the alt surgery? Hey, I think it's cool. Whatever floats your boat, man. You know what I mean? It's okay. [00:09:50] Speaker C: Short answer, not surgery. Long answer. Maybe when you're ready. But let's just say I find myself in the same situation that you are in. [00:10:02] Speaker B: What fucking situation are we in? Oh, my God. Is my face okay? I'm so sorry. That's very rude of me. What is my face like? [00:10:15] Speaker C: You look like a man in your early 30s. Nothing untoward. No adorable little bat noses. [00:10:25] Speaker B: Yeah. I think for all my tinder dates have described me as a male in his 30s without a bat nose. I think that's a very common description of most men. I look to the other person. Do I have a bat nose? What's going on here? [00:10:44] Speaker D: No, I'm trying very hard to stifle a laugh, because this is the funniest conversation I have been privy to in a long time. [00:10:55] Speaker A: I don't know how to tell you this, but you're not doing a very good job of stifling that laugh. [00:11:00] Speaker D: You know what? That's fair. This is a very funny conversation for me. But I hold up a hand, and I say, no, your face is fine. You don't have a bat nose or ears or anything like that. You're you, more or less. [00:11:21] Speaker B: Okay. [00:11:24] Speaker C: I was referring more to this. And I will take a clawed finger, and I will tap it right on your chest, where your heart would be, pointing out that the fact that it's no longer beating, and I just say this, the fact that you're dead, that's the same situation we find each other in. [00:11:44] Speaker D: You're just going to rip off the bandaid, not even going to ease him into. [00:11:49] Speaker B: Huh? [00:11:50] Speaker C: I mean, Ivy, look at me. We've already had the conversation about how there's a literal monster in front of him. The band aid's already ripped off. [00:11:59] Speaker D: I mean, he definitely just thought you were some alt kid who had way too much plastic surgery, so, you know. [00:12:06] Speaker C: If the world was that easy, I wouldn't have to sneak around as much. [00:12:10] Speaker D: Maybe it is. Maybe you're just making it way harder than it needs to be. [00:12:14] Speaker C: Wouldn't be a masquerade breach at all if I decided to just go out in public. [00:12:20] Speaker B: Okay, I'm still here. I'm still very confused. I'm not dead. I'm touching my body. It's still very squishy. And what masquerade are we talking about exactly? Because I've never gotten one of those invites. Is it, like, eyes wide, opposed? I'm not opposed to, but I just never got the invite. [00:12:43] Speaker A: I think the answer to that question depends entirely on whether or not you're a toriodor. But I'll have to go check the book. The tapping I want to draw some attention to, because, schmendric, as you went to tap Alex's chest, and Alex, as you bring your hand to your own chest, I don't want either of you to lose sight of the fact that there's still a steak shaped hole where the heart should be. You have a brand new baby vampire. And he did eat. We'll talk about that later. But he has yet to repair that part of his body. Or maybe things have started. But it's not to say that you reach up and find a totally normal swole. Beautiful, hard, effort earned chest. [00:13:25] Speaker C: It takes me a moment to realize that I've just barely missed shoving my fingers into this cavity. And I just kind of lean back and go, we're going to have to do something about that first, I think. [00:13:39] Speaker B: I look at you looking confused at my chest. I feel the confusion rising in my own mind as kind of as a child drawn to a flame, slowly moves their hands to touch my body. I'm looking for what you're looking at. And then I feel. Feel it. And then I can feel coldness just dropping through me to my toes as I look at my hands and see blood. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shit. I need to go to the hospital. Someone fucking shot me. [00:14:13] Speaker D: There it is. [00:14:14] Speaker B: I'm shot. I am dying. Why are we sitting here talking about this? I have been shot. Drive by shoot. [00:14:22] Speaker C: Okay, calm. Bring it down, like, several levels. Okay, you're not shot. You're not dying because you're already dead. Like, think about it, my dude. [00:14:35] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm dead. [00:14:37] Speaker C: Like, look at yourself. Who gets shot like that and survives? [00:14:42] Speaker B: I don't know. I mean, 50 cent got shot nine times, but I'm pretty sure it was all in the ass. Never in the gaping chest wound that I have right now. What is happening to me? [00:14:55] Speaker D: I'm dying. I kind of shove Schmendrick aside and get right up in front of Alex, and I kind of put my hands on his face, and I'm just like, okay. I would tell you to breathe, but you don't need to breathe, so just calm down. [00:15:11] Speaker B: Why don't I need to breathe? I've been shot and I need breathing. It's good. Does someone have, like, a brown paper bag? I need to walk this off. I need to walk off. Alex, how do you walk off getting shot in your fucking chest, man? [00:15:29] Speaker D: I kind of give him a little light slap across his face to get his attention back on me. Alex, Alex. Alex, eyes on me. [00:15:38] Speaker B: Yeah, nice eyes on you. Nice to meet you. [00:15:42] Speaker D: Hi, I'm ivy. Nice to. Nice to meet you. We're about to drop a lot of knowledge on you real fast, so I need you to stay with me, okay? All right. [00:15:53] Speaker B: Okay. Knowledge. Okay. [00:15:57] Speaker D: All right. So, Alex, are you a fan of horror movies? Yes or. [00:16:05] Speaker B: No? [00:16:06] Speaker D: No. Do they scare. Okay, that. Of course they do. This tracks anyway. It is fine. Okay. You know what zombies are? [00:16:22] Speaker B: Am I a zombie? [00:16:24] Speaker D: No, you're not. If you were a zombie, you wouldn't be talking right now. But you know what they are, right? [00:16:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:16:29] Speaker D: Okay. Do you know what vampires are? Yeah. Okay, great. So ready? Three, two, one. And I just kind of smile and extend my fangs. You're a vampire. Happy Tuesday night. [00:16:46] Speaker B: Did Ricky J put you up to this shit? I swear that guy's getting more creative with his. No, vampires don't exist. The fang thing you do, it's cute. It's kind of working for me. There's no way this is real. Okay. Come on, Ricky J. Where you at, man? You fucking got me, bro. Where are you at? [00:17:05] Speaker C: This is going to be harder than I thought it would be. [00:17:09] Speaker D: I turn and just give Schmendrick a look as he's talking about J. No, I can confidently say that I have never, ever been in the presence of anybody named Ricky J. Before. Ever. [00:17:26] Speaker C: Yeah. This is all seriousness, Alex, and we're going to have to stress that upon you sooner rather than later. [00:17:35] Speaker A: Really draws into stark contrast the difference between being embraced on purpose. Ivy having a very deliberate and orchestrated introduction into vampire society. Schmendrick, less formal, but still with a great degree of intentionality. Thank God it didn't happen like this. Can you imagine? No, but I would like to know. You can tell Alex a million times that he's a vampire. He's obviously not picking it up and even the hole in his chest hasn't quite sealed that. What's the move? What's the thing you can do in this moment or make him do in this moment that'll bring it home at least, maybe enough to take the edge off and convince him that Ricky J. [00:18:17] Speaker B: Isn't involved. [00:18:19] Speaker C: We can't just sit out here in the middle of the parking lot waiting for someone random to drop in on our conversation. So I stand to my feet and extend a hand out to Alex and say, listen, what Ivy says is right. We are going to have to teach you a lot in little time. And I have something that might help right now. Kind of bring that home for you. [00:18:46] Speaker B: Yeah, sure. I've forgotten about this thing and the chest wound. So whatever you got to tell me, please. I'm very confused right now. What's going on here? [00:19:01] Speaker C: Yeah, that'll fix in due time, but for the moment. And I'll start to lead everyone back to my shipping container. [00:19:10] Speaker A: Yeah, it's been a while since we've been inside the old shipping crate. Home. Shipping home. How's the decor, Schmendric? Anything new since last we visited? [00:19:20] Speaker C: Not particularly. I've been making sure to not go crazy with my abode while I've been searching for a new house. Because it's like, why decorate only to undecorate when you move? This was only ever temporary. Sure, I guess it might make me feel a little better to have a fancier shipping container, but the anticipation of my new Haven kind of keeps my attention. [00:19:48] Speaker A: So, as Schmenjick leads you in to this steel container, about 30ft long, 10ft wide and tall, the door swings open and you see a modestly appointed living space. Actually, there's a bed. The interior is strung with Christmas lights. Most of it is dominated by the glow of. What is it, Schmendrick? Seven, eight, nine monitors? A dozen? [00:20:14] Speaker C: Nine. I'm trying to get a couple more, but nine will do for now. [00:20:20] Speaker A: Yeah, I think if you pull any more voltage off that extension cord, it's going to cause some trouble. [00:20:26] Speaker C: I've been meaning to find a way to rig myself up directly, but time constraints. [00:20:32] Speaker A: I think the tramier knows something about vampires and electricity, if you want to go that far, but that's a later story. Nine monitors, a beanbag chair. It's the kind of place that would go for about $3,000 a month in San Francisco. [00:20:46] Speaker C: Amongst some of these belongings in this room, there happens to be a mini fridge. There's also a blender, as well as other cooking instruments. But try not to focus too hard on that right now, because I open up this fridge, reach inside and I pull out a package of blood. And while at first you may not think much of it, I tear it open and the scent will likely waft its way over to you. [00:21:13] Speaker A: Well, the scent is going to waft in quite a number of directions. The thing about bagged blood, when you go to the Red Cross, for example, and you'll then put a needle in your arm, the bag is already full of certain chemicals, stabilizes the plasma and other sciency bits. But it's not raw, it's not fresh, it's processed, and to people, finger quotes, people with a more refined palate than Schmendrick, which is 98% of vampires. I'm pretty sure the scent is not so far as revolting, but imagine for a moment you've gone to the fridge and you're looking for milk, maybe cottage cheese, and you take the cap off, and without even looking down, you get that whiff of, ooh, nope, something's