Episode 19 - Summoned (April Fools)

[00:00:00] Speaker A: You're listening to the all night society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queens court games. Night falls over the streets of Chicago, and one by one, the kindred who called this city home begin disturbed from their respective slumbers. It's not an entirely uncommon feeling that during the day's sleep, your lair has been somehow disturbed, although I doubt that ever makes it any less unsettling. Tonight, at least, that lingering dread leads to nothing more dangerous than a folded letter, perhaps found adjacent in your bed, perhaps handed to you by an attentive servant. And for once, this missive does not come from the prince. I wish to make good on the boons owed to me. 1 hour after sunset, you will meet me at the following address. Park in the alley behind the house. Use the back entrance. Rather to the point, yes, but a summons with the audacity to be so direct surely requires your attention, no? So I'm curious, what are your thoughts on the situation as you begin the drive to this middle class house in this middle class neighborhood? Ivy, what's ricocheting around your head as you pull into the alley and prepare yourself for what lurks ahead? [00:01:57] Speaker B: Pulling into the alley, there's this eerie quiet in the car. I've been racking my brain trying to solve this puzzle since before I picked Josh up, so I never even turned the radio on. And if Josh knows anything, he hasn't shared any of it with me. So as I park the car and neither of us jump up to leave, I turn to him. All right, dude, look, I wasn't gonna ask because I figured you would have told me if you knew. What the hell is this? I don't know what we're doing here. I don't know what boons are being cashed in right now, because I know who I owe favors to, and Annabelle would not have me meet her here. [00:02:43] Speaker C: I have been sitting in the passenger seat with a furrowed brow and a thinking gaze into space pretty much the whole ride. As Ivy speaks to me, I glance at her and then continue just staring at the windshield. I don't know what to think about this. I don't owe favors to anybody. And yet, here we are. [00:03:10] Speaker B: Well, great. That's just great. We're about to walk into a situation directed here by somebody unbeknownst to us, that we apparently both owe favors to. Great. There's no way that this could possibly be a trap. [00:03:27] Speaker A: Well, hey, look at the bright side. If there were anyone you were going to wander into a trap with in this city, I'm sure Josh is at the top of your draft, right? [00:03:36] Speaker B: Yeah, I guess. Yeah. [00:03:39] Speaker A: I mean, pound for pound, the man can solve problems. [00:03:43] Speaker B: Yes, there are definitely worse people to be tied up in this with. [00:03:47] Speaker C: As Ivy finishes her statement, I unholster my handgun, check the magazine, do a press check, make sure there's one in the pipe, re holster it. Draw my jacket over it. Well, you or me first. [00:04:03] Speaker B: Oh, you. Obviously. I don't lead the charge here. You're the one with the pistol. [00:04:10] Speaker C: I was rather hoping you'd say that. [00:04:12] Speaker A: So what are you thinking, Josh? Nice little crack open the door and peek. Full blower. Kick it down. Hands in the air. [00:04:20] Speaker C: I can only assume we were spotted as soon as we came within three to four blocks of this place. So there's no reason to peek, there's no reason to assume anything that I'm going to open the door to a twelve gauge in my face. So as soon as the car door is open, I don't sprint up. But with some alacrity I stride up to the building, throw open the door and bring my handgun to bear. [00:04:49] Speaker D: Whoa, Josh, calm down. Who is it, budy? [00:04:53] Speaker C: Who is it? [00:04:54] Speaker D: It's me. It's fucking Schmendrick. Put the gun down. [00:04:59] Speaker C: Who has you captured? [00:05:01] Speaker D: No one has us captured. Come inside, you freaking. Don't let the neighbors hear you. [00:05:08] Speaker B: What the fuck is going on right now? [00:05:11] Speaker A: Well, you've certainly startled everyone in the room. There are two people sitting at a large dining table. One happens to be your friend Schmendrick. The other you'd recognize as Alexander Scott. [00:05:26] Speaker C: I I'm honestly unsure what to do. I don't think I've even put the gun down all the way. This is just so against everything I could have expected. [00:05:37] Speaker A: Schmendric, look, I've checked out the play. Holy shit. Okay, Hound's here. Fuck. Mr. Sir Hound. Whatever they see blue doing, I had nothing to do with it. This is definitely not my house. But I was here before they got here. After they got here. Which of those things makes me look less guilty, sir? [00:05:56] Speaker B: I drop my arms to my side and tilt my head backwards, rolling my eyes as I do so. Of course Charles is here. Of course. [00:06:07] Speaker A: Oh, hey, it's the cute one. Schmendy, you didn't tell me she was. [00:06:13] Speaker D: Oh, well, she's here and I think we're going to have a whole lot of fun tonight. And at this point I'm going to start bringing out miniatures from underneath the table and setting them kind of off to the side. I seem to be a little bit busy right now. [00:06:27] Speaker B: Fun. Hold on. And I just hold up my hands and start shaking them. What exactly is going on here? Did you write the letter? [00:06:45] Speaker D: Yeah. I'm cashing in my boons that you all owe me. [00:06:49] Speaker C: Since when do I owe you a boon? [00:06:53] Speaker D: Since I fixed your phone that one time. Josh, come inside. [00:06:59] Speaker B: What are we doing? [00:07:02] Speaker C: I do want to argue a fixed phone is not worth a boon. But I can see fairly plainly there is not much point in it. [00:07:12] Speaker E: It's going to be fine. Guys, look. We're playing a game. It's symmetric. What'd you call it? Dangers and dungeons or something? Dragons and doomslayers. The hell was it? [00:07:24] Speaker D: Dragons and death binders. [00:07:27] Speaker B: Actually, dragons and death binder. What is that? [00:07:34] Speaker C: That satanist game? [00:07:36] Speaker D: What is this nerd shit? A lot of hate all coming at once at me right now. [00:07:44] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm sorry. Excuse me for being very surprised and taken aback when I get a letter of all. Like, you send me 47 memes a day on average, and I'm supposed to just be okay when you sneak into my fucking manor and put a letter on my bedside table and just not be shocked that it's you and then it turns out to be nerd shit? [00:08:14] Speaker C: No, seriously, isn't this a satanist game? [00:08:17] Speaker E: Hey, have you not seen all the new superhero movies coming out? And that one show hyperdice or some crap? Like, look, nerd shit is the hot shit and all the hot shit is the nerd shit. Get with the program. Guys, come on. [00:08:32] Speaker B: I'm sorry. When do I have time to go to the movies? [00:08:37] Speaker A: Alex, come on, relax, Ivy. Don't you get those perfect perky tits all twisted? Have a seat. [00:08:43] Speaker C: Can somebody tell me if this fucking thing is satanist already? [00:08:46] Speaker D: It's not satanist, Josh. Besides, nerd shit is the hot shit. You've heard it fresh out of the mouth of babes. [00:08:52] Speaker B: Just because he's a baby, I don't think you. [00:08:57] Speaker E: Whatever, Ivy. [00:08:59] Speaker A: Are we bulletproof? [00:09:00] Speaker E: That'd be really cool if we were bulletproof. [00:09:04] Speaker B: I'll go into the specifics later, but, I mean, they don't hurt as much as they would have before. No, we're not bulletproof. Oh, not exactly. [00:09:14] Speaker E: Thank you. Good to know. Now I reach into my pocket and pull out a phone. I open up the notes app where it says superhero powers and names. And I put sort of not bulletproof. After leaving the note on my phone, I put it away. Okay. Holy shit. I almost got shot again. Yay, that. [00:09:35] Speaker A: Don't worry, kid. Happens to the best of us. By the way Charles and I thrust my hand uncomfortably close to you. This just gnarled, twisted like the roots of a tree. Fingertips with just the filthiest nails you've ever seen. [00:09:50] Speaker C: I finally have the presence of mind to reholster my handgun. Alex. Good to see you again, Charles. A little bit less so now. [00:10:06] Speaker A: Come on, buddy. We've had good times, haven't we? [00:10:09] Speaker C: Name one. [00:10:11] Speaker A: Name is the shit. [00:10:16] Speaker D: Well, luckily, we have chance to make good times tonight, I say as I bring out a dungeon master screen and use it to obscure my dice. [00:10:26] Speaker A: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure there's been something. Hey, by the way, you want a snickel? [00:10:32] Speaker C: Do I want a what? [00:10:34] Speaker A: A snickle. And I will reach into my pocket, obviously not wrapped in any way, and pull out a dill pickle sliced in half with a snickers bar smashed between them in a sandwich form. [00:10:50] Speaker B: Even when I was alive. No. [00:10:54] Speaker C: I just take a look at it, pull out a chair, and take a seat. [00:11:00] Speaker A: All right, you're lost. And I don't chew it. I just take it as one whole object and then just slide it down into my throat. No chewing, no even swallowing motion. It just kind of falls into the stomach. [00:11:14] Speaker B: Is Charles making eye contact with anybody as he does? [00:11:19] Speaker A: Uh, I am now. About halfway through, I just turn super slowly towards Ivy and give a dramatic, obvious. [00:11:29] Speaker B: Hmm, great. [00:11:33] Speaker C: So as I sit down, I see the DM screen, the miniatures, the dice, everything like that. And I slowly nod and say, no, this is definitely the satanist thing. [00:11:47] Speaker D: How could it be satanist? The character I picked out for you is a paladin. You are a holy man. Welcome to Dorian Bladehammer. And I'll hand him the crisp, freshly printed off character sheet. [00:12:01] Speaker C: I take the sheet, but continue looking at Schmendrig. No, I remember the news. I like corrupting kids and all this weird shit going on. Isn't this an ivy thing? [00:12:18] Speaker B: Excuse you, Ivy. [00:12:20] Speaker E: Are you corrupting kids? We're supposed to be better than that. Okay, we're maybe heroes. I'm still on the fence about that. [00:12:29] Speaker B: I didn't like children when I was alive, and I definitely don't like them now, so why would I want to corrupt them? [00:12:37] Speaker D: First of all, I want to point out that we're vampires. I don't think DND is going to kill us. It literally cannot kill us. [00:12:45] Speaker E: Yeah, and some of you are a lot older than me. My apologies. But I think if there was any satan involved in this picture, wouldn't you all have found out by now, I mean. You're pretty smart about things. [00:12:59] Speaker A: Baby has a good point. [00:13:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:02] Speaker E: I'm a full grown man. [00:13:04] Speaker A: Sure you are, kiddo. [00:13:05] Speaker E: God damn it. [00:13:07] Speaker B: Oh, Alex, sweetie, at this point, I. [00:13:11] Speaker D: Will hand ivy her sheet and say, there you are, miss. Raven Darkheart. [00:13:17] Speaker B: Raven darkheart? I'm playing a and I close my eyes and slowly open them, locking eyes with Schmendric. I'm a warlock. [00:13:30] Speaker D: Yes. You have one spell. It's called blood and Eldritch blast. [00:13:34] Speaker A: I just explode with the dog. The villain assistant of Snyder. Whiplash. That whole. Just like. But more hissing. [00:13:49] Speaker B: Okay, all right, fine. What's a tie flean? And why is that my race? [00:13:59] Speaker D: First of all, tiefling are kind of like demon people. But you get Thomaturgy as a cantrip for being tiefling. I'm sorry. [00:14:08] Speaker B: You made me a demon person. [00:14:11] Speaker C: That fits. [00:14:14] Speaker A: No, I mean, it makes sense. The first time you play the game, you want to give someone, they understand. I get it. Yeah. [00:14:19] Speaker E: Why is everyone bagging on her? She is really sweet. Yeah, sometimes a little rough around the edges, but come on, she's been very helpful to me, anyway. [00:14:32] Speaker A: Yeah, give it time. Then you'll see the tramier. That's how they start, right? But then out come the war crimes and the human experimentation, and it always happens. [00:14:39] Speaker E: She said that was for science. [00:14:42] Speaker C: Listen, Alex, free tip. Ivy's great. She is not sweet, and she's part of a race of actual. [00:14:50] Speaker B: Wow. Wow. [00:14:53] Speaker D: That bit of happiness aside, Alex, you are playing Nashvang Kingslayer, a dragonborn barbarian. [00:15:02] Speaker E: Yeah, yeah. I can't wait. I can breathe lightning with. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. [00:15:11] Speaker D: And finally, we have Bartholius Charleston. A half orc bard for you, Charles. [00:15:20] Speaker A: Bard? No, I think I've heard about this. I will sit next to Ivy in the chair, and then the room is just full for a moment of the sound of the chair squeaking. As I get closer and closer, I would like to roll, to seduce the tiefling. [00:15:35] Speaker B: I just purse my lips together and stare up at the ceiling, trying very, very hard to keep it together. [00:15:44] Speaker D: We can leave the seduction for later, Charles. [00:15:48] Speaker A: Too late. And the dice goes clattering across the table. [00:15:53] Speaker D: It's not a terrible role at a 14, as I say, looking over the table. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Does it work? How do I know if it works? [00:16:02] Speaker D: It's entirely up to Ivy. [00:16:04] Speaker A: Ivy? Did it move a little? No, wait, that's me. Sorry. Does it move a little? It's been a long time for me. [00:16:12] Speaker B: What do I have to roll to not have anything to do with him ever again. Is there a role that I can make for that? [00:16:19] Speaker D: You're not an NPC, so you can just choose whether or not it works. [00:16:24] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm going to say no. I think, like, hard no. [00:16:29] Speaker C: Are you sure? I thought I saw something on your face there for a second. [00:16:33] Speaker B: Josh, I'm going to send you down to meet Satan if you don't stop. [00:16:39] Speaker A: All right. No, I get it. It's very early. We'll work on it. [00:16:43] Speaker D: Great. [00:16:45] Speaker A: All right. Bar tholius Charleston. I get that. Nice. Thank you. [00:16:51] Speaker D: Since you all have your character sheets, can I get into explaining the story? Would that be okay? No satanists, Josh. I promise. [00:17:01] Speaker C: I nod and accepting acknowledgement without a hint of irony. [00:17:08] Speaker A: As Schmendrick begins to explain, I just continue to take snickels out of my pocket and stack them in a small pyramid next to my character sheet. [00:17:16] Speaker D: I do have to question, are these, like, unwrapped in your pocket? Are they just covered in pocket lint and hair now? [00:17:23] Speaker A: Yes, and there are far more stacking than you would expect to fit in the pocket, so there's a lot to take. [00:17:34] Speaker D: Ugh, Charles, you didn't even wrap them. They're just rolling around collecting dust in your pocket. [00:17:42] Speaker A: Yeah, and you said bring snacks. [00:17:46] Speaker D: It's a little gross. I'm not gonna lie. I like food and gross things, but that's a hair too far for me. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Hair too far. Get that? Look, don't knock till you try it, and I will slide one of the snickels across the table at you. [00:18:02] Speaker D: I'll consider it. [00:18:04] Speaker B: I just give Schmendrick a look. I mean, really, Schmendrick, it's only nice of you if you asked him to bring snacks. [00:18:14] Speaker A: I mean, in fact, I have enough for the whole class, and I'll just start passing them out around the table. One for. [00:18:20] Speaker B: Actually, I can't eat food like Schmendrick can, so Schmendrick can have mine. Thanks. [00:18:26] Speaker D: Though the snickel situation aside, I just kind of look the group up and down before placing a paper crown on top of my head, because tonight, I am the prince. You are all citizens of a nation called Fulani. You are each a noble and heirs to your respective family fortunes. It is a small and wealthy kingdom that borders on the north and east by two similarly small and luxurious kingdoms. It packs into the east and Vorus to the north. Curiously, Vorus's throne has set empty for the last 300 years, although an opportunity has arisen that you may find difficult to pass up the lady Raven squall, steward of Voris personal request for your presence, as she believes one of you to be the new king or queen of her home country. And you are to be crowned. This very evening, news spread like wildfire, with some noble houses trying to buy the invitations from others. Some houses have taken to standing outside and waiting for a missive that may never come. You, on the other hand, have managed one of these coveted letters and are currently finding yourself in a stagecoach on your way to Ravensquall Manor. The letter reads, on behalf of Lady Raven Squall, you are cordially invited to the contest of kings, a test of inner strength, wits and panache, with untold riches and power to be bestowed upon the winner, the top prize being the whole country of Oris, which has been waiting for the return of its monarch for the last 300 years. The heir is, with complete certainty, one of you who are invited tonight, and she humbly invites you to these trials that you may prove yourself and reclaim that which is yours. [00:20:10] Speaker B: Okay, I'm sorry, can you just simplify? What am I doing exactly? [00:20:20] Speaker C: You're walking into a trap is what you're doing. This is rather transparently a game to eliminate all potential noble and political rivals. [00:20:30] Speaker E: Okay, contest of kings. Let's just take a step back and let's try to. [00:20:36] Speaker A: Yes. [00:20:36] Speaker E: And this a little bit, right? Like, we could have fun. Maybe we'll get into some fighting, have some mutton. I'm sure Charles wants to roll to seduce, and we'll have some fun. [00:20:49] Speaker A: Yeah, baby's right. I'm here for this. Which of us is the king again? How do we find out? [00:20:56] Speaker E: I don't know. I just know that I'm a dragon, and I could shoot dragon stuff out of. So, schmendrick, vampire master, whatever the phrase is. What are we doing? [00:21:12] Speaker D: I was taking a moment to be amused by Josh's complete overreaction, but all of you are gathering on your way to this manor so that you can try and prove yourself king of vorus, or queen, as the case may be. [00:21:28] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, no, I've heard about this. We all meet in an inn, right? [00:21:31] Speaker D: Not in this scenario. [00:21:34] Speaker B: Oh, thank God. Who starts a game by being like, oh, yes, go to a restaurant, go have some drinks and some food, and meet with somebody who's going to give you a quest. [00:21:46] Speaker D: Well, now that you all understand the assignment, can I continue on? [00:21:51] Speaker B: Sure. [00:21:53] Speaker D: You get out of your stagecoaches, and as you walk down the pathway towards the manor, it is an old gothic style mansion that has been impeccably cared for over the centuries. The garden sports some relatively rare plants, but it almost seems to have a dreary and oppressive nature to it. The entryway is guarded on either side by fearsome gargoyle statues that reach down from the precipice as if to grab onto those entering. But despite their fearsome appearance, you can enter through the grand doorway without much. [00:22:26] Speaker A: No, no, wait. I'm starting to believe Josh on this one. I know better. I'm not allowed to go in that house. [00:22:31] Speaker C: Yeah, can I look around and find the assassins that are waiting for us? [00:22:35] Speaker B: I actually really like this house. [00:22:38] Speaker E: Can I breathe lightning on it? [00:22:40] Speaker A: Du Sable made it clear I wasn't allowed to go inside is what I'm saying. [00:22:43] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, no, you're definitely not allowed to go inside. That's a very fair, uh, Schmender. [00:22:48] Speaker C: What kind of gun do I have? [00:22:50] Speaker D: You don't have a gun, Joshua. You have an axe. [00:22:54] Speaker E: I want to enter a rage and attack the house. If it's making my friends feel threatened, I'm not okay with that. [00:23:01] Speaker D: Roll to attack the house. [00:23:03] Speaker E: Fuck you, house, here I come. Ha. I rolled a 16. Does a 16 hit the house? Who is being very rude to my friends? [00:23:12] Speaker D: You have no issues hitting the house. Your weapon clanks off the side of the walls. [00:23:19] Speaker B: How much damage does he do? [00:23:21] Speaker E: So, Schmendrick, I do ten axe damage to the door. I mean, that's clearly got to be, like, double damage because doors are weak against axes, right? [00:23:33] Speaker D: Well, it's stone. First of all, it's a grandstone door, and secondly, you put a mark in it, and all the nobles currently standing inside the foyer are just kind of giving you like this. What the heck are you doing? Look, before going back to their drinking. [00:23:49] Speaker E: And talking, okay, we've asserted our dominance. We've knocked on the door. Okay, guys, I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think we're doing pretty good. [00:24:00] Speaker C: So did I find the assassins? [00:24:03] Speaker D: There's no assassins, Josh. What if there are assassins? You cannot see them. You don't have a high enough passive perception. [00:24:13] Speaker C: But I know they're there. [00:24:15] Speaker D: You don't actually know they're there. [00:24:17] Speaker C: So you admit that they are there? I just don't know it. [00:24:20] Speaker D: Damn it, Josh. You are immediately greeted by the grand foyer. The stairs are blocked off by a pair of guards in full plate mail. The slowly growing crowd of noblemen and women continues to chatter, some about the most recent attack on the door, but a lot of them are choosing to ignore that some of these individuals look as though they have been living each day with a silver spoon of luxury, having never experienced trials or hardships before in their lives. The armor and weapons they sport are likely new, or have never been worn before today. Then there are the other kinds of nobles, those that have earned their station through less civilized means, combat or extortion, but they are few and far between. All the same, they are easily spotted amongst the crowd, as they have an air of competency to them. [00:25:11] Speaker A: I would like to walk into the room, making it