wrong there. That smell that makes you double check the expiration date. That's normally the vibe that someone more akin to live feeding, shall we say, if you're not a vegetarian vampire would experience. That's certainly the face that Ivy's making. [00:22:22] Speaker C: Bagged blood fulfills a need, not a want. [00:22:26] Speaker A: Indeed. And it is that word that I'm going to seize upon in this moment. Need. Because, Alex, despite the automatic level of revulsion that comes out of you from a place that you might not have known existed until just now, there is a more powerful feeling, and this isn't the first time, a feeling that has emerged up out of you. Just after the embrace, when you charged across the parking lot and found that woman, you felt this thing inside of you. At first, it might have felt like an internal monologue or that part of your brain that urges you towards an activity you might not have wanted to otherwise. It's the same basic vibe of the voice in your head that says, yeah, do another keg stand, or, yeah, it's okay, you can drive that little part of you that in the decades past has been responsible for those bad ideas, performance of masculinity, so on and so forth. But that voice has a sinister tinge, a growl to it, and it's not coming from the back of your head. It's more metaphysical than that. So as Schmendrick offers up this bag to you, you have that very physical lurch in your throat feeling of disgust, overpowered immediately by a singular urge to consume the contents. [00:23:51] Speaker B: I just look at this bag. I'm so acutely aware, and in this confusion, I just stammer going, no, you're not supposed to drink this. It's not good for you. They tell you all the time, blood is. Blood is not. You're not supposed to. [00:24:13] Speaker C: You need to drink this now. That's the situation you find yourself in. And I will offer the bag to him. [00:24:23] Speaker A: It's not Jishmendrick telling you what to do. The closer it gets to you. You find yourself fixated, staring down at the contents, ensorceled almost by that rich shade of crimson. And you find your tongue reflexively reaching up to your teeth to trace across. And that scent and anticipation of pennies of iron is already on your palate. [00:24:55] Speaker B: I stammer as I look into this crimson fluid, slowly bringing it to my mouth. And then eventually, I guess, the instinct takes over. And without even being aware of it, I am guzzling it. I am gulping it whole. I am ingesting it. And that cold, metallic penny flavor, it comes to life on my tongue like hot iron. That kind of ion that just burns off of a computer, or that kind of smelting, burning furnace that just chars the wind. And I feel good. I feel pretty damn good. [00:25:40] Speaker A: Now, I want you to remember that feeling. I want you to commit it to memory. Find a piece of your brain that you know isn't going to go anywhere and lock it there forever. Because henceforth, every time you see a human, every time you reach over to someone's hand and feel a beating heart every hour of every night for the remainder of your own life, that feeling is going to lurk. That want, no matter what else happens, no matter what else you have going on, no matter what else you want to do, that urge is going to be there. You want to feel like this all the time. Forever. [00:26:27] Speaker C: You're not the only one that feels this pull at this moment in time. As I'm watching you devour what's left of my final juice box, I have my fangs dancing across my lower lip. And then I just sort of slump my shoulders and shut the mini fridge. No more contents left inside. So, yeah. Do you understand now? Does this make more sense? [00:26:54] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm a vampire. [00:27:01] Speaker D: In fairness, we prefer the term kindred. [00:27:04] Speaker B: Oh, we do? Is that like, a politically correct thing? [00:27:09] Speaker D: Okay, yeah, I'm a kindred. [00:27:12] Speaker B: Cool. [00:27:13] Speaker C: It also raises less alarm bells. [00:27:18] Speaker B: What alarm bells? Sorry, I'm still a little. My brain is fuzzy from the capri sun I just found. [00:27:27] Speaker A: It's also worth considering at this moment that in addition to the genuine shock your brain is experiencing, at some point, you will realize that the twisting, popping sensation in your chest is your rib cage assembling itself. [00:27:47] Speaker B: I think that bullet wound is fixing itself now. [00:27:51] Speaker D: Yeah, that happens. [00:27:54] Speaker B: Do you feel it every time? [00:27:57] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:27:58] Speaker C: Also, technically, a steak did that, but let's not split hairs. [00:28:04] Speaker B: Well, I got, like, Helsing style. [00:28:10] Speaker D: Josh is really good at that. Yeah. [00:28:13] Speaker B: Who the fuck is Josh? [00:28:16] Speaker C: He's a friend of ours. The fellow you ran into tonight that drove you here. [00:28:22] Speaker D: You guys were having a nice little chat, and then suddenly you couldn't move, and the next thing you knew, you were here. Right? Yeah. You were staked in his car. It's just a thing. [00:28:36] Speaker A: Don't want to say it happens to every vampire, but it happens to a lot of vampires. [00:28:42] Speaker C: But good thing you brought up Van Helsing, because when we brought up the fact that we call each other kindred and the mention of the alarm bells ringing, there are certain words and rules we have so that we hide that and we don't have people hunting us. [00:29:00] Speaker D: Do you understand? [00:29:02] Speaker B: Okay, wait, so you're telling me that the vampire slayer show with the really cute person, that's all real? [00:29:15] Speaker D: Well, I mean, real for a given value of real. [00:29:21] Speaker C: It's tv. It's not. Correct. It is for people's entertainment. But there are grains of truth within it. [00:29:31] Speaker D: Like crosses. Right, crosses and crucifixes. Big, scary. Like to us? No, I mean to me, definitely not to others, maybe. [00:29:42] Speaker B: Okay, I'm a vampire. And there, oh, boy, that's going to take some getting used to. And there's people that may want to kill us, and I have to hide that I'm a vampire, so I don't. Okay, crosses don't work. Does the sun still do the thing? [00:30:02] Speaker D: Oh, yeah, the sun definitely does the thing. You don't want to be out in that. [00:30:08] Speaker C: Also, fire does the thing effectively as well. [00:30:12] Speaker D: Yeah, fire does the thing, too. [00:30:15] Speaker B: Okay, so no sunlight, no fire. Don't go camping. [00:30:25] Speaker D: I mean, you can. You just got to bury yourself underground during the daytime. [00:30:32] Speaker B: Okay. [00:30:37] Speaker D: So I've heard. [00:30:39] Speaker B: Okay, so camp 6ft deep. [00:30:43] Speaker A: Got it. [00:30:44] Speaker B: Okay, so don't tell people I'm a vampire. Don't go out in the sunlight. Do I still get all the. Can I do all the cool things like turn into mist and hit on movie stars? [00:30:57] Speaker A: How does that work, Schmendrick? As Alex is ruminating on the potential benefits of this situation, will you do me a favor? Enroll willpower. [00:31:07] Speaker C: Yes, I can. Oh, that is one success. [00:31:12] Speaker A: So here's the problem, Schmendric. I know that you have a basic human almost motherly urge to guide this child through his first moments of realizing that he's a vampire and to be the kind of good, kindred citizen who assists him in making the smoothest transition from alive to dead. But here's the thing. You're hungry and it's not a problem right now. You know that you have a sense of where your limits are, but you also know that you fed him your last little bit of buffer, and the beast knows it. Saw that it's not super happy. There was something you were going to do tonight before Alex showed up. Right. [00:31:59] Speaker C: I'm not especially happy that I've basically given the new kid my last remaining juice box. But it's one of those situations where I can either feed him and have that situation more or less resolve itself so it doesn't blow up beyond my control or save that little snack for later. But yes, there is definitely something I needed to do tonight. [00:32:25] Speaker A: Yeah, there was. You've got a plan to refill your empty pantry. And you know what? The beast has been patient about it. You've been able to muster up the self control required to keep it from doing something that you'll regret. But, and Ivy, this might come as a shock to you as you see it washing across Schmendrick's face. Beef's getting real fucking impatient, even more so now that it sees you handing food away. [00:32:55] Speaker C: As I'm standing there looking kind of agitated, but also semi listening to the conversation around me, I tilt my head to Alex and I just say, well, you don't really see me hitting on any movie stars, do you? [00:33:10] Speaker B: I don't mean there's some rock stars who I think may kind of find the vibe working for them. [00:33:19] Speaker C: It's possibly the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. [00:33:24] Speaker B: Okay, cool. Well, you're valid and you deserve good things, and I'm very out of my element. What should we do? Holy shit. I just realized I have work tomorrow. [00:33:49] Speaker D: No, you don't. [00:33:52] Speaker B: I don't? [00:33:53] Speaker D: Do I quit? [00:33:54] Speaker B: What do I do? [00:33:55] Speaker C: As this new revelation has dawned upon Alex, I kind of give Ivy this look. My eyes just kind of darting past the man in front of us and to her face, just pleading, I have to go. Expression. [00:34:16] Speaker D: Schmendrick. [00:34:17] Speaker B: Go ahead. [00:34:18] Speaker A: And real self control again. [00:34:20] Speaker C: Okay, that is a three this time. Little better. [00:34:25] Speaker A: Yeah. You managed not to explode at your friend, bear your fangs and try to throw her across the room, but it is undeniable now. The beast is done with this shit. And it's going to give you a choice. You can have small talk here and then hope next time you can stop it from ripping someone limb from limb, or you can work on solving this problem. [00:34:53] Speaker C: The foundations of all good friendships are not throwing your friend across the room. I think I have no other options at this moment in time. And I just this time blurted out, Ivy, I need to go. Can you watch over this guy? Just until I get. [00:35:13] Speaker D: I. I'm trying to decide if. I mean, I assume I'm picking up what she's putting down. Like she's. She's just going to go. [00:35:21] Speaker A: We can answer that question. [00:35:24] Speaker C: I have no other recourse at this point. If I don't go now, something bad is going to happen and I may not be in control for it. [00:35:33] Speaker D: I have an honest, out of character question. Is it something that you honestly would sit here