as obvious as possible that I'm not associated with the idiot hitting the door. And my cape, I get a cape, right? [00:25:22] Speaker D: Of course. You can have a cape if you want. [00:25:24] Speaker A: Excellent. So my cape is billowing out as I step into the room, and then I'm looking around these nobles, one of the soft ones, they're a good looking, good looking noble around here? [00:25:36] Speaker D: There's a couple. [00:25:39] Speaker A: All right, well, I'm going to make a list of the goodest looking nobles, and then I want to find the one with the biggest tits and start walking in that direction. Yeah. And I grab some. Well, hang on, it's wine, right? It's red wine or white wine? Because, I mean, I'm kind of picky. [00:25:56] Speaker D: It's red wine. [00:25:57] Speaker A: Yeah, that works, yeah. So then I'm grabbing less red wine and then it's full speed to tits o'clock. [00:26:04] Speaker C: So forgive me, Schmendric, you said that we are also nobles, correct? [00:26:10] Speaker D: Yes. [00:26:11] Speaker C: Do I know any of the others here? [00:26:15] Speaker D: Not many of them really have dealings with the church, per se, but there are the elmhasts. They are herbalists by trade, and were given their station of nobility after they helped cure a plague that decimated the countryside some 50 years ago. [00:26:31] Speaker C: And I'm sorry, what did you say that they were called? [00:26:35] Speaker D: The Elmhast. Emily Elmhast, the youngest daughter, is actually here tonight. [00:26:41] Speaker A: Oh, God. She's not the one I'm walking to, is it? [00:26:43] Speaker B: God, I hope not. [00:26:44] Speaker D: She is not, no. [00:26:47] Speaker C: How do these elmhasts feel about the church? What church is it? [00:26:55] Speaker D: The church of frickin Joshua is what it is. [00:27:00] Speaker C: I see. How do they feel about it? [00:27:03] Speaker D: They don't exactly have direct dealings, but they are familiar. They would probably offer a tithe here and there. [00:27:13] Speaker C: So they haven't made any overt moves against me yet? [00:27:16] Speaker D: No, they have not. [00:27:19] Speaker C: I slowly nod, kind of drinking in this information with as much seriousness as if I had just heard that the second inquisition was just down the street and coming to kill me. And I just say, you may proceed. [00:27:37] Speaker D: So Charles, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the person with the largest breasts in the room belongs to Natalie Oglethrope. [00:27:49] Speaker A: Yeah, the oglethropes. Vermont Oglethropes or New Hampshire oglethropes? [00:27:55] Speaker D: Vermont, I guess. [00:27:57] Speaker A: No, the other ones are assholes. All right. [00:27:59] Speaker E: Yeah. [00:28:00] Speaker A: Okay, so, Natalie. Right. [00:28:03] Speaker D: Seduction, persuasion, roll. [00:28:06] Speaker A: I'm going to welcome. Say, Miss Oglethorpe, is it? I hear you've sponsored a great number of singers in your days. Perhaps I can help inspire a performance out of you. And then I'll waggle my eyebrows. Shit. So it's the dice roll and then I add my thing to it, right? That's eight. [00:28:25] Speaker D: It's not exactly a very impressive display. But the thing you have to know about the oglethropes is they're used to this kind of thing. They're used to bribes. They control the theater district. [00:28:38] Speaker A: No. Is she an actress? [00:28:40] Speaker D: Well, her family is very much into what plays get produced these days and who acts where. [00:28:48] Speaker A: Well, that explains why my line doesn't work. [00:28:50] Speaker D: Well, I doubt there's a line she hasn't heard of before. And when you ask her if you can help improve her singing voice, she simply offers you a curtain nod. But it's kind of in that way that. Just please leave me alone. [00:29:10] Speaker A: Shit. I wasn't ready for this game to start hitting me with personal attacks. [00:29:14] Speaker B: Hey, Schmendric, I have a question. On my character sheet, it says that I can cast something called vicious mockery. Can I direct that at Charles? [00:29:25] Speaker D: I would say hold off on that for now. You can try and vicious mockery him in real life and see what happens. But let's keep the PvP to a minimum until things really start rolling. [00:29:36] Speaker B: What's pvP? [00:29:38] Speaker D: Player versus player. [00:29:45] Speaker B: We're supposed to be friends. Is that the like. We're not. We're not. You don't want us to fight each other? [00:29:53] Speaker D: Not right now. [00:29:54] Speaker B: Okay, well, I'm still going to say mean things to. Sorry, what is your name? [00:30:04] Speaker A: Bartholius. And I roll my hand in a grand gesture and bow towards the snickel pyramid. [00:30:12] Speaker B: I pull my hand back just in case. He moves his hand a little bit closer to me. Right, Bartholaus? Okay, great. [00:30:27] Speaker E: So I was wondering, dungeon master, is there a big, strong looking warrior such as myself there? [00:30:40] Speaker D: There is. Though not exactly on the tall scale. The most prolific warrior here is a dwarf by the name of Claiborne Helmfast of the Helmfast family. They are armorers by trade, but as of late, they've been earning their money through the guild, primarily. The guild, as you might expect, controls everything. Who gets what resources in what medals, and who gets to actually practice in the city itself. [00:31:14] Speaker E: Okay, cool. I'm going to walk over to him as a dragonborn, and I'm going to say, oh, gosh, what does a dragon sound like in dungeons and death binders? Hello, my name is Grin Fang, Kingslayer. Well met, little man. And I stroke my beard because I totally have, like, a really awesome beard. It doesn't say on my character sheet, but, like in my brain I have one. Anyway, so I start stroking my beard, and I'm like. And then I challenge you to a sport of contests for the throne. For I was the one who. I punished that door. [00:32:03] Speaker D: As you start stroking your fingers through your beard, he does the same, an eyebrows slowly raising on his face. He'll give you the courtesy of clasping arms with you in the standard warrior greeting. But he tries to talk you down a little bit, and he says, I think there will be plenty of fighting later on. [00:32:26] Speaker E: That's right. Because we're here for the contest. That's right. Okay. Yes, you'd make a fair point, brave warrior. I will reserve my resources then. But in the meantime, should any doors raise their ugly heads, I shall smite them down. Is this how barbarians talk? I don't know. [00:32:48] Speaker D: I think you're doing fine. [00:32:50] Speaker B: You're doing a great job, Alex. [00:32:53] Speaker E: Heck, yeah. All right. [00:32:55] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, the point of the game is it's fantasy, right? That's why I can be attractive. Ivy can be not a bitch. Wow, Charles, was that too far? That's the line. [00:33:06] Speaker B: I don't even give him the time of day. I just ignore the comment. Water off a duck's back. [00:33:12] Speaker A: That's what hurts the most, in fact. Okay, look, it's not fun for me if you don't react. You know that, right? [00:33:19] Speaker B: Yes. [00:33:20] Speaker A: Oh, I love it when you play hard to get. [00:33:22] Speaker C: Anyway, I see on the map that there's an upstairs. Is that correct? [00:33:29] Speaker D: There is, but it's guarded on either side by men in full plate. [00:33:34] Speaker B: Are those three headed dog statues? [00:33:37] Speaker D: They're actually bat statues, but I didn't have that resource when I was making the map, so I like the bat. [00:33:45] Speaker C: Look, personally, can I walk up to the guards and ask if I can go upstairs? [00:33:52] Speaker D: They don't respond. [00:33:55] Speaker A: No, I get this. Like elysium ghouls. [00:33:57] Speaker D: Sure, yeah. At this point, the lady of the manor places her goblet onto the railings of the dice and spreads her arms wide in greeting. Hush falls over the room as she begins to speak. The tenor in her voice is as sweet as a songbird, but with the unmistakable drip of venom to it. Welcome, children of fortune. It is with great pleasure that I invite you all into my home. I have such high hopes for all of you. Those of you that have considered the offer to be a hoax, I can assure you that one person with us here tonight is indeed the heir to the throne of Voris, and I, the steward, am here to judge the outcome of this event. [00:34:39] Speaker C: She's going to fucking kill us all. [00:34:41] Speaker A: All but one of us. [00:34:44] Speaker C: I'm sorry, Schmendric. [00:34:46] Speaker D: It's okay, Josh. I mean, I expect as much from you at this point anyways. The road to leadership is not an easy one. One must be willing to do unscrupulous things to earn their way. In this day and age, one must learn to cut out outside influences and trust their core instincts, have the will to carry through seemingly impossible obstacles and should the situation require it, debase yourself and crawl in order to reach your goals. Murder and foul play are not beneath you, so embrace it. If such hardships and trials are not to your liking, you are, of course, free to leave. [00:35:25] Speaker B: And also a little bitch. [00:35:28] Speaker D: A crown is a heavy burden, and not everyone is suited to wear it. At this point, she will gesture towards the door and takes a moment to wait for anyone to leave that feels as though that is the correct decision. And if you do, they'll trickle out. One, two, five. And when it looks like no one else is going to leave, she speaks loud enough so that those heading out the door can hear. Cowardice does not become a leader. At this point, the front doors slam shut, an ominous clicking sound into an otherwise silent room. There is but one thing I will mention before we begin. You must find the word of power to open the secret door. Once you have it, you may advance to the throne and defeat the usurper that stands before it. Without further ado, let the games begin. [00:36:24] Speaker C: As she finishes speaking, I nod. Are usurper. How do you feel about that, Ivy? [00:36:33] Speaker B: Like the motherfucking queen, obviously. [00:36:38] Speaker C: The queen of stolen thrones. [00:36:44] Speaker A: It's because the Aubrey thing, he's talking about the tremere, a bunch of. So it doesn't seem like you get it. [00:36:52] Speaker B: I drop my pencil on the table and hold my head in my hands. Charles, I get it. I understand. [00:37:02] Speaker E: So I just witnessed a lot of things that make no sense to. [00:37:15] Speaker B: That's a big kid word again. [00:37:18] Speaker E: Whole man. I am a whole man here. [00:37:21] Speaker B: You're a whole man and a whole baby vampire. [00:37:25] Speaker E: God damn it. [00:37:27] Speaker A: Relax, kid. I mean, when were you born, like, 19, 95? 97 ad? [00:37:32] Speaker E: No, in 1989. [00:37:35] Speaker A: Fuck me. Sorry. For a whole six years? Yeah. It's all right. You want to sippy cup? I can put a sniggle in it. [00:37:41] Speaker C: My son was born in 88. [00:37:46] Speaker D: All right. After her speech, the lady claps her hands, and the house begins to kind of creak, groan, vibrate. The floors beneath your feet begin to glow a sort of purple. Then inky black arms start to grow from the floor and latch onto or attempt to. [00:38:05] Speaker B: Wait, hold on. Maya's not here. What is happening? [00:38:10] Speaker D: I was. [00:38:12] Speaker B: Disgusting. [00:38:14] Speaker C: I knew it. This is where it ends. [00:38:17] Speaker B: Yeah, see? And you thought it was a tramier, and really it was a la sambra the whole time. [00:38:22] Speaker D: It's literally just Maya running the whole show. She is indeed Lady Raven squall. [00:38:27] Speaker B: Maya is the house. And now we know why the house took damage. Oh, my God. It's all coming together. [00:38:36] Speaker E: So, wait, if I attack the house, I hurt Maya? Is this like some. [00:38:39] Speaker B: Yes, I think so. That's what I think. Anyway, based on what's happening now, I get it. [00:38:44] Speaker E: The usurper is the house. We got to kill the house to kill the usurper. Guys, I'm onto this. I'm going to start getting to work right away. [00:38:51] Speaker C: Can you guys shut up so I can hear the rest of this, please? [00:38:54] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:38:56] Speaker D: As these inky black appendages reach up from the floor to grab you, do you make any attempt to resist them? [00:39:04] Speaker C: I instruct my axe and start swinging. [00:39:09] Speaker D: Sure. Give me an attack. Roll against the arms. [00:39:13] Speaker C: How do I do that? [00:39:15] Speaker D: You see that dice there? It has 20 numbers on it. [00:39:20] Speaker C: This one. And I pick up the d. Twelve. [00:39:23] Speaker D: No, not that one. The bigger one. It looks more like an orb. [00:39:27] Speaker C: Okay. [00:39:28] Speaker B: Do you know how to count? [00:39:30] Speaker C: Okay, I just roll this. [00:39:32] Speaker D: You just roll it? It's all probability, Josh. [00:39:35] Speaker C: And am I swinging with one hand or two? [00:39:38] Speaker D: That's entirely up to you. [00:39:40] Speaker C: And you said I don't have a gun. [00:39:43] Speaker D: You do not have a gun. No. In fact, guns don't even exist in this world. [00:39:48] Speaker C: Okay, two handed it is. I got a 14. [00:39:53] Speaker D: Yeah, roll me damage for that. [00:39:56] Speaker C: Okay, so I rolled a ten, and it says, I add two. [00:40:00] Speaker D: So twelve max damage. Not bad. Unfortunately, you can't really tell if you're making headway. There are obviously black, tenderly arms kind of getting lopped off in every direction. You're not sinking through the floor yet, but other people in the room seem. [00:40:16] Speaker B: To be question with my occult knowledge. Arcana, I guess, is what it would be. Do I understand this spell that's happening? [00:40:31] Speaker D: Give me an arcana roll. [00:40:33] Speaker B: Okay, 16. [00:40:38] Speaker D: Yeah. So this kind of spell isn't exactly known to you, but you can understand the physics of what's happening. It's obviously a spell focused on this room, and it looks to be some sort of a teleportation spell. [00:40:53] Speaker B: Oh, weird. Okay, great. Then, no, I'm not going to attack it like some folks. [00:41:03] Speaker C: Can I tell how Lady Raven squall is reacting to all this? Is she also afraid? [00:41:10] Speaker D: No, she seems rather calm, standing up on the dais, finishing what remains of her drink and turning to head upstairs. She doesn't seem to particularly care what's happening right now. [00:41:21] Speaker C: So she is the original conspirator. [00:41:24] Speaker D: She's also the one trying to give you a. [00:41:27] Speaker A: So allegedly. [00:41:29] Speaker B: Well, not Josh. Let's be clear. The crown is obviously mine. [00:41:35] Speaker E: Well, okay, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? I fight for the common people. Maybe we need to overthrow this oppressive bourgeoisie and instill a successful uprising of the. Where is this coming from? [00:41:49] Speaker B: Those are some big words for you, Alex. [00:41:52] Speaker E: I never even used to care, and all of a sudden, I find myself just kind of a little angry, like, all the time. [00:41:58] Speaker C: I mean, it all makes perfect sense if you just think about it. Lady Raven squall. Why would she willingly give up power like this? Especially to somebody that comes from out of town? It doesn't make any sense. [00:42:11] Speaker B: That sounds awfully xenophobic of you. [00:42:14] Speaker C: Extremely xenophobic of her, is what I think you mean to say. Either way, she's removing competition, expanding her borders. [00:42:23] Speaker B: Well, great. If she removes you as competition, more for me. Fantastic. [00:42:27] Speaker A: Look, all I know is that these tentacles, like, how thick are. [00:42:32] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:42:35] Speaker A: No, no, it's important. How thick are the tentacles? [00:42:38] Speaker B: Is it really important? [00:42:40] Speaker A: I'm sorry, Ivy. If you would allow Schmendrick to immerse me. How thick are the. [00:42:48] Speaker B: I hate you getting. [00:42:52] Speaker D: Just at this point, I'm hanging my head in shame. Like this had to be a question that could only come from Charles. They're about two inches in diameter. [00:43:03] Speaker A: Okay, well, so when she gave that whole speech, she made it clear that one of the ways, or one of the important things, was the ability to debase oneself for power. And I mean, Raven. Raven's your character. Raven, yes. So, Raven, she's not freaking out and she's the smartest person in the room because that's the fantasy that you want her to play as the character. I get that. So she's not weirded out and I have to debase myself. I think the appropriate move here for me is to seduce the tentacles. [00:43:37] Speaker E: Charles, how are you going to seduce tentacles, my guy? They don't have ears. [00:43:44] Speaker A: At this point, I take one of the snickels off of the table and perform a very elaborate. [00:43:52] Speaker E: Oh, God. Oh. [00:43:54] Speaker B: I'm actually kind of morbidly curious, Charles, he asked. [00:44:00] Speaker A: Yeah, how is this my fault? [00:44:03] Speaker E: Vm, does he have to make, like, a concave or something to survive this atrocity? [00:44:09] Speaker D: No, the tentacles drag him into the floor and disappears. [00:44:16] Speaker E: Okay, do I have to make a concave to survive that atrocity? [00:44:20] Speaker D: No, you're fine. You should be able to stomach it. [00:44:24] Speaker E: Okay. I mean, debatable. [00:44:27] Speaker D: So it seems as though Bartholius has sunken into the inky black. [00:44:34] Speaker A: Wait, wait. Am I dead? [00:44:36] Speaker D: No, you're not dead. We're going to catch up to you in a moment. I just have to see what the others are doing first. [00:44:41] Speaker C: Am I dead? [00:44:43] Speaker D: You're not dead, okay? No one is dead yet. [00:44:49] Speaker B: I mean, I recognize that this is. [00:44:53] Speaker C: Where are the assassins? [00:44:55] Speaker B: Josh, can you please. I'm trying to enjoy the game right now. [00:45:01] Speaker A: Oh, now it's okay if someone wants. [00:45:03] Speaker C: To get immersed, you can continue enjoying the game. I'm going to continue trying to save our fucking lives. How about that? [00:45:10] Speaker B: We're playing characters. They're not real lives. [00:45:17] Speaker C: What? [00:45:18] Speaker E: Yeah, buddy. This isn't Mujanji. If we die in the game, we don't die in real. [00:45:23] Speaker C: Okay, well, clearly. [00:45:25] Speaker A: Okay. Okay, but, Josh, buddy, right? Imagine, right? You know, Malkavians, right? And some of them, they have the whole, like, I'm a person in front of you, but inside my head is an imaginary person, and sometimes I pretend to be that person. [00:45:38] Speaker C: I understand, but this is valuable as a training exercise. Isn't that why we're here? [00:45:43] Speaker D: You're here to have fun, Josh. [00:45:48] Speaker C: What? [00:45:48] Speaker E: Yeah, buddy. It's a game, like humans do, for fun. [00:45:53] Speaker D: This is why you make a great hound. Because I swear, you're a fucking robot. [00:45:57] Speaker C: So why did Satanists latch onto this? [00:46:01] Speaker D: I don't think Satanists did latch onto this. I think ridiculous parents that were overly worried about something stupid latched onto this. [00:46:09] Speaker E: That tracks. [00:46:10] Speaker C: Yeah, I see. So where are the assassins? [00:46:16] Speaker D: There's no assassins. Josh, are you going to let the tentacles take you or what? [00:46:23] Speaker C: I suppose. [00:46:25] Speaker D: Okay. [00:46:26] Speaker B: I mean, I know this is a spell, so I think I'm just going to strike a really cool pose. Like, I'm going to just stand there with my arms up and just staring up at the ceiling, and I'm just going to revel in it, because that's what you do, right? [00:46:42] Speaker D: Yeah, that actually sounds really cool. I love the idea of your character just basically posing as she sinks into the inky blackness. [00:46:50] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:46:52] Speaker C: So where do they take us? [00:46:55] Speaker D: So seeing all of this, Alex, what does Nashvang Kingslayer do? Is he going to continue to fight or trust in what the others have done? [00:47:07] Speaker E: Nashfang Kingslayer is going to learn, like his true God, that he adores the wonderful purple dragon, the purple worm that teaches him to love. He will take a deep breath and let the tentacles do the tentacle thing, and I will take a small moment of prayer. [00:47:36] Speaker B: Do you hear it? Do you hear it when you say it? [00:47:40] Speaker E: What are you talking about? I hear what? [00:47:42] Speaker B: Nothing. Never mind. [00:47:43] Speaker E: I'm talking on my character sheet. It says I'm an acolyte and I'm a true believer, and it doesn't say who that is. So I think it's a God of love and friendship and togetherness. The great purple dragon, Barnini. And he inspires me to do better. [00:48:05] Speaker A: I'm covering my hideous fang face with both hands to contain what wants to come out of my mouth. [00:48:11] Speaker D: At this point, I'm just kind of switching the maps out to the next layer and trying to ignore what's happening around me. [00:48:20] Speaker E: I'm sorry, vm. Just my character sheet, it didn't say who my deity was, and I'm just kind of first thing that popped into my head, so that's what I'm rolling with. [00:48:31] Speaker D: Barnini, was that it? [00:48:33] Speaker E: Yeah. Barnini, Barnini. The purple Dragon. [00:48:38] Speaker B: Dragon. [00:48:38] Speaker E: Love and friendship. [00:48:40] Speaker B: Does he have, like, green spots? [00:48:43] Speaker E: Yeah. It's to remind us that envious and jealousness is always possible if we don't love. Right. [00:48:55] Speaker C: I want to make super clear that while this exchange is happening and while Schmendrick is switching the maps out and everything, you'll all see Josh not frantically scribbling, but scribbling with some alacrity. And if any of you bother looking at my notes, you will see I've already drawn, like, a full web from the five characters I know. [00:49:19] Speaker D: At least he's into it. The four of you find yourselves safely teleported into a room. It seems to be a children's room. There are toys and a crib, as well as a mobile spinning about. And I kind of give Josh this nervous look, like, oh, fuck, I shouldn't. [00:49:38] Speaker C: I have, like, full thousand yard stare. [00:49:41] Speaker D: Okay. Thousand yard stare is better. Than losing a shit. So I'm going to continue. The room, however, is not as well kept as the outsides of the mansion would suggest. There are cobwebs everywhere. The mobile is slowly spinning. It's tilted just a little