and just be like, ivy, please do this. Or you would just be like, hey, I'm gone. Like, have fucking fun. I'm out for, like, I'll be back, mean. [00:35:50] Speaker A: We can answer that question. Why don't you roll wits and insight? [00:35:54] Speaker D: Three successes. [00:35:56] Speaker A: She's not making any effort to hide it. And although you'd never admit as much in public or in private, you've probably quashed that memory down quite a ways, you know that? Look, Schmendric is never the type to be impatient or unkind. That by itself is strange, but you can sense the animal underneath that. [00:36:22] Speaker D: Um, yeah, Schmendrick and I just kind of eye her up and I'll. I'll handle this. You go take care of whatever you've got going on tonight. [00:36:39] Speaker C: Thanks, Ivy. I appreciate this so much. Feel free to use this area. I'll see you soon. [00:36:49] Speaker D: Yeah, take all the time you need. [00:36:53] Speaker A: And so Schmendrick departs. We'll return to Ivy and her mortal quandary soon enough. For now, perhaps you'll indulge me a question. Where is the orange beetle heading tonight? [00:37:08] Speaker C: My little orange beetle and I are off to the University of Chicago medicine this evening. Like with most things, I'm extraordinarily careful once I get there. I'm not about to risk the whole operation by parking in the campus parking lot itself. And instead I'm going to park at a nearby local establishment. It is my preference, and far safer for me to walk across than to get my car maybe caught up or locked in a situation that I can't easily get out of. Now, this university is made up of several different medical buildings. The one I'm after in particular is the one that happens to have the blood donor clinic inside of it, and that is the one that I need to break into. Over the last few nights, I have been casing the joint, watching the people come and go very, very closely, scrutinizing every little detail about them. You know, their faces, their voices, their manner of speech, what they like to drink. In the mornings, I'm there jotting down every little detail. These sorts of things are pretty important to me now, and in order to get out of a potentially bad situation, these details could save my unlife. So that part I've got locked down. Tonight's focus is on the security for the building, what it looks like, and how I can manipulate that in some way or another to hide my tracks. I want it to look as though I was never here in the long run and ideally, to give myself that hour or two window to get away with my ill gotten goods. [00:38:57] Speaker A: Are you referring to the physical security, the cameras and the locks? [00:39:02] Speaker C: And that would be the idea. We can theorize that the Security system is going to be difficult, which it probably isn't going to be, because I'm me. But on the off chance that it happens to be a tough nut to crack, having little tidbits of information like when was the last update to the system in my pocket will benefit me greatly if any hiccup should arise. I'm nothing if not prepared, and I do not like being caught with my pants down. [00:39:34] Speaker A: I totally understand, and I imagine it's a little nerve wracking. Normally you do this kind of thing from 50 miles away behind a keyboard. I don't seem to recall Schmendrick doing a lot of footy sleuth work. [00:39:49] Speaker C: That's true, but this also has to deal with getting a fairly stable food supply for the days to come. [00:39:58] Speaker A: Well, insofar as I understand these things, if a system is connected to the Internet, you wouldn't be here. So this one's not. And that means you have to find the server room or the security office. Some kind of cable room where you can patch in and get that information, right? [00:40:18] Speaker C: Exactly. It is rather self contained. I'm sure at some point it's going to upload its data to some other server, but right now I am focused mainly on this closed circuit. There's several places I can patch in, but one of my favorite spots right now is this little alcove where it's basically just concrete on all sides. It's dark and a little bit spooky, and I can just kind of hide away in there, get my work done without anyone noticing me. [00:40:49] Speaker A: What part of the building is it in? [00:40:51] Speaker C: It's a stones throw from the building, kind of in an underground ramp area leading into the sub basement. [00:41:01] Speaker A: That's where we're headed, huh? [00:41:03] Speaker C: Exactly. Some dark corner where an overly ambitious nosferatu can hack into a college security outlet. [00:41:13] Speaker A: Nosferatsu. Hiding in a dark corner, hacking? I've never heard of such a thing. [00:41:17] Speaker C: Listen, you jest, but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. We're just so damn good at it. [00:41:28] Speaker A: Hey, if you have a skill set, flaunt it. So we find Schmendrick outside the medical center. Orange bug parked a few blocks away for safety purposes. So you exit your vehicle, mind and eyes on the service entrance where this ramp will give you access to the prize you crave. There is, of course, your visage to worry about when it comes to sneaking around. What's your plan for getting from a to b? [00:41:55] Speaker C: Normally I just kind of walk around with my hood up. I'm not sure if it's instinct or what, but people kind of naturally part the way for me in this state. But in college campuses they teach people to be very wary and for good reason. To prevent any alarm bells from ringing, I'm actually going to enter the area with the use of obfuscate. [00:42:22] Speaker A: You're going to take advantage of unseen passage, then? [00:42:25] Speaker C: Yes. The idea is to make as little. [00:42:28] Speaker A: Noise as possible as is your way. Will you make a rouse check for me? [00:42:34] Speaker C: I can. Ooh. It seems as though I'm a little hungrier for it. But all of this is in the name of food, so I'm going to consider it an investment. [00:42:47] Speaker A: I suppose there's a bit of irony there, but also it reminds you that you're on a clock. If you want to keep to your moral guns, if you want to avoid sinking your fangs into a human, you've maintained that commitment for God knows how long now. [00:43:05] Speaker C: I'll be honest, I don't remember a time when I didn't do it this way. I dread to think about the day when I kind of am forced to break these morals that I have. But that's something I don't really have time to dwell on right now. I'm going to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the task at hand. [00:43:26] Speaker A: Nevertheless, the beast wants you to know that you're on a clock. One way or another, it's going to get what it wants. It doesn't especially care if you succeed in this plan or not. But you're not so hungry that it presents a terrible problem. Right. You can shove that aside for now and focus on the task at hand. [00:43:45] Speaker C: I'd like to think we have an understanding. I've never let it down before. Well, maybe once or twice. [00:43:56] Speaker A: Your gifts make short work of the trip. That much is certain. Nobody here is in any way aware of the skills that you possess or how they might detect them. It is a simple thing to walk invisible amongst the college students, amongst the various medical staff occupying this facility. It's almost a bit boring as you cross the asphalt and the pavement and arrive within a stone's throw up the service bay. It would be nice if it had been left unattended, if the door had been propped open. But this is Chicago. This is a hospital. You're not that lucky. There's a semi parked in the loading bay at the moment, the kind that carries that generic brand of hospital food and nondescript plastic supplies. A handful of people, two or three as you wait and count, are shuffling boxes back and forth between here and the storage area inside, wheeling a dolly between them. On the one hand, it means the door is open. If you could find a way to thread that needle. On the other hand, there are a lot of moving parts, and you know what's going to happen to your obfuscation disguise if you make a mistake. [00:45:12] Speaker C: Wouldn't be fun if there wasn't at least some sort of risk, right? So I will attempt to thread the needle, as you so finely put it, as I am ever cautious, though I can watch for a bit to see when they might be winding down or when they might be heading out. That seems like a safe bet. [00:45:35] Speaker A: Well, the problem you're going to face is that when they're done, that door is locked. It's only open now because it's in use. [00:45:42] Speaker C: So what you're saying is there's only a small window of opportunity then. Guess I can't waste time. And I'm going to go in and thread that needle, try to weave my. [00:45:53] Speaker A: Way past nothing a little daring do can't fix, right? Well, before you settle on that decision, for sure, this would be dexterity and athletics. So, having said that, sure, you can jump in, risk it if you want. You could wait until the folks are done and see if you have the technical or mechanical know how to open it up. Or you could stake it out a little longer. Maybe there's another way inside. [00:46:20] Speaker C: You bring up some good points. I'm almost tempted to at this point, since I'm on such a time crunch, to just belly crawl my way underneath of the truck. But even that's dangerous. So for now I think I'm going to wait for them to finish up and leave and just open up one of the doors myself. [00:46:43] Speaker A: It does take a not insignificant amount of time. These folks get paid by the hour, and they're in no particular hurry to exert themselves any more than they have to. So you watch box after box, cycle after cycle, dolly load after Dolly, load, all the while with nothing more to entertain yourself with than the inane banter of three middle aged teamsters. But patience is rewarded eventually. The truck fires itself back up. One of the gentlemen walking by giving a nice thump on the hood. All right, Jeff, take her out. [00:47:21] Speaker C: There is a degree of relief as I watch the truck pull away. What's that expression, daylight burns? Well, it seems that nighttime burns just as well, and there's only so many hours I can spend watching a bunch of underpaid workers take their time moving goods most inadequately. Thankfully, now that they're gone, I can get the plan back into motion. And I'm going to start this off by pressing my ear to the door to listen in, to see if there's anyone still moving around in the bay. I want to make sure I'm truly alone before I take that plunge. And when I'm certain that bay is empty, I'm going to start to unlock the door from my side. [00:48:09] Speaker A: Well, I have two questions. One, you remember that interacting with the physical world is going to shed your obfuscation. Yes. And two, how do you plan on unlocking the door? [00:48:23] Speaker C: Well, most bays have that side door that people can walk in and out of. I just couldn't use it earlier because there were so many people milling about. So that door, specifically, is the one I'm going to be unlocking, and I'm going to be using my lock picks for this task. If people see me, well, that's just a risk I'm going to have to take. [00:48:44] Speaker A: All right, let's solve two problems, one at a time. First, can you roll wits and awareness for me? [00:48:51] Speaker C: Two successes. [00:48:54] Speaker A: It's a big city. It's a big city hospital. There's always some amount of traffic, sirens, all that kind of thing. Makes it really hard to put your ears to the ground and hear what's what. But you're 70% confident no one's going to interrupt you. With that said, the outcome depends, I suppose, on how quickly you can make your way through this lock. That would be dexterity and larceny. [00:49:22] Speaker C: Time is definitely of the essence, and I did get three successes. [00:49:30] Speaker A: Three successes is more than enough to get the job done here. It's an ordinary commercial lock. It's not like you're breaking into Fort Knox. So between claws and picks, you manage to pop the tumbler open and weasel your way inside. On the other side of the door is a long, tiled, industrial hallway, none of the fancy trappings they let the patient see. This is pure, purpose built instrumental architecture. Bright white fluorescent lighting, the kind that offices now have long since gotten rid of because of how dismal it feels for the human psyche to be trapped under this kind of light. There's the were and the of different kinds of industrial machinery, heating, cooling, that kind of thing humming around in the background. [00:50:18] Speaker C: It's not like they're doing clinical trials or operations in here. The area doesn't need to be pristine or fancy. Right. Why waste resources on something that needs to be simple and basic to get the job done? [00:50:35] Speaker A: It's very capitalist of you. [00:50:36] Speaker C: I hate how you just. You know exactly where to hit me, to hurt me, don't you? [00:50:43] Speaker A: What does it matter? No one who matters is going to see this. Only the workers. And they have to suffer. [00:50:49] Speaker C: You are very cruel today, storyteller. [00:50:53] Speaker A: Oh, it doesn't reflect on you. It's just the world that we live in. A world of darkness, one might say. [00:50:58] Speaker C: Well, with those thoughts aside, I'm going to try and get into this mainframe and get it done as quickly as possible and with any luck, without too much more interruption. [00:51:12] Speaker A: Is it your intent to return to the shadows or are you hoping that your natural stealthy inclinations will do the job? [00:51:20] Speaker C: First off, I have a question. Are there any individuals milling about around here? [00:51:26] Speaker A: There's no one with an earshot, but it's a busy hospital. God only knows what's going on in here. [00:51:33] Speaker C: In that case, I'm confident in my ability to remain stealthy under these circumstances without having to rely on the powers of my blood. [00:51:45] Speaker A: Well, there are two pieces to sneaking around an actively monitored site. You need to know where to hide and you have to be nimble enough to get there. How about wits and larceny? [00:51:59] Speaker C: That, unfortunately, is another two success. [00:52:04] Speaker A: I don't know, might be cutting it a little close. [00:52:08] Speaker C: I really think I am better than this. I perform better than this on most days. I don't really have time to be this sloppy tonight, so I am going to collect myself. This ineptitude is not acceptable and I am going to willpower reroll. [00:52:29] Speaker A: Nothing wrong with that. That's what it's there for. Does it do you any good? [00:52:34] Speaker C: I got two additional successes from that and that brings me up to a total of four. [00:52:41] Speaker A: Well, four is a much better number than two, isn't it? [00:52:44] Speaker C: It's certainly a number I can be much more confident in. [00:52:48] Speaker A: That is plenty to let you navigate this labyrinth of interior spaces, making your way down the stairs, through the web of access corridors and utility tunnels until you arrive at. I think mainframe might be giving it too much credit, but it is an electric junction where the cables you need can be found. This isn't an especially high tech system. There's not a laptop or a console plugged into it. But you're Schmendrick. This is your thing. Surely you have the equipment you need. [00:53:26] Speaker C: I do. I had to get a new laptop, of course, after my whole run in with the second inquisition, that was a bit of a blow. But the new laptop is nice and shiny, and I can hook right up to the mainframe without issue. [00:53:44] Speaker A: Ishmanja, the kind of person who puts stickers on her computer, obviously. [00:53:49] Speaker C: Like, I'm surprised you even had to ask. But right now, this laptop is currently unblemished, and that's because it's just so new. You kind of want that new laptop smell when you look at it and see the shine of the face. I imagine it's a lot like when you get a car, and if it's a new car, you want to keep it as pristine as possible. And later on, you would mar it with low brow bumper stickers. That isn't to say I haven't been on the lookout for suitable stickers, but nothing really girly, cotton candy pink contrarian has really come across my table yet that I can really sink my teeth into. [00:54:34] Speaker A: So it remains as yet undecorated for the moment. [00:54:39] Speaker C: I'm sure I'll find some sort of outlet that has the rainbow vomit unicorn stickers that I'm after. [00:54:45] Speaker A: Got to be out there somewhere. [00:54:47] Speaker B: That's a problem. [00:54:48] Speaker A: For later, though. Let's see if your hacking skills suffer from a lack of sticker inspiration. Will you roll wits and technology for. [00:54:57] Speaker C: Me, that would be four successes. [00:55:01] Speaker A: So this network is slightly better than commercial off the shelf. It's a part of health infrastructure, so they can't get away with just basic technology. And there is a moment where you appreciate just that hint of extra challenge before you blow right through it. With your hacking expertise, at least it wasn't boring, but it doesn't put up a real challenge. [00:55:25] Speaker C: Yes, but it's also quite tantalizing. Like, there's that feeling of something greater, and then it immediately dissipates. I suppose it's similar to eating cotton candy because you get that blast of flavor, and then it just immediately dissipates in your mouth and you just go, oh, I guess that's over with. [00:55:46] Speaker A: Just a top level cursory look at the network confirms a lot of what you would have guessed. There are cameras, of course, because there have to be. Not an especially high number of them, but enough to cover the entrances, cover the exits, and then also looking down from the ceiling at the various covers and equipment lets you know who comes in and who leaves, but then also lets you keep an eye on workers. If something goes wrong down the road, you can come back to the tape and see who packaged such and such or who was the last person to touch, blah, blah, blah. [00:56:18] Speaker C: I would like to assume it's the type of surveillance system that only gets looked at when something goes wrong. But there's also a lot of money in this building, so better safe than sorry. [00:56:34] Speaker A: Well, you are correct in that sense. This is not an actively monitored system, at least not in the lab. The ones outside watching the area you came through in that kind of stuff. Definitely a big panel of monitors somewhere in this building where an underpaid security guard drinks coffee 12 hours at a time watching the screens flick by this one, unless someone has a reason to come back and look at it, the footage is going to be kept somewhere for a week or a month or a year or whatever the law says and then just be erased and forgotten by history. [00:57:09] Speaker C: As I see it, I'm left with a couple of options here. I could doctor the cameras so that they don't record me while I am stealing. Or, and this is a little riskier, delete the footage from the server after it has been recorded. And finally, the best and my favorite option is to get a piece of clean footage and loop it in the mainframe so that people watching are none the wiser to anything mischievous going on. [00:57:43] Speaker A: I mean, if I know Schmendric the way that I think I know Schmendrick, it's obviously option three. Why would you not pick the most fun one? [00:57:50] Speaker C: You know what? You're absolutely right. And while I'm here just kind of tinkering around, I'll be sure to grab the cleanest of footage so that I can use it later on and loop it. It helps to have these sorts of things prepared for the night of the big heist. [00:58:08] Speaker A: Very well. One last little technical trick. Let's try wits and technology again. [00:58:14] Speaker C: Three successes. [00:58:17] Speaker A: If the FBI came in and did a no shit forensic analysis on this feed, they would probably find that something had gone amiss. But local cops, the local university police, they'll have no idea. It'd fool them. [00:58:31] Speaker C: And you know what? That's really the target of people that I am trying to fool. If I manage to alert the FBI to a couple of blood bags going missing, that's a whole other can of worms. That sort of situation wouldn't be fully my fault. That would be something else going on in this building with any luck. That kind of internal investigation would probably lead to some other issue. [00:59:00] Speaker A: Yeah, you got bigger problems at that point. I mean, hey, worst case scenario, if it's the FBI, you can just tell them it was Ivy. [00:59:06] Speaker C: You know, they are actively searching for her. [00:59:10] Speaker A: Yeah, you'd get out scot free. Is there any other meddling you'd like to do while you're here, or is it time to pack up your techno goodies and get out? [00:59:20] Speaker C: I think I got everything I came here for, and it's time to bid the place adieu. I'll be seeing you again soon. [00:59:31] Speaker A: I'd like to pretend you actually say that out loud to the little computer system. [00:59:35] Speaker C: I'd give it a little wave as well, if that helps. [00:59:39] Speaker A: Perfect. I love the relationship Schmendrick has with machines. Unfortunately, same puzzle on the way out as back in. It'll be slightly easier because you've had a chance to see how the general vibe of this place goes. But the question remains to you whether you're going to rely on your natural talents or allow your kindred powers to see you to safety. [01:00:01] Speaker C: Same plan as before. I'm