bit. You get this really eerie vibe from the room. And right above the cradle itself is a giant tapestry with r on it. To the north, there is a door that you can exit this room from if you dare to look outside. There is nothing but pitch black. [00:50:22] Speaker B: Okay, hold on. I have something called dark vision. So does that mean that I can see in the dark? Because you just said it looks really dark, but if I can see in the dark. Right, yeah. [00:50:40] Speaker D: You don't actually need to use dark vision here, because this place is still lit with candles and lanterns. The outside, however, your dark vision does not seem to penetrate. [00:50:51] Speaker B: Then what's the point of dark vision? If I can't see in the dark and there's dark? It feels like a really kind of, like, useless thing. [00:50:59] Speaker D: Hold on. Because of your successful Arcana check earlier, I can tell you that this is a similar spell to the one used on the floor in the foyer that is covering the windows. [00:51:08] Speaker B: Oh, my God. It's just more or less sombra bullshit. [00:51:12] Speaker A: All right, so this room, how big is it? From side to side, front to back. [00:51:17] Speaker D: This room is about 20ft across. It's not especially large. It's definitely made for a younger person. And I try not to mention child again, and give Josh another look. [00:51:29] Speaker C: Can I look for any signs of trouble or struggle? Try to figure out if something might have happened here. [00:51:37] Speaker D: Nothing you can really tell. It just looks like an old room. [00:51:41] Speaker A: The other nobles, short one, big tits, they're not here. [00:51:46] Speaker D: It just seems to be you four. It's possible that the others have been broken up into different areas amongst the house. Probably similar teams. [00:51:55] Speaker B: What happens if I try and open the door? [00:51:58] Speaker D: Do you? Because it's not going to resist. [00:52:01] Speaker B: I mean, if there's nothing, like, of interest in the room, we should figure out what we're doing. So, yeah, I'll open the door. [00:52:08] Speaker D: So, in the next room, there are a couple of beds. This was likely for the servants of the manor, back when this place was in its heyday. It is similarly covered in cobwebs. [00:52:21] Speaker B: I don't understand why they don't clean this. This is disgusting. [00:52:27] Speaker D: The strange part of this room, however, is there are no doors out. The windows are similarly black tinted with the spell, and there is a ramshead bust hanging just above one of the bookshelves. [00:52:43] Speaker B: Is there anything interesting about the bust? Is there like a hidden lever or like a button or something? [00:52:52] Speaker C: Are there any suits of armor in here? [00:52:55] Speaker D: There are no suits of armor in here, but, Ivy, do you want to give me an investigation role? [00:53:01] Speaker B: Sure. Let's see. Investigation. That's only a four. [00:53:12] Speaker D: Not good enough, I'm afraid. You don't find anything unusual about the rams head? [00:53:17] Speaker A: It says here on my sheet that I have religion and history. Is there anything I notice, like the symbolism of the bust? Is it religious in nature or is it just, like, actually a ram's head? [00:53:29] Speaker D: It's just a ram's head. [00:53:32] Speaker A: Shit. [00:53:33] Speaker B: I squint my eyes a little bit and shake my head as I stare at Charles. You never cease to surprise me. [00:53:43] Speaker A: What do you mean? [00:53:44] Speaker B: I don't. [00:53:45] Speaker E: Just. [00:53:46] Speaker B: That just didn't. [00:53:47] Speaker A: Well, I can't be smart, is that what you're saying? Not because I look like this, because I act way I do. I can't, you know, like, have a good idea. Is that maybe if I were Shamir, I'd be allowed to have ideas? Is that it? Do you have a monopoly on ideas? [00:54:00] Speaker C: That sounds about right. I think that's what she's saying. [00:54:03] Speaker A: You wound me, Ivy. After all we've been through, and you treat me like any way. You know what? I'm not going to let you do this to Shmendrick's game. Schmendric. [00:54:11] Speaker C: Please continue real fast. I'm sorry, Schmendrick. Can I look around for the assassins? Do I find them in here? [00:54:21] Speaker D: Unfortunately, Joshua, there are no assassins in here. You notice as you walk, you are disturbing the dust that is laying on the floor. And as you observe that, you realize that you have been the only people in here in some time. So if there are assassins, they have been waiting 30 years for you. [00:54:42] Speaker C: At this point, you can never underestimate the dedication of those who wish to have power at the cost of others. What do I find under the beds? [00:54:53] Speaker D: The most vicious dust bunny you've ever seen. [00:54:57] Speaker C: I see. [00:54:59] Speaker E: Hey, VM. So I'm just thinking about this, right, so this house isn't like the Ramshead manor or something, is it? [00:55:09] Speaker D: No, this is literally the Raven squall manor at this point, since she's purchased. [00:55:17] Speaker E: Cool. All right, so I had a thought. I'm big and strong and I'm thinking rams. They ram stuff, right? Like, that's what they do. I'm wondering if there's, like, a weak wall or something. And you see my character pull out his great axe and he says, I grim fang, Kingslayer. I'm tired of these games, and I'm just going to start going ham all over the place. [00:55:47] Speaker B: I thought your name was. I just. I just want you to keep it straight. [00:55:59] Speaker E: Right, Grim Fang. [00:56:02] Speaker D: It doesn't really matter what your name is. I just need to know which wall you're attacking. [00:56:09] Speaker E: Excellent. Okay. I look around at this map that I see in front of me, and I start to realize I am in a plethora of options. I think it's called a target rich environment. Ooh, I'm going to hit the one with the big R on it that leads directly outside. [00:56:29] Speaker D: You don't want to go there. You can see the windows. [00:56:34] Speaker E: Okay, I want to hit this one by the very ornate rug in the smaller people's room. [00:56:42] Speaker D: Through trial and error, Nashfang, Grim fang, whatever we call him, is able to find the weak spot and open up the passage to the next room. [00:56:54] Speaker B: Wait, okay, so this wasn't like I thought that this would be more like solving puzzles instead of just, like, brute forcing it through. [00:57:01] Speaker E: But is that ivy? The puzzle was violence. [00:57:06] Speaker B: I don't think the puzzle was violence. It sounds like the answer to the puzzle was violence. [00:57:13] Speaker E: And I don't see how those two things are different when I'm asserting dominance on a wall. Like a door without hinges. [00:57:22] Speaker A: Yeah, buddy. No, I like the energy. Master this house. Show it to his. [00:57:27] Speaker E: Okay, cool. Yeah. So now Kingslayer is feeling good about himself. Is there another wall that dares to stand before me? It will not stand for long. [00:57:39] Speaker D: You've destroyed many of the walls in this room at this point, but to your surprise, the wall that was vulnerable to your attacks in revealing the next passage was directly under the ram's head bust. [00:57:52] Speaker B: That makes sense. [00:57:54] Speaker D: Yep. So the next room has a snake motif carved into the floor. It is a long corridor dotted with these full length mirrors that sit just a foot and a half off the ground. [00:58:10] Speaker E: Oh, wait. I'm starting to remember some of the things I've been hearing about my new condition from ivy. We don't have reflections. Right? Maybe we're not supposed to be seen by the mirrors. Like, we scoot on the ground like a snake. [00:58:25] Speaker B: No, I said some vampires have issues with mirrors, like Maya, but no, we still definitely have. [00:58:38] Speaker A: Cool, cool. [00:58:39] Speaker E: I get out my phone, and I open up the notepad, and I write, vampires can have reflection. [00:58:49] Speaker D: And now erase that from your phone, because I get in trouble for this shit all the time. For just, like, saying that I like a smoothie. [00:58:56] Speaker E: Oh, yeah. I go back to my note app. I start deleting furiously and I make a new note. Make no more notes and delete this app. [00:59:06] Speaker A: You didn't go over the first rule, did you? [00:59:09] Speaker B: No, we did. A lot, actually, and frequently. [00:59:12] Speaker E: There's a lot of first rules. I'm sorry. [00:59:15] Speaker B: No, there's literally one first rule. [00:59:17] Speaker E: What's the first rule again? [00:59:18] Speaker B: Don't tell people you're a vampire. [00:59:21] Speaker E: My phone is not a person. [00:59:23] Speaker D: And these paranoid old vamp, they don't want us using technology at all. So that puts me in an awkward position, and it pisses me off. But that's neither here nor there. [00:59:33] Speaker E: Yeah. [00:59:34] Speaker D: Snake room. [00:59:36] Speaker B: Yeah. So you have, like, five mirrors and two of them are broken. What's the deal with those? [00:59:44] Speaker D: Well, only one is broken, and that's the one tipped over onto the floor. It does actually have a little bit of blood leading towards it. The rest seem to be rather pristine. [00:59:57] Speaker B: Where's the blood leading to it? Where is it coming from? [01:00:02] Speaker D: Did you want to give me a survival role for that? [01:00:06] Speaker B: I don't have ten. I don't have very good survival skills. [01:00:13] Speaker D: Yeah, that has a lot to do with tracking. Warlocks are more magic based. If you all had a ranger, that would help. But you don't. [01:00:22] Speaker B: Why didn't you give us a ranger? [01:00:24] Speaker D: I thought, honestly, that a healer and a couple of damage dealers would do fine for all of you, but I guess I was wrong. Regardless, you cannot spot where the blood is really coming from, but you can tell that there has been someone in this room recently. [01:00:41] Speaker A: Well, yeah, they get hit with the axe. [01:00:45] Speaker B: Wait, is he bleeding? [01:00:47] Speaker D: He's not bleeding. Okay, he's fine. [01:00:51] Speaker B: Can I move this rug? There's, like, on the map, there's, like, a rug? [01:00:56] Speaker D: I mean, if you want to. [01:00:58] Speaker B: If the snake stuff is, like, carved into the floor. I don't know, maybe the rug. Maybe there's something under the rug. [01:01:06] Speaker D: Really important question on my end. Do you stand in front of the mirrors to do this? [01:01:12] Speaker B: Okay, when you ask it like that, you have to understand that part of me just wants to say no because it sounds really questionable. [01:01:26] Speaker D: Let me rephrase then. In order to move this rug, I'm going to have to ask that you stand in front of the mirror, but you're totally welcome to. I don't want to take away your player agency. [01:01:36] Speaker B: Fine. I guess I will stand in front of the mirror. [01:01:39] Speaker D: Can you give me a willpower saving throw, please? [01:01:44] Speaker B: What's a willpower saving? I don't have willpower on this sheet. [01:01:49] Speaker D: Oh, right. No, the wrong game. Sorry. Wisdom. Saving throw. [01:01:53] Speaker B: Wisdom. All right. Okay, that's a 22. That sounds pretty good to me. [01:02:01] Speaker D: So, you stand in front of these mirrors and something catches your eye. A snake begins to fall from the sneeling, but only in the mirror, not in the