going to weave my way through the building and try to avoid any cameras or people. And once I get back to the bay door, I am going to obfuscate and take a leisurely stroll to my car. Quietly, of course. [01:00:20] Speaker A: All right, one thing after the other, then can we get a dexterity and larceny roll out of you? [01:00:27] Speaker C: Ah, there's the roles I have been expecting. That is a. [01:00:33] Speaker A: Four. Success is more than enough at this point. It's getting boring. This is routine. You slip left and right through hallways, past schmucks, out into the loading bay, and then it's only a matter of aroused check. That is all that is standing between you and your car. [01:00:52] Speaker C: That, unfortunately, is another failure. And I guess maybe it's the anticipation of getting all of those juice boxes that has my tummy rumbling. But despite that, I think I did fairly well tonight. [01:01:05] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, they say don't go shopping when you're hungry because you'll end up buying everything in the store. Maybe this is the kindred version of that. [01:01:13] Speaker C: Possibly, but I'm excited for everything to sort of resolve itself and for me to have a full storehouse of food. [01:01:23] Speaker A: No such thing as a permanent food supply. But if the heist goes according to your plan, you'll at least be set for a few months, barring catastrophe, back into the beetle, back onto the streets, and back into the night. Well, Ivy, whether or not you're happy about it. Schmendrick has departed with all urgency and it puts you in a somewhat unfortunate position. But, I mean, you can kind of understand why she had to go, right? [01:01:53] Speaker D: Oh, yeah. I understand hangry more than. Well, not more than most, but it's. [01:02:01] Speaker A: A fairly common emotion in the human world. And when you add a bit of vampire nonsense on top of that. Oh, no. Terrible situation to find yourself in. Not the only terrible situation to find yourself in, though I would be shocked on so many levels if part of your plan back when you were a human on, on any level involved having children, right? [01:02:25] Speaker D: Oh, yeah. That was never in the books. [01:02:29] Speaker A: And the same, I mean, generally stands true of you as a vampire, right? Siren's never crossed your mind? [01:02:36] Speaker D: No. And if it ever did, there's a very strict set of rules for my lineage and needless to say, alex does not fit those. [01:02:54] Speaker A: And yet. So tell me this, what kind of babysitter are you? [01:03:06] Speaker D: The kind that way overcharges to put kids to bed very, very early and then spend the rest of the night watching tv and being on my phone. [01:03:16] Speaker A: You think that's an option here? [01:03:19] Speaker D: Somehow I'm guessing no. [01:03:22] Speaker A: Then the scene evolves. Thus Schmendrick departs and you can hear the old engine of the beetle rattling to life, the squeal of tires on gravel as she does a little bit of a peel out, urgently departing towards tasks that she has to accomplish. You're alone now in the shipping container, Alex, having calmed down a small amount but still possessed of what I imagine you see as an excess of energy. Considering his new circumstances, Schmendrick doesn't get. [01:03:56] Speaker D: To be the only one who gets to complete her night of errands. I also had things on my list that needed to be accomplished and childa or no childa, I need to get them done. So if Schmendrick decides that she gets to go, then guess what? I also get to go. I just have to bring the baby with me. [01:04:19] Speaker A: You have a car seat cud? [01:04:22] Speaker D: No, but if I stick him in the back, I mean, he's definitely big enough. [01:04:27] Speaker A: I don't actually know how big a child has to be before you can't use a car seat. But, Alex, you're 511 6ft. [01:04:36] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm 511, but I like to say on my schminnder profile that I'm like six one. [01:04:43] Speaker A: Yeah, see, he's six one. I'm sure that exceeds the limit. I don't think you're going to get pulled over. [01:04:50] Speaker D: Yeah, thank goodness. [01:04:53] Speaker A: Well, you've convinced me of the plan. That means there's only one person left to bring on board, right? [01:05:02] Speaker D: Once I hear the car disappear in the distance, I turn around, clap my hands together. Okay, Alex, I've got some errands to run, and I can't really leave you alone, so you're going to come with me, okay? [01:05:22] Speaker B: Sure. Are these errands like grocery shopping? I can hear how stupid it sounds the minute it comes out of my mouth. [01:05:32] Speaker D: No. And for whatever it's worth, you don't ever have to worry about grocery shopping, because you really shouldn't eat human food again. Unless you really like vomiting. [01:05:46] Speaker B: Oh, man. I really liked eating burgers and going to lacos tacos for the double crazy cheesy dip. Now I can't. Actually, my figure would probably appreciate it if I stopped the fast food. [01:06:02] Speaker A: Got some bad news on that front. [01:06:04] Speaker D: So you would say that you're not happy with your current appearance. [01:06:12] Speaker B: Don't get me wrong, the muscle is pretty good. I just can't seem to shake off this beer gut. You know what I mean? The fast food isn't helping. Maybe my New Year's resolution. Get that six pack abs. Finally. [01:06:25] Speaker D: Well, this actually brings me to another really great point. You don't have to work out ever again because your body is frozen in time and space. [01:06:41] Speaker B: Are you telling me I'm just going to Paul Rudd like this forever? [01:06:46] Speaker D: Forever? I've looked like this since 1994. [01:06:52] Speaker B: I mean, you look great. [01:06:54] Speaker D: Thank you. I know. I'm very aware of that. [01:06:59] Speaker B: The hair is not going to grow. The beard's not going to grow. [01:07:03] Speaker D: No. [01:07:05] Speaker B: I'll never lose the spare tire. [01:07:09] Speaker D: No. There are some changes that you can make, but it takes a very long time and an awful lot of willpower to make that happen. And I don't just mean, like, watching the carbs. Willpower. Right. [01:07:24] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, I guess on the pride side, I can eat all of the ice cream I want and not worry about getting fatter. [01:07:30] Speaker D: No. But again, returning to the point before about the. [01:07:39] Speaker B: The. And then. Oh, that sucks. [01:07:45] Speaker A: There's one intermediate step that he missed in between the eating and the vomiting. Do you want to cover that, Ivy, or are you just going to let that slide? [01:07:54] Speaker D: He's had a lot, and I think just going into that detail, I feel like he already has a lot of questions. This might just be an extra one that we don't need to worry about right now. [01:08:06] Speaker A: You know what? Fair, good pedagogical thinking. [01:08:10] Speaker D: Yeah. So no food. Sorry, bud. [01:08:15] Speaker B: Okay. I'll do the blood thing. I guess that's what we're supposed to do, right? [01:08:23] Speaker D: Yeah, but not the backs. You don't have to do the bags. Please, dear God, don't do the bags. I cannot take another one of you. You didn't like that, right? Like, you weren't, like, super into that. [01:08:38] Speaker B: I mean, it wasn't. I really don't know. Look, I don't know. I have no frame of reference for any of this. [01:08:51] Speaker D: I've learned two things about Alex so far this evening. One, he has a Schminder profile. And two, he's kind of a fuckboy. So I think I've got a good way to explain this to him. Look, Alex, I know you don't have, like, a frame of reference or anything. Because this is all super new for you. But eating as a vampire is the closest thing that you will ever get to sex ever again. There's this feeling, this warm sort of rush that takes over your body, and it just feels. I slowly start walking up to him, placing my hand on his forearm, start swirling my finger around it. Have you ever been with a girl and you start having just, like, that really good connection, and I start dragging my finger across his bicep. And you just know that you're going to take her home. You can show her just how good things can be. I drag my hand down his chest. You get her back to your place. Put on Netflix. Because, of course, she sits next to you. I bring my hand back up his chest, start tracing his collarbone. You get real close. You can feel her breath on your neck. She can feel your little stubble on hers. She lets out a little. Do you know what that's like, Alex? [01:10:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:10:53] Speaker D: Did eating the juice box feel like. [01:10:58] Speaker B: No, not like that. [01:11:01] Speaker D: I take a step back, then, no, you didn't really eat. And that's actually a very, very good thing. Because that's what it should feel like for you. And for whoever you're eating, if I'm being honest. [01:11:18] Speaker B: Okay, cool. Yeah, I don't think it was like I can feel so many new thoughts and ideas racing through my head, as well as a slowly growing surge of adrenaline. So I guess I need to see who's the right feeding partner for me. Someone special out there. And I'm going to eat them. [01:11:53] Speaker D: Yeah, we'll get to all that later. There's, like, a whole thing dawns on me. I need to see if Schmendric has a shirt that's gonna fit you. Because you probably shouldn't go out with me looking like that. [01:12:17] Speaker A: That is a good call and Schmendrick, I would like to know, first of all, let's set aside the question of the size of the shirt. Do you have anything that would be Scott appropriate? [01:12:31] Speaker C: Absolutely. I have a grand collection of oversized hoodies. [01:12:36] Speaker A: So Ivy is going to reach into your closet. She'll do some picking around, I'm assuming. But the selection is going to be variations on a theme, right, Schmendric, you have a mood. You have a vibe. What is the hoodie that Ivy pulls out and hands to Alex? [01:12:56] Speaker C: One of the first things, or rather, the largest thing that could probably fit Alex quite nicely, is a screen printed, larger than life character from the old tv series my small horses. There's rainbows and flowers and all sorts of magic plastered all over this. [01:13:21] Speaker A: Well, there you go, Alex. That's what Ivy hands to you. [01:13:26] Speaker B: I look at the sweater with this cartoon character, and having dated a little younger than I'd like to admit, I recognize the character, and I can't help but catching myself from out loud just exclaiming, oh, hey, fruity cakes. I love this one. She's adorable. She goes on adventures with her brother. This is great. I mean, if I had been there. [01:13:53] Speaker C: To hear him say, ohay, fruity cakes, we would have just become friends for life. But unfortunately, I'm out of the building for a moment. [01:14:02] Speaker A: I'm sure Alex will find the occasion to mention it to you in the future. [01:14:05] Speaker B: I immediately look to Ivy, feeling shame and embarrassment for knowing this character, and I feel the need to explain, okay, so I dated a girl. She was in college. All legal, right? It's all good. She was really into this. She tried to get me into it. I really didn't start liking it until, like, season three, when they started going on with the. The goat of discord. You know, I'm talking about. It doesn't matter. The point is, I'm gonna put this on, right? Because I. I look like a walking crime scene, and I should not do that. [01:14:40] Speaker D: Yes, absolutely. You should not look like a walking crime scene. [01:14:44] Speaker B: Right? Because I got stabbed with a steak like some fucking movie. [01:14:55] Speaker D: I mean, and everything else. And I gesture. [01:15:00] Speaker B: I nod. Yeah. Could you turn around? Can I turn around, please? I got it. [01:15:07] Speaker D: Really? [01:15:10] Speaker B: Look, you're cute, but I just met you, and I don't. I don't know. Okay, I just. I'll just. I mean, fine. [01:15:16] Speaker D: I mean, if you. If you. It's fine. No, it's fine if you. I want you to be comfortable, and I will turn around very, very animated and just make a big show of turning around and putting my hands on my hips, one hand across my eyes. I'm not looking. You can change now. [01:15:38] Speaker B: I chuckle to myself as I take off the layer. And I say, as I struggle to get my head through this sweater, sorry, it's indecent. You're a lady and I'm a gross guy. We're not dating, and it's impolite. [01:15:59] Speaker C: Sure. [01:16:01] Speaker B: Thank you for understanding. It's on. I'm wearing this great hoodie, and now I am decent, I guess. [01:16:13] Speaker D: Fantastic. And I spin back around and just take the whole look in scale from one to ten. Him or the outfit? [01:16:27] Speaker A: Whole package. [01:16:28] Speaker D: Oh, whole package. I guess I've seen worse. Seven. [01:16:37] Speaker A: All Right. [01:16:38] Speaker D: The sweater for me brings it down a little bit, but whatever, it's fine. [01:16:43] Speaker B: Okay. [01:16:44] Speaker A: You're not going to be embarrassed to have him in the car with you. [01:16:49] Speaker D: Right? I had to be seen out in public with him. Maybe this was a bad sweater choice. I picked it because I thought it was funny. But now maybe I'm regretting that there. [01:16:59] Speaker A: Were much worse options in there. You saw them. [01:17:02] Speaker D: I know. I mean, at what point do I just go see if Bob has something for him? [01:17:08] Speaker A: Well, if nothing else, you have the entire drive to think of an excuse or a story that you can tell your friends if you run into them on the way. [01:17:15] Speaker D: Oh, God, I hope nobody I know sees me at the bookstore. I smile a little bit, reach over, pat him on the shoulder. Okay, fruity cakes, let's go. [01:17:28] Speaker B: Oh, boy. I am never going to live that down, am I? [01:17:31] Speaker D: Oh, God, no. Not even a little bit. For the rest of your unlife. [01:17:37] Speaker B: How long is the unlife again? [01:17:40] Speaker D: Depends on how long it takes you to get dusted. [01:17:43] Speaker B: Yay. We got to get a book, right? You said something about a book? [01:17:49] Speaker D: Yes. I have a book to get. Yes. [01:17:53] Speaker B: All right, lead the way. If you want to. I can drive. [01:17:56] Speaker D: I'm not going to let you drive my car. [01:17:59] Speaker B: Why? What do you drive? [01:18:02] Speaker D: Probably nicer than you. [01:18:05] Speaker B: No. First of all, for sure, look at me and look at you. Okay. I'm wearing a fruity cakes hoodie. You look like you stepped out of a wolf of Wall street spin off. So what are you driving like, a beamer? You driving like a roadie? [01:18:19] Speaker D: Yes. [01:18:20] Speaker B: You drive a beamer? [01:18:22] Speaker D: Yeah. [01:18:23] Speaker B: What model? [01:18:25] Speaker D: You really? [01:18:27] Speaker B: You gotta let me drive it. Oh, that's so boss. You gotta let me drive, like, just. [01:18:31] Speaker D: One time I just met you, sir. It would be impolite. Maybe around the same time you feel comfortable letting me see you with your shirt off, is about the same time I'll let you drive my car. [01:18:45] Speaker B: Okay. One, I am not trying to imply anything with your honor in this case. So I don't want, as the responsible party was shirtless, I protected you from implication number two, if you want me to drive shirtless, we can just do two birds with 1 st. And three. [01:19:07] Speaker C: Come on. [01:19:07] Speaker B: It looks like such a cool car. Come on. I feel like I'm friggin nightman getting out of that thing. [01:19:13] Speaker D: You'll drive it eventually. Maybe. Just come on. Let's go. I hop in the driver's seat. [01:19:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:19:22] Speaker B: I nod and I do as I'm. [01:19:24] Speaker A: Told, and I follow to the car then, which, in addition to being a very expensive, well kept Beamer, is also immaculate on the interior. As if there were any doubt. Vampires don't need money for much in this world. But the cash that ivy does accumulate, no doubt some has been spent detailing this vehicle quite frequently. [01:19:46] Speaker D: I mean, it's a fairly new car. I have to keep it spotless. [01:19:51] Speaker A: And so we depart. Big Bob's big storage is in a very industrial part of the city near Goose island. But Chicago has a way of transitioning street by street into new and exciting places. And it's not long before the sodium orange of street lights gives way to the brighter white of more populated, more gentrified areas. It's going to take you 15 or 20 minutes at this time of night to get where you're going. And I've never known ivy to be the type to sit silently, not when her thoughts are racing. So I have two questions. One, which of you is the first to break the silence? And two, what do you say? [01:20:36] Speaker B: With confusion and so much left unsaid building up in me, I feel this anxiety, and I think I need to just say something in this moment. With that, I look to Ivy and I say, so you're like my mentor, right? You're going to show me the vampire ropes. [01:21:04] Speaker D: Well, I don't know about that. I'm here to make sure that you don't get killed ahead of meeting the person who will decide whether you get to continue living or whether you die. And then after that, who knows? [01:21:24] Speaker A: Good. [01:21:24] Speaker B: Okay, so there's a whole vetting process. That's cool. Who's the person that's going to decide if I live or die? The Prince of England. [01:21:36] Speaker D: Alex, why would the Prince of England have anything to do with Chicago? Have anything to do with you in. [01:21:49] Speaker B: Okay, okay, hold on. So that's where we're going to draw this line. I can get stabbed in the chest and be fine. I have to find out that eating is basically as hot as fucking and also makes my ribs pop back into place. I found Batgirl and vomi mommy over here yelling at me. But the Prince of England, apparently having some say in Chicago is out of order. How is that the line in the sand here? Okay. I'm finding out that I'm gonna live forever or not, and it's all because, first of all, the musician's dead. So if it ain't him, it's probably Harry. And I'm very confused, and I'm a little angry right now. [01:22:39] Speaker D: There's a nice long pause. Do you feel better? Did you get it all out of your system? [01:22:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:22:48] Speaker D: Okay, so princes rule over cities. So there is a prince of Chicago who rules over Chicago. But because England is a country, there wouldn't be a vampire prince of England. Though there is a vampire prince of London, which is currently Lady Anne Bosley. But it's a city thing, so. Yeah, excuse me for thinking that you're silly for thinking that the Prince of England would have anything to do with Chicago. I get that you're new to this, but come. [01:23:31] Speaker B: Okay, I'm really trying to come on. But it's a lot like there's violent regional managers now I have to be aware of. I thought I didn't have to work for a corporation anymore. Now it's just getting more corporate. [01:23:45] Speaker D: Okay, in fairness, did not say you didn't have to work for a corporation. I just said that you didn't have to go to that job anymore. Being a vampire isn't really corporate so much as it is futile. [01:24:02] Speaker B: Sometimes to people at the bottom of the system, they all feel the same. [01:24:05] Speaker D: I shake my head. I wouldn't know. [01:24:11] Speaker B: I don't know why, but for some reason, I can feel this new sensation of wanting to challenge authority. But at the same time, I can't help but fall in love with this hand stitched, leather crafted seat that my hindquarters are being gripped in lovingly by whoever invented this beautiful, beautiful car. [01:24:32] Speaker A: You sure he's not a venture when. [01:24:34] Speaker D: He describes the car like that? [01:24:36] Speaker B: No. [01:24:37] Speaker D: Let's make this a teachable moment. Look, Alex, I get this is a lot. I understand. Would a little music make you feel better? Do you want to pick the radio station? I gestured to the touch Screen inside the. [01:24:55] Speaker B: Okay. Uh, sure. I like. I like this one right here. [01:25:01] Speaker A: Well, that's interesting. You can poke at it all you want, Alex. Nothing's happening. [01:25:07] Speaker B: Okay, so I can see my hand touching it. [01:25:11] Speaker A: Nothing. [01:25:11] Speaker B: Seems to be me. Let me just wipe my hands. Maybe I'm just kind of greasy and it's not having the. Okay, now this is getting really weird. I think might be broken. Ivy, I think your touchscreen is broken. [01:25:27] Speaker D: I reach my hand out towards the touch screen and rouse the blood to activate blush of life. [01:25:34] Speaker A: Make that check for me. [01:25:35] Speaker D: It's a success. [01:25:38] Speaker A: Alex, you would never be able to know the lighting, for one, but also, at this point, you don't know what to look for. But if you had been, you would notice the fullness that comes into her skin, how it transitions from something cold and corpse like into something more appropriately human, warm, supple, alive. And Ivy presses her finger against the touchscreen, and music fills the car. [01:26:07] Speaker D: Seems fine to me. [01:26:10] Speaker B: Okay, so you have, like, some sort of id lock on your touch screen, right. Also, did you change some lighting in the car? Because you look like. And I say this without flirtation, you look radiant. What just happened here? [01:26:27] Speaker D: What just happened