real world. And your reflection manages to sidestep it just enough so that it doesn't land on you and bite you. [01:02:20] Speaker B: Oh, okay. Hold on. All right. I think I understand why this one mirror is tipped over and broken. It kind of seems like looking into the mirrors or seeing anything with the mirrors is, like, a bad idea. Are we able to tip over the other mirrors so we can walk across the room? Because it looks like there's a door on the other side of this room, right? [01:02:48] Speaker D: There is? Yes. You can attempt to use strength to tip over the mirrors. [01:02:53] Speaker B: Alex? [01:02:54] Speaker E: Yeah? [01:02:56] Speaker A: Can you wait, there's another one. I got to ask, because does she tell us about the mirrors, or does she hoard the knowledge like a secret that no one else gets to know? That way she can leverage it for power for thousands. [01:03:06] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Of course I would tell you. Obviously, I would tell you. [01:03:11] Speaker A: I mean, forgive me for thinking you might not. [01:03:13] Speaker C: Oh, yes. It is so obvious that a tremendous. [01:03:16] Speaker B: No, you know what? You know what? I'm not. No, you know what? Just for that attitude, I'm not going to tell you. You can go and do make your wisdom saving throw and not get bitten by the snake yourselves. [01:03:27] Speaker D: Good luck. [01:03:28] Speaker E: But I can still smash it in a minute. [01:03:31] Speaker B: Let's see if they make their roles. [01:03:34] Speaker A: Well, I mean, as someone who's not an idiot, I think I would. I have noticed anything strange about the way that raven McDark magic walks past the. [01:03:43] Speaker B: I feel like you are an idiot, but that's fine. [01:03:46] Speaker D: I don't know. How do you pass through these mirrors? Do you speed up or do you immediately back out of the snake attack mirrors? [01:03:53] Speaker A: I mean. Well, I'm asking because if I noticed in some way that she had stumbled into the mirror, maybe spent some time with it, if I could pick up a clue that something was amiss, I would actually use my cape to hold it between me and the mirror and keep my eyes away from seeing what's in the reflection. [01:04:11] Speaker D: That would work for the later mirrors, as there's not as many, but the first one, you can only shield one side of yourself. [01:04:20] Speaker A: Shit. All right, what do I see? Snakes. [01:04:25] Speaker D: Give me a wisdom saving throw, please. [01:04:29] Speaker A: I don't suppose that instead of wisdom, I could rely on my abundance of self confidence, because my wisdom is not. [01:04:36] Speaker D: I'm afraid not. [01:04:37] Speaker B: Oh, I'm shocked. Charles isn't very wise. [01:04:42] Speaker A: I got a 22. Two. I got two. [01:04:48] Speaker D: That looks like a two, Charles. And because it's only a two and you fail to make the difficulty check, you take. And at this point, I'll roll a d six and look immediately disappointed by the number that pops up. One psychic damage as one of the snakes falls, bites you. [01:05:08] Speaker A: Does it feel like an actual snake is biting me? Do I need to freak out? [01:05:12] Speaker D: It does, actually, but there's no actual snake biting you. It's just happening in your reflection. [01:05:19] Speaker A: Oh. But I'm still going to try to grab the snake off me and freak and be like, oh, fuck, a snake. I'm getting eaten by a snake. Oh, fuck. [01:05:26] Speaker D: Everyone hears this. [01:05:28] Speaker E: So, Ivy, I say, kind of rubbing my ear, can I smash now? [01:05:35] Speaker B: Yeah, I think if you could go ahead. I point to the mirror that's on the same side as the one that's currently on the ground. I think if you go ahead and smash that one or knock that one over first, we would be able to get by shielding our eyes in the mirror and all that stuff that Charles was getting on about. [01:05:57] Speaker E: I now getting the okay to go do the thing. A smile begins to cross my face as my head starts to nod in rhythm with the excitement. I then turn to the VM. Okay, so Kingslayer grabs his great axe, and with a great smile on his face, he shouts, hippity hoppity. Time to fuck up some property. And I just start going wild, wrecking everything in sight. [01:06:24] Speaker D: Give me another strength. Roll. [01:06:27] Speaker E: Okay, will do. My joyous face that stretches wide like a childish grin immediately deflates like someone stabbed a beach ball. VM, I got an eight. [01:06:42] Speaker D: That's fine. They're mirrors. It's not like they're going anywhere. However, there is going to be a slight complication as you, in your overzealous attacking of this property, knock the mirrors over. The shards of glass clatter to the floor in all different directions. [01:07:01] Speaker A: Oh, God. They don't hit me, right? Because I'm just under the snake. [01:07:05] Speaker D: They don't hit you. But I don't want to say you all failed the puzzle. Walking across this room is going to take a wisdom saving throw from all of you, because there's just too many shards of glass to contend with at this point, unless you painstakingly picked up each one and tried to avoid the snakes in the other side of the reflection. [01:07:27] Speaker A: Well, I mean, wait. Because now that I know how it works, I'm assuming I figured out by now unlike. I mean, maybe I am as big an idiot as she thinks I am, but I would like to think that eventually I'll realize there's no snake on me. Right? [01:07:39] Speaker D: Yeah, you would figure that out pretty quickly. [01:07:42] Speaker A: So knowing where the door is and also how rooms work, I could definitely walk up against the side of the room and then going back, covering my face with the cape, and then inch my way along to the door without encountering any broken glass. Right. [01:07:57] Speaker D: In theory. Trying to think of what kind of role I would like for that. Let's go with athletics. [01:08:05] Speaker A: If I do it really stylishly, can I use acrobatics instead? [01:08:09] Speaker D: Sure. I will allow that. [01:08:12] Speaker A: Okay, look, I don't know what kind of weird, trimier, cursed bullshit you've done to these dice, Ivy, but I don't appreciate. [01:08:17] Speaker B: Oh, not rolling. [01:08:19] Speaker A: Well, yeah, when you say like that, it really doesn't do anything to diminish my theory and think that you're fucking with me here. Right. [01:08:28] Speaker B: No, I get that. [01:08:29] Speaker D: Yeah. [01:08:30] Speaker A: Letting the angry gaze wash off my face as I turn to Schmendrick, who I don't hate, I will say I get a nine. [01:08:38] Speaker D: Please give me that wisdom saving throw. [01:08:41] Speaker A: Some fucking bullshit. And I will stare directly at Ivy while I roll the dice. But I'm making a very exaggerated jerking off motion to shake them in my hand. [01:08:51] Speaker B: I just cock my head and just blow you a kiss as you do it. [01:08:55] Speaker A: An eight. [01:08:58] Speaker D: So, Charles, at this point, you're kind of shimmying across the room when you notice the reflection of a snake coming towards you. What are you doing? Are you going to run the rest of the room or are you going to backtrack? [01:09:14] Speaker A: Oh, there's no way. But forward at this point. I will charge forward and then again, flailing, quite embarrassingly, thanks to some people who cursed ice trying to get this fucking snake off me. [01:09:28] Speaker C: Do I still make a roll because Alex broke the mirror? [01:09:34] Speaker D: Yes. Everyone crossing this room now needs to make a wisdom saving throw. [01:09:38] Speaker A: Okay, I'm legitimately pissed because that was a good idea. And I have Maya luck. [01:09:43] Speaker B: I know, I'm so sorry. [01:09:45] Speaker C: I got a five. [01:09:50] Speaker B: I actually have a spell I was wondering if I could use. [01:09:54] Speaker D: What sort of spell is that? [01:09:58] Speaker B: I have a spell called misty step. So it says that I can just teleport up to 30ft away. [01:10:07] Speaker D: That would get you through this room. [01:10:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:10:10] Speaker D: Cool. [01:10:10] Speaker B: And I don't have to make that roll. I just say I'm going to do it and then I do it. [01:10:16] Speaker D: Yes. [01:10:17] Speaker E: Cool. [01:10:18] Speaker B: Then I'm going to do that. [01:10:20] Speaker D: Awesome. In that case, Charles, you take two more psychic damage as you traverse the room. Joshua, you will take five psychic damage as several of these little snakes jump out from the shards of glass and start biting your reflection. But you manage to cross as well. That leaves Alex. How is your character going to head across this? [01:10:44] Speaker E: You know, I believe as the leader of my people of Dragonborn in the community of Barnini, sometimes the best answer is just one point between two. I'm just going to run right through it. I'm just going to go right through it. [01:11:01] Speaker D: Give me that wisdom saving throw. [01:11:04] Speaker E: Okay, so what's it mean when it's only a one? [01:11:10] Speaker D: Not good. It means you've critically failed. But this isn't a scenario where I'll double that damage. You're safe for the moment. [01:11:19] Speaker A: Okay. What the fuck? [01:11:21] Speaker D: You will, however, take five damage. [01:11:25] Speaker E: Oh, okay, yeah, I can do that. [01:11:27] Speaker C: No. What kind of wounds do these snakes. [01:11:30] Speaker D: Leave on your body? It does not leave any wounds at all. This is psychic damage purely within your own mind. [01:11:38] Speaker C: So brain damage? [01:11:41] Speaker D: That's not what I would call it. It's more spiritual. [01:11:45] Speaker E: So I think I've taken five damage. [01:11:48] Speaker C: Okay, well, if I only think I've taken five damage, can't I just realize that I haven't and be okay? [01:11:57] Speaker B: Does anybody have psychotherapy? We could just convince ourselves that we haven't. [01:12:03] Speaker E: I have muscles. I can hug away the pain, if that helps. [01:12:07] Speaker A: I mean, I have persuasion. I could convince everyone who's not a bitch that there wasn't actually snakes. [01:12:13] Speaker B: I didn't take any damage, so I don't need to be persuaded. [01:12:17] Speaker D: You all manage to get into the study in your own unique ways. It seems to be a lot of flailing. [01:12:24] Speaker B: Raven Darkheart does not flail. [01:12:27] Speaker D: No, she poses when she gets sucked into the inky blackness. I remember this absolutely. [01:12:32] Speaker B: So, like, with the misty step, it's kind of the same energy where I just kind of like, strike a pose, step forward, and then boom, I'm on the other side of the room. [01:12:42] Speaker D: Very well. In this room, there is a desk with a couple of letters, books, that sort of desk like things. And above the desk itself is this other tapestry with an o written on it. [01:12:56] Speaker B: Does the bear on the map have anything to do with this room? I'm just asking because there was like a ram in the first one and then like a snake in the second one. So like a bear in the third one. [01:13:08] Speaker D: No, that is literally just a bear skin rug. Nothing really of note here. There is a door that leads out. [01:13:16] Speaker A: To the northwest this desk, there's stuff on it that I could rifle through. Anything on top drawers? [01:13:25] Speaker D: There is. Do you want to give me an investigation? [01:13:28] Speaker A: Role 