here is a very important lesson in hiding the fact that you're a vampire. You're dead, right? We're both dead. Your skin is dead and dry. Your hair won't get oily ever again. You don't have spit. You don't have mucus. You have nothing in your body that would suggest that you are anything but dead. [01:26:57] Speaker B: Oh, my brain. I can feel my brain starting to reel. Now, with this information, I begin cataloging all these little things I started taking for granted with my own form, and it becomes heavy. It becomes apparent on my face, just the total submission of the effort that's going to go into minutiae for the rest of my eternity. Okay, so I got to start getting handwormers and lotion and hair products, I guess. [01:27:33] Speaker D: Okay, well, I mean, lotion is just a good idea generally, but there's a thing that we can do to kind of fake it. I'm sure you're familiar with people faking it with you all the time, but in this sense, it's actually going to be you. [01:27:52] Speaker B: Okay, rude. You don't know my life. All right, moving on. Right. I need to learn how to fake it. Yeah. Okay. Got it. [01:28:01] Speaker D: Right. So somebody at one point referred to it as the blush of life, and it just kind of stuck. I don't know how it works for everybody. For me, I just kind of will the vita inside my body to move to where it needs to. It may be the same for you, it may be a little different, but I just kind of tell the vida that I need it to go the places that it needs to go to make it seem like human. [01:28:39] Speaker B: Okay, well, I'm going to try that now, if you don't mind, in your car. Go, magic vita. Go, vita. [01:28:51] Speaker C: You don't have to say the words. [01:28:55] Speaker B: Do I have to think it? [01:28:56] Speaker D: Usually, yeah. I mean, that's what I do. I think about it quietly inside my head and just force my body to do things. [01:29:09] Speaker B: I move my hands to the dashboard of your vehicle, and I gently grip the dashboard, and I begin to start to focus all of my mind, my will, and I start focusing my muscle fibers as I twist and contract with my arms through to my hands. I'm trying to just flood my now dead limbs with blood, like they would back when I was a living man and I would lift weights. I'm trying to get that sort of movement again, and with that, I tried to push all my will into my grip. [01:29:46] Speaker A: Alex, will you make a rouse check for me? [01:29:48] Speaker B: And success. [01:29:50] Speaker A: It's not that it doesn't require effort. You become aware immediately of the intentionality of the experience. This is not something you could ever do by accident. And you're also keenly aware of it, of it being a facsimile. You can feel the warmth breading into your fingertips, and you can feel a certain lightness coming into your head. You feel the blood in your veins, but you're acutely aware of it. Yes, in the sense that if you charge up some stairs and you get your heart rate just a little higher than it normally is and you start to feel maybe that twitch in your neck as your heart starts to work, it's that feeling, but somehow in the third person, because, you know it's your body, but it's not. It's your blood, but it. It isn't. There's a barrier between your experience and the actual humanity on display, like you're putting on a costume. But despite that lingering weirdness, and I'm told that goes away over time, you can immediately sense the results. That's going to be jarring. You haven't had a lot of time to consider biologically what has happened to you right now, but you never notice that your mouth is dry until you think about it, right? You don't notice your tongue until you think about it being in your mouth or when someone says, oh, by the way. And now you're manually breathing, and you draw specific attention to the way that your chest rises and falls. There's a lot of things about normal human life that you've been taking for granted, and their absence had kind of skirted your attention until drawing attention to it right. Now. On the bright side, the stereo works. [01:31:46] Speaker B: I lean back, becoming aware of this metacognizant existence. And as I lean back, I just stare into my hands with the same self revelation as a child learning what fingers do. So I got to do this every time I want to do human people shit? Like, I want to, I don't know, go on a date or I want to go see a movie or something. I'm going to have to do something like this, right? [01:32:18] Speaker D: I mean, I guess it depends. Most people in this city don't really look at you twice. If you're a little pale, they just kind of ignore it. But touch screens? Yeah. And the thermal cameras. And I just kind of trail off. [01:32:39] Speaker B: My eyes go wide in shock. Those are a thing? I just thought there was, like, motion detection kind of cameras. [01:32:48] Speaker D: No, there are entire government agencies. So, you know, hash Benderick was saying that there are people out there who hunt us. It's not just like your doomsday preppers or people who read way too many comic books. There's also, like, an entire government organization that's like, entire purpose is to kind of squash us out and it's a whole thing. [01:33:12] Speaker B: Okay, I need to backtrack because you're telling me neo in the matrix inside the metal box with the nine computers is aware that the feds are after us, too? [01:33:21] Speaker D: Yes. [01:33:23] Speaker B: I'm a criminal now. How this happened. I worked so hard to never break the law and now I'm a criminal. [01:33:30] Speaker D: You're only a criminal if not having a heartbeat and taking people's blood with their permission is a crime. And I, for one, don't think it's a crime. But, you know, that's. It's not like it's like the entire FBI. It's like Mulder and a handful of other people in a basement with some cameras and it's not a big deal. I mean, it is, but it's not okay. [01:34:02] Speaker B: I don't know why thinking that 13 psychopaths of the bureau makes it better. Kind of does, though. You know what? I'm just going to take some time to process all this information and ask about the book that we're here to get because I am overstimulated. [01:34:22] Speaker D: Oh, Alex, if you think you're overstimulated. Now, adding on advanced occult theology is probably not going to help the situation. So let's change the topic. Tell me about you. I know a little bit about how you came to be here, but I don't know anything about you. [01:34:51] Speaker B: Okay, well, I'm a pretty normal guy, I think. I like going out with my buds, get the squad together and we go out and we go watch the local fight. Man, we used to love cage fighting. And we'll go out and watch the cage fightings at a local bar, this place in the quarter, this absolute dive called Mickey's. And we'd go there to watch and we would just drink so many beers, they would have nickel shot nights. And I can't do that. [01:35:32] Speaker D: Not unless you like the taste of ash in your mouth. No. [01:35:38] Speaker B: So when I would go with my friends and drink and get drunk and be silly, I can't feel that anymore, can I? [01:35:47] Speaker D: No, you absolutely can. You just have to drink the blood of somebody who already is. [01:35:55] Speaker B: But I can't go with my friends. I can't drink with them, and I can't order bar food like nachos. Oh, God, Mickey's had the worst nachos, but they were so greasy and cheap and I can't do those things. I can't enjoy those things anymore because I'm dead. I'm a vampire. And being a vampire out and about puts a giant target on your back. Because according to you, Miss Ivy, there's a bunch of feds and princes and psychopaths that want to kill me. And I gotta lie to them, gotta lie to my friends. I gotta eat people, bags of people to live forever. And I can't even find the joy and the mundane that was my life. And I'm going to do this forever. Right? [01:36:57] Speaker D: Yeah. But it's not all bad. I know it sounds like a lot of bad right now, but there's also a lot of really good stuff that comes with this condition too. [01:37:15] Speaker B: Like what? I can turn into a fucking bat? Actually, that would be kind of cool. [01:37:20] Speaker D: Well, some of us can. Yeah, I don't know if you can. I can't. Schmendrick can't. But maybe you can. [01:37:31] Speaker B: Okay. Because that's cool. So I could turn to a bat and maybe. I could maybe turn into a bat and maybe fly. Okay, that's kind of fun. [01:37:43] Speaker D: I mean, you ripped that car door off of its hinges like it was nothing. Like you were opening a can of. Right. That. That was really. [01:37:56] Speaker B: Oh, that was. [01:37:57] Speaker D: You made Josh so unhappy when you did that. But it was really cool to watch. Felt good, didn't it? [01:38:07] Speaker B: Yeah, I just assumed the moment. The adrenaline was overtaking me. But I maybe have super strength. Oh, my God. [01:38:21] Speaker D: Some vampires can run really fast. Like blink of an eye up a building fast. And some of us can control blood and make magic happen with it. Or you could maybe erase people's memories or. There's a lot of really great stuff. [01:38:49] Speaker B: Ivy, do you know. I mean, have you been listening to anything we've just been saying? I have a terrible weakness to sun and fire. I have evil world bending organizations chasing me down. I have to lie to my friends about who I am. I have this whole secret agenda and false identity. I have a mentor who drives this bitchin'car. And I have these strength things that I can do. Ivy. I'm a fucking superhero, man. This is so cool. [01:39:28] Speaker D: This is not how I saw this conversation going at all. [01:39:35] Speaker B: I need a cape. No, no capes. [01:39:37] Speaker D: Capes are bad fashion statement. [01:39:40] Speaker B: They just get stuck. Oh, my God. This is so cool. I want to get some gadgets. I'm going to get a mask. Oh, I've always wanted. Oh, my God. You have no idea how many box this just checked. Like, all of them. I'm going to rip so many doors off cars. [01:40:00] Speaker D: So I am pleasantly surprised by this sudden shift in attitude. There's just one very important rule which ties into this whole superhero thing, right. I'm not a big superhero fan, but I know enough to know that Superman can't be Superman all the time. Superman has to be Clark Kent most of the time. Right? And he can only be Superman in very specific instances. Right? [01:40:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Secret identity. Yeah, absolutely. [01:40:37] Speaker D: Exactly. So here's the thing. You can't go just ripping car doors off of the cars or opening up front doors by tearing a door off or by lifting cars up above your head and throwing them down the street, because that lets everybody know that you're a vampire. And the number one most important rule about life as a vampire is you can't let anybody know that you're a vampire. [01:41:08] Speaker B: Okay, got it. I will be very sneaky. Oh, this could be so much fun. Oh, my God. I'd be like a ninja turtle. Oh, man. I could move in the darkness and beat up bad guys at night and make sure no one sees me, which is probably a good thing, because if the sun comes up, I'm dead, right? So I don't want to have anyone see me anyway, so no one getting caught. Don't be there when the sun rises up. And that's okay, because then I could just turn to a bat and I can fly away, which is a thing I could do, maybe. Can I turn to a bat? I do the bat thing. [01:41:52] Speaker D: I don't know. I don't know if you can turn into a bat, but you can try. Remember how we just did the blush of life thing? Okay, so try and channel that energy, like, whatever you did to make that happen. Kind of get back to that place and see if you can turn into a bat. And I just ask that if you can turn into a bat, please don't fly in my face because I'm driving at a very high speed right now. [01:42:22] Speaker B: Got it. Okay. No bat in the face. Oh, come on, Alex, you can do this. Think about the Batman. Go. Go. Magic bat form. [01:42:35] Speaker A: Oh, Buddy. Alex, I got some bad news. [01:42:40] Speaker B: I think I'm going to have to start making the realization that I don't turn into a bat. That's not a thing that I can do, I guess. [01:42:52] Speaker D: But you know what? We can find somebody who can turn into a bat and they could teach you. It could be a thing that you could do. So you know what? That's a goal for you, buddy. Like, you have all the time, all the nighttime in the world, to learn how to do anything that you've wanted to do, including turn into a bat. You have a goal. And if you think that's cool, wait until you hear about compound interest. [01:43:29] Speaker B: Ivy, I just met you, but I think I deeply feel like if I ever need someone to co sign a loan, I need to get you on the phone really fast because I don't know anything about finance. [01:43:41] Speaker D: How do I tell him that I don't co sign loans for anybody on principal? [01:43:47] Speaker A: I think I would just duck that question. [01:43:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:43:49] Speaker D: Okay. Got it. [01:43:51] Speaker A: Maybe you can just imagine, like, a savings account, but forever. And Snoky has bills, right? Go back to the good stuff. He was liking the good stuff. [01:43:59] Speaker D: Right? Well, you don't need a loan because imagine having a savings account, but forever, and you don't really have bills because you don't have to eat, ever. Grocery bills, not a thing. I mean, I guess utility bills, but grocery bills, not a thing. You don't have to worry about health insurance. [01:44:28] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah, no, I see you're getting on. That's going to make things a lot more affordable. Just. Just rent and utilities mostly. Just like humans do. [01:44:40] Speaker D: Yeah, the rent thing. [01:44:44] Speaker B: Yeah. And rent in Chicago isn't very low. [01:44:48] Speaker D: I wouldn't know anything about. [01:44:52] Speaker B: No, no, you wouldn't, Miss Beamer. [01:44:54] Speaker D: Oh, I just. I haven't paid rent in a very long time. [01:44:58] Speaker B: How do you not pay rent? [01:45:01] Speaker D: So, as a vampire, eventually you get to the point where money just isn't a problem because you just kind of own things. Maybe you opened a savings account back in 1994. But here's the thing. Vampires have been around for a very, very long time. So instead of 1994, imagine if that savings account had been opened in 1494 and that savings account belonged to your vampire mentor and your mentor let you have some of that money. That's kind of what it's like. So now, alongside four servants, I live in a manner that my mentor gave me. [01:45:42] Speaker B: Okay, so, like inherited wealth gained from being a member of a family of conquerors and you're just living off the spoils. [01:45:53] Speaker D: Okay, there's no need to get a little all colonial about it, but, yeah, basically, yes. [01:46:02] Speaker B: Sorry, I don't know where that came from. I normally don't care about conquering. I just want to be cool enough to maybe get a girl's number, but also back up. You live in a manor with four butlers? [01:46:13] Speaker D: Not butlers. [01:46:15] Speaker B: Okay, they're not. What are they? [01:46:18] Speaker D: Okay, well, one of them kind of is, but the others are more like research assistants. [01:46:26] Speaker B: Oh, cool. You're a scientist. Cool. So back to the superhero scientist. We have a manor and. No. What are they researching? [01:46:36] Speaker D: Blood magic. [01:46:39] Speaker B: Blood magic? Magic and blood. I don't think I've ever heard those two words used in the same sentence, except for this time I got a nosebleed at a kid's birthday party. And the magician, how does that work exactly? [01:47:00] Speaker D: Is there anybody at this stoplight? [01:47:04] Speaker A: Look left, look right. No, I think you're in the clear. [01:47:07] Speaker D: Noticing that there's nobody there, I take my hands off the steering wheel, take one of my nails, and just slice down the inner part of my right forearm, closest to Alex. Blood magic is, I mean, what it says on the tin. And I begin gesturing with my fingers over the open cut in my arm, almost beckoning. And as I continue to do this and pull my hand farther and farther away, just this little trail of red vita begins to chase after my fingertips like I'm charming a snake. [01:47:44] Speaker B: I look at the red crimson Vade just coming out of you and moving like a snake being charmed. My eyes go wide. This is probably the 13th thing that's happened today that I have never, ever been prepared for. And the only thoughts that I can verbalize because I have to say something to get the shock out of my brain. Holy fucking ass crackers. What is that? What? You can do that? How are you not a superhero? We could be nightman and blood lady. [01:48:28] Speaker D: We need to come up with a better name. [01:48:30] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:48:30] Speaker D: Not happy with blood lady. [01:48:33] Speaker B: I don't know. Scarlet, Crimson. I don't know. We could be superheroes. We could fight crime. This could be so cool. And you have a manor, and you have four research assistants. You have an awesome car. We are the night. Oh, my God. Also, that is trippy as fuck. But I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I'm on fire. [01:48:59] Speaker D: It only gets more interesting from here, my friend. [01:49:04] Speaker A: Is about this time that you are approaching your destination. I'm assuming you don't need Scott to go inside, right? [01:49:11] Speaker D: No, I gave him a change of clothes so anybody walking by wouldn't think that I was transporting a dead body. But no, I'm just going to pop into the store real fast and get what I need and come back. Okay, Alex, I have business in there, but I won't be long. You can just hang out here and think about that superhero name some more. Yeah. [01:49:37] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, totally. I'm already thinking of, like, the midnight Justice Society or something. I don't know. It's going to be so cool. [01:49:45] Speaker D: Great. I can't wait to hear what you've come up with. When I come back and I hop out of the car, I'll leave the keys in it. I trust that he's not going to go anywhere with it. [01:49:57] Speaker A: So Ivy departs for the occult bookstore, leaving Alex inside the car by himself. This is really the first moment you've had to yourself. Got a lot of thoughts in your head. How's it going in there, kid? [01:50:11] Speaker B: My mind is a circus of bright lights and scary clown makeup. And one side, everything is an adventure of possibilities that have yet to be remotely explored. And the other side is just a grim macabre unknowable that terrifies me. Like a child, I try to reach up for a hand. Maybe that's why I've been so excited to make Ivy my superhero partner. But I know, really, that there probably won't be a hand for me to grab and I'm just stuck at a circus. [01:50:57] Speaker A: No, I'm sorry to say that isolation is pretty core to the kindred experience. It's great to be exciting, and I'm sure you didn't recognize it at the time, but perhaps in the future, when you reflect back on this moment, you will realize it wasn't just you. Excited about all the possibilities that your newfound powers bring. Because there is that animal inside of you. The beast. And when your thoughts turn to feeding, or your thoughts turn to flexing these powers to lord over lesser creatures, you can feel it smiling behind your ribcage. Feel free to be excited, Alex. This is an incredible thing that has happened to you. But you will remember, whether you want to or not, as the nights stack up that you are a predator, the apex predator, a solitary, territorial hunter. You got a little sniff of that on Schmendric, the nicest one you've met so far, and even she was bending to the whim of the creature when it came to blood. You have some good nights ahead of you, though. Most vampires, they get a few nights before the horror sets in. So I want you to lavish in the power, and I want you to really spend some time enjoying all the possibilities. Because when that other shoe finally drops, you're going to want to have as many good thoughts as possible to fall back on. In a few moments, Ivy will return from the bookstore, a hefty, weighty Tome in hand. There's been a lot of education happening, and as the conversation drifts, perhaps into small talk, or who knows? By the end of it, maybe you will have settled on that superhero name. You have to return him to Big Bob's big storage. Josh gave very specific instructions, and you're already on the wrong side of the prince. You don't want to complicate it anymore. And in the nights to come, Alex's fate will be decided. Schmendric Ivy, despite the best of your efforts, you're going to have some influence in that department. So I wonder how much responsibility our nosferatu friend and our tremere friend are willing to take on. I wonder how long it'll take Alex to make the transition from excited child to grizzled veteran of kindred society. And I'm excited to know how the three of you negotiate those challenges together in the nights to come. But time is a fickle thing. The sun will soon rise, and there are always other obligations tugging at your shoulders. So what will come of Alex and the coterie? That's a story for another night. You've been listening to the all night Society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queen's Court games. If you enjoyed your stay, be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast app for more content, including exclusive art and audio. Follow us on Facebook or Instagram at Queenscorp Games or on Twitter at Queenscorp Rpg.