13. [01:13:31] Speaker D: Not too shabby. You will find a couple of curious things on this desk, there is a missive that looks as though it was hastily scrawled by someone, as well as a book that says, oh, fuck. [01:13:46] Speaker A: I know better than to read books just like Willy nilly. I'm not going to crack that fucker open. And look, that's how you get cursed. [01:13:51] Speaker B: Okay, well, I'll read it. [01:13:53] Speaker D: Along the spine of the book. It reads, angels and their corporeal forms. [01:13:58] Speaker B: Am I allowed to touch that? As a warlock who's made a pact with a demon, of course. [01:14:05] Speaker D: Demons. Not going to bar you from reading books. [01:14:08] Speaker B: No, I wasn't sure if. Because angels and demons. I wasn't sure if there was, like, a thing. [01:14:15] Speaker D: No, you can read it just fine. It seems to have been penned by the human hand, so it shouldn't be an issue. The missive reads, the lady is not what she seems. She's been having us toil around the clock to God knows what evil ends. I snuck into her study and the door locked behind me, and now I'm unable to get out. I expect she will find me soon, and when she does, I am unsure of what will happen. I need to find a way out of here. And if I don't, it is my dying wish that this letter finds my sweet Abigail. Know that I loved you with all of my heart. [01:14:49] Speaker C: What did I fucking say? [01:14:52] Speaker A: Can I tell if Raven wants to read the book that I'm holding? Does it appear like she's interested in the book? [01:14:59] Speaker B: Well, of course it's a book. Why wouldn't I be interested in the book? [01:15:02] Speaker A: Okay, in that case, I'm not going to let her read it. But I know a lot about religion, so having heard about the woman, the manor being perhaps a bitch, can I flip through, maybe scan through the book and see if there's anything that ties those two things together? [01:15:19] Speaker D: I would need a arcana roll from you to kind of skim this book. [01:15:24] Speaker B: Which I can make. [01:15:27] Speaker D: That's an eight at surface level glance of this thing. It is a lot of very wordy explanation of angels and not a whole lot of it makes sense to you. [01:15:39] Speaker A: Boring. And I throw it back on the floor. [01:15:43] Speaker E: Look at it this way, right? So if the person who's doing this whole thing is untrustworthy and she's going to give up her throne anyway, then maybe this means we get to kill her. [01:15:56] Speaker A: Oh, you're going to feel that energy a lot as you get older, kid. [01:16:00] Speaker E: Oh, okay. Kind of worried, kind of excited. [01:16:05] Speaker A: You'll learn to love it. [01:16:07] Speaker E: I can sense a darkness kind of in the back of my mind. I'm not really paying attention to the game right now, but I'm paying attention to something more sinister in the back of my head. I have to shake that loose. Okay, so the papers are boring. Have we tried smashing more? That seems to work so far. [01:16:30] Speaker A: Okay, kids, you have to stop saying it like that. I'm running it. I've stopped myself. So if you could not want to smash Ivy and just not smash generally, because eventually it's just going to come out of me and I can't be held accountable at that point. [01:16:45] Speaker B: Can I try opening the door? I know the missive made it seem like it was locked, but I'm just going to. Can I try and open the door? [01:16:55] Speaker D: Whatever kept this door locked before, it is no longer locked. So you're able to open it quite easily. And you see the upper staircase. Okay. [01:17:07] Speaker B: As soon as the door opens, I'm just going to kind of gesture at it and I'm going to wait until people leave before going back to check the book because I don't want to go for it now because I don't want to give Bartholius a reason to try and stop me. [01:17:28] Speaker D: Sure, that's perfectly okay. I will describe the next room. There are some guards that you saw, very similar to the ones that were downstairs, but also you kind of get this immediate bizarre humming sound. You're not entirely sure what that's coming from. [01:17:48] Speaker A: I would like to turn invisible and walk out into the halls. [01:17:53] Speaker D: Charles, you can't turn invisible. Not yet. I think that's a higher level spell. [01:17:58] Speaker A: Bullshit. I can't and I obfuscate. [01:18:03] Speaker E: Oh, wait, can I do that? Genuinely, I don't know what I can do yet. [01:18:10] Speaker B: As a vampire, probably not. [01:18:14] Speaker C: I'm not going to lie. Now that it's happened, I think the only worse thing than seeing Charles is not being able to see Charles. [01:18:25] Speaker A: So as Josh says that actually I will break obfuscation because I'm holding a snickel in my hand and then just rubbing it softly against Ivy's cheek. But I'm looking at Josh and I say, why say that? [01:18:39] Speaker B: Oh, God. I raise a hand and just start pushing the snickel and Charles's hand away from me. [01:18:47] Speaker A: No. You don't like. [01:18:48] Speaker B: No, no, not really. I don't like you rubbing things against my face. [01:18:54] Speaker D: Charles, keep your snickle to yourself and sit back down. [01:18:57] Speaker A: Fine. Okay. Well, I can't turn invisible. Can I sneak? Can I? Be subtle and give me a stealth roll? 20. Plus my skill here. 24. [01:19:12] Speaker D: That's a perfect role. Yeah. You're able to sneak around here without issue. The guards don't notice you. And at first, you're kind of like, this is because I am so skilled at my craft. But then you realize they're not actually real. There's no one in there. It's just a vacant suit of armor. Though it looks very convincing. [01:19:35] Speaker A: And do I see this guy here? And I will point on the map where there is apparently two halves of a dead body. [01:19:44] Speaker D: Yes, you do. That's actually one of the nobles you witnessed earlier. [01:19:48] Speaker A: Oh, God. It's not big tits, is it? [01:19:50] Speaker D: It's not big tits. [01:19:51] Speaker A: Oh, thank God. Oh, no. [01:19:54] Speaker E: Was it my dwarf friend? I was going to fight him. [01:19:57] Speaker D: It's not him, either. You can try and give me a history role to find out who this poor individual was. [01:20:03] Speaker E: Ooh, I am not good at history. [01:20:05] Speaker A: I got your back. I've got an 18. [01:20:09] Speaker E: Ooh, I got a critical. I got the big 20, but with the minus one. So it's 19, but it's still critical, right? [01:20:17] Speaker A: Oh, I'll let him have this moment because I'm sure this is the only fact this kid knows. [01:20:22] Speaker E: That is an easy, easy assessment to. [01:20:24] Speaker D: Make, Alex, your character recognizes this man as Tulio Demarc. And the demarcs are known shipbuilders. They're very busy and fulfill a lot of contracts, very well made vessels from their family. It's kind of surprising that Tulio was able to find time away from his family to do this kind of fortune, of fame, competition. But I guess when royalty is on the line, that's where you go. [01:20:56] Speaker E: Okay, great. [01:20:57] Speaker A: Thank you. [01:20:58] Speaker E: Pm. So I say in character. This is the house builder, the boat builder. He would make great crafts that my people would sail far and wide on. But he must have been summoned. And even though he never gets free time, he made the time for the competition. And Barnini. Damn it. He's already dead. [01:21:26] Speaker A: Can I tell what killed this guy? [01:21:28] Speaker D: Give me a medicine. [01:21:29] Speaker A: Roll four. [01:21:32] Speaker D: Yeah. You had a really good role earlier, but it seems as though your dice are back to being hexed. [01:21:39] Speaker A: Yeah, I had a good role as opposed to many good roles. And I'll turn to Ivy. You wouldn't know anything about that. You're sure? You wouldn't lie your friend Charles, would you? [01:21:47] Speaker B: No, of course not. [01:21:50] Speaker C: I kind of struck my chin and say, can I try to take a look at him also? [01:21:56] Speaker D: Of course, it's clear that Bartholius is not getting anywhere with the body. That came out wrong. Just give me a medicine roll. [01:22:07] Speaker C: I got a 17. [01:22:09] Speaker D: So, what you find out about this fellow is it seems to have been that he's fallen from a great height. [01:22:17] Speaker C: How high is the ceiling? [01:22:20] Speaker D: Not high enough to do this sort of damage. [01:22:24] Speaker C: Is there any kind of hole in the ceiling where it looks like he's come through? [01:22:28] Speaker D: No. That's really weird. [01:22:31] Speaker C: The two guards here, do they appear to be, like, the same as the ones downstairs? [01:22:39] Speaker D: Yes, exactly the same. [01:22:42] Speaker C: So the ones downstairs were fake, too? [01:22:44] Speaker D: Yes. [01:22:45] Speaker C: So I could have just walked past them? [01:22:49] Speaker D: You could have. [01:22:50] Speaker C: I tucked that information away from this situation. [01:22:56] Speaker D: You have a couple of options. You can either go downstairs towards the humming noise or you can go to a room on the east or a room on the west. [01:23:06] Speaker B: Did I get anything from the book? [01:23:09] Speaker D: Give me an arcana roll. [01:23:11] Speaker B: All right. See if I can do this better than Charles. I can't. [01:23:18] Speaker D: More of the same. It's a whole lot of research. A lot of things you don't entirely understand, given time and concentration. Probably. But right now, it doesn't mean a whole lot to you. [01:23:33] Speaker B: What can you tell me about the spot with the o on the wall? [01:23:38] Speaker D: It's just another tapestry like you saw in the other room. [01:23:43] Speaker B: Is there anything weird about it? [01:23:47] Speaker D: Give me an investigation. Role 13. Not bad. Not good enough to really put the pieces together. But it doesn't seem to have anything weird about it. [01:24:02] Speaker A: So, what about this door next to our friend here? Our definistrated friend here. [01:24:09] Speaker D: Do you enter through that door? [01:24:12] Speaker A: At this point, this house is getting kind of creepy. Maybe I put an ear up against the door and listen to see if there's someone being hurled out of a tall place inside. [01:24:22] Speaker D: Give me a perception roll. [01:24:24] Speaker A: Okay, you know what? This is bullshit. One, that's a five. Two. And I reach over and I swap my dice with Ivy's. [01:24:34] Speaker B: What does it matter? It's just dice. Dice is dice. [01:24:37] Speaker D: Exactly. [01:24:38] Speaker A: What someone who would curse my dice would say. If it's not a problem, if they're not cursed, then why would you care if we swapped? [01:24:43] Speaker B: You know what? Because I don't know where you've been. Or worse. I know a little bit about where you've been, but fine, whatever. Fine. Have the dice. [01:24:56] Speaker D: Do you enter this room? Because, I'll be honest, you don't hear anything from the other side of the door? [01:25:02] Speaker A: Well, of course I'm entering the room. I don't hear anything. It's definitely safe. I'm going to open the door. [01:25:06] Speaker D: When you open this door, you enter a lavish bedroom. There is the faint sounds of a violin being played somewhere in this room. But it's difficult to pinpoint whether or not they are here or just some sort of residual noise from somewhere else in the house. [01:25:23] Speaker A: Do I recognize the song? [01:25:25] Speaker D: It's very discordant. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense musically, but it is definitely a violin playing. [01:25:33] Speaker C: Is it coming from the violin on the table? [01:25:36] Speaker D: No. But, yes. Perhaps it came from this violin on the table at a different point in time. [01:25:49] Speaker A: Is that desk you've got here and then that chest. Are those real? [01:25:53] Speaker D: Yeah. Everything in this room is completely real. There is actually also a trap door right beside that desk. [01:26:00] Speaker A: Oh, well, fuck. If it's trapped, I'm not opening it. [01:26:03] Speaker E: Oh, I can open it. [01:26:05] Speaker A: She just said it was trapped. [01:26:07] Speaker D: It's not actually trapped. It's a trap door. [01:26:10] Speaker E: Yeah, it's like you needed to go downstairs, right? So Kingslayer enters the room mightily, and I grab the trap door and then throw it open with my mighty strength. [01:26:24] Speaker D: Before you is a staircase that leads downstairs. [01:26:28] Speaker E: Hey, everyone, I found a staircase. [01:26:30] Speaker B: Yeah, I found a staircase, too. It's in the hallway. [01:26:33] Speaker E: Yeah, but this is a secret one, so it's, like, a little better. [01:26:38] Speaker B: Okay, well, there's another door over here. Before anybody goes down any staircases, can I go in this door on the right side? [01:26:48] Speaker C: I'm sorry, but what should I roll for? To see if I know of any people or monsters or effects that might distort time? [01:27:01] Speaker D: Give me an arcana roll. [01:27:03] Speaker C: I got a six. [01:27:06] Speaker D: Nothing immediately comes to mind. [01:27:11] Speaker A: Okay, wait. Can we just ask the person who would obviously know about evil and I look at the premiere? [01:27:18] Speaker B: If you want me to roll an arcana check, you're going to have to ask nicely. [01:27:24] Speaker A: I don't know. I'm not asking you shit. I'm just saying, hypothetically, someone else who did know and could tolerate hearing your voice, I would have that person ask. [01:27:34] Speaker D: Josh, what's your bonus on religious? [01:27:37] Speaker C: Uh, a two. [01:27:40] Speaker D: Okay, so that still doesn't bring you up high enough if I got you to roll that instead. So, yeah, you still don't know anything. [01:27:47] Speaker A: Okay. Hey, wait. I know some religion stuff. Can I. This guy Charles. Sorry, Mr. Charleston. Soon to be Lord Charleston, give that a roll. I don't even report the result. It's a 6th, but I don't say that out loud. I just lean back in the chair and cross my arms. [01:28:05] Speaker B: I just kind of shake my head and gesture at the dice. [01:28:09] Speaker D: It seems as though you can't think of anything either that would cause this sort of strange time distortion. But I am curious. Have you begun to refer to yourself as Lord Charleston out loud? [01:28:22] Speaker A: Well, I mean, when you ask it like that, it says to me, Charles, that would be a terrible idea. But, I mean, why not? [01:28:30] Speaker D: So are you just kind of talking to yourself in the third person? I need kind of context here. [01:28:39] Speaker A: Well, then I would probably say something like, you know, when I am Lord Charleston, I'm not going to put up with any of this bullshit. No fucking secret houses, no magic stuff. It's going to be a pretty simple contest. Like, either, I don't know, like, jack off a horse or drink all this keg of know things that don't require people to play these kind of games. [01:28:58] Speaker D: When you say these sorts of things, the house actively kind of groans and shudders. [01:29:04] Speaker B: Same, though. House, same. [01:29:07] Speaker A: Wait, like, in a good way? [01:29:08] Speaker D: It's hard to tell with a house. [01:29:11] Speaker B: Ew. [01:29:15] Speaker D: If you're trying to seduce the house, I can tell you right now it's not going to work. [01:29:20] Speaker A: Not with these fucking dice, it won't. [01:29:22] Speaker C: I think I've got it. [01:29:24] Speaker B: Can I please go in this other door? [01:29:28] Speaker D: Yes. Okay. Let's resolve this room first, and then, Josh, I will love to hear your plan. [01:29:35] Speaker A: Well, I'll give it a couple more. Good Lord Charleston's maybe one time with, like, a nice hip thrust, and another time a salute. Just trying to see if anything changes. [01:29:44] Speaker D: Nothing really changes. It's still kind of the same reaction each time you use the word lord. [01:29:52] Speaker B: Every time we get a reaction from the house, does it kind of feel like the house is, like, maybe rolling its eyes? [01:29:58] Speaker D: No. [01:30:00] Speaker B: Sure? [01:30:02] Speaker A: All right, well, I'm going down the secret staircase. But first, I think a little miss impatient over here has something she really wants to talk about. [01:30:08] Speaker B: Yeah, the other room that you just ignored. [01:30:11] Speaker D: So in this other room, it's not entirely remarkable. It's very much like the other lavish bedroom on the other side of the house. However, there is a woman collapsed out of a mirror. She's kind of halfway stuck into it. [01:30:28] Speaker A: Which half? [01:30:29] Speaker D: Charles. [01:30:30] Speaker A: Asking for a friend, asking for you. [01:30:33] Speaker D: Bottom half is stuck in the mirror. [01:30:38] Speaker B: Do not. I put up my hand. Do not. Do not. We are schmendrick. Please continue. [01:30:48] Speaker D: She's dead. [01:30:50] Speaker B: I continue to put my hand up in front of Charles's face because I know that that fact would change nothing. [01:30:57] Speaker D: That's really all you can tell without some sort of medicine role or something like that. [01:31:02] Speaker B: Okay, I don't have really good medicine, but it feels like Arcana would make sense because it's a magic mirror, right? Could I make that argument? [01:31:16] Speaker D: Sure. Give me an arcana roll. [01:31:19] Speaker B: Oh, hey, look at that. I got a 22 with Charles dice. [01:31:23] Speaker A: I immediately swap the dice back. [01:31:25] Speaker E: Now, I'm just going to put $5 on this table. And, Charles, when you roll another one, I'm going to put it back in my pocket. But if you roll, like, I don't know, a 15, you can have it. [01:31:38] Speaker D: Ivy, in your mind, you begin. Or. Sorry. Raven darkheart begins to put the pieces together. The mirror room with the snake motif looked as though it was disturbed. There was blood on the floor. Mirrors had toppled over. You gather that this person failed the snake puzzle as well, but somehow managed to go into a mirror and emerge through this one. [01:32:04] Speaker B: Oh, no. How recent is the body? Like, how recently did she die? [01:32:12] Speaker D: About as long as you've all been in the house. Well, rather, when the arms took you down and teleported you into the other areas of the house, it looks like maybe it was five minutes after that if I wanted to give an exact number. [01:32:26] Speaker B: Okay, great. Well, clearly she's not the lady of the house, so it's fine. [01:32:33] Speaker C: But also, speaking of the lady of the house, we're all nobles from different provinces or states, right? [01:32:43] Speaker D: Yes, specifically of the country known as Florani. [01:32:48] Speaker C: Fantastic. And Raven squall was her name, correct? [01:32:53] Speaker D: Yes, she was from the northern country of Voris. [01:32:58] Speaker C: A different country or a different province? [01:33:02] Speaker D: A different country entirely. [01:33:04] Speaker C: It's all coming together now. She separated everyone intentionally because she understands that even the well born and the noble are much more of a threat when clumped together and allowed to talk. It's pretty clear that raven squall intends to usurp to take the throne of our country as well. But the only way she could do that is if she could move in through the provinces without opposition. With us out of these provinces, she's more or less free to move on the throne. [01:33:38] Speaker E: So you're saying that she put us all here as a ruse to then attack our homes and take our kingdoms? [01:33:48] Speaker C: More or less what I've been saying from the beginning, but yes. [01:33:52] Speaker E: That bitch. [01:33:53] Speaker C: This was never an intent to give someone the throne. The intent was always for everybody to die. [01:34:01] Speaker E: I was trying to be so nice to her. And you know what? Fuck it. If I find her, it's axe to the neck. [01:34:08] Speaker C: Agree? [01:34:09] Speaker B: Uh, hey, Schmendric. Uh, there. It looks like there's another door in that room that the boys were in. [01:34:15] Speaker D: There is. [01:34:16] Speaker C: Can I try to put my face in the mirror? [01:34:20] Speaker D: The snake mirror. [01:34:22] Speaker C: The one with the woman coming out of it. I want to see if I can crawl into the mirror. [01:34:27] Speaker A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. I mean, like, Josh, you. You. But remember, it wasn't that long ago that we broke all the mirrors up. So I'm just saying, like, if your face comes out to that mirror, it might come out in a whole bunch of different pieces. And, I mean, eventually, I'm going to need you to do some paladin shit, so I prefer if you didn't come out in that snake room in, like, 70,000 pieces. My dude. [01:34:44] Speaker C: Can I try to put my hand in the mirror? [01:34:47] Speaker D: It's the same result. Can you give me a wisdom saving throw? [01:34:51] Speaker A: You can lead a banu hakeem to water, but he'll probably just try to murder it for money. [01:34:56] Speaker E: It's true. [01:34:58] Speaker C: Murder it for money. Murder it for righteousness. I rolled an 18. [01:35:03] Speaker D: Yeah. You reach your hand in the mirror, you can actually see the other side of the snake room. And as you're kind of using this portal, you begin to witness the snakes coming for you. With that kind of wisdom, save, they don't manage to get to you in time. They don't manage to inflict that damage. But you get the feeling that continuing on this path isn't going to get you anywhere and probably just get you hurt. [01:35:31] Speaker C: Well, so much for that idea. [01:35:34] Speaker D: As for this room. This is a bathroom. Do you just open it? [01:35:40] Speaker B: Yes. [01:35:42] Speaker D: Okay. Inside is the noble woman, Emily, and she is kind of clutching her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth. She does seem to panic when you open the door. Oh, my God, there's people alive. [01:36:00] Speaker A: I mean, if I know one thing in this world, it's that panic. Attractive women are right in my wheelhouse, so I'm going to come up next. She's in the bathtub, you said? [01:36:10] Speaker D: Yes. She's in the bathtub in the fetal position. [01:36:14] Speaker A: So I'm going to lower myself down onto my knees and just like. Oh, hey. Yeah. Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. What happened? And just be really charming and a little cute. [01:36:25] Speaker D: She doesn't suspect that you are a major creep, and just kind of wipes the tears from her eyes and says, there were these phantom wolves. They went through the walls. I ran away. I've hidden here. They haven't found me, and. [01:36:41] Speaker A: Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you need me to check? [01:36:45] Speaker D: No, I'm okay. I had some potions on me and. [01:36:51] Speaker A: Charles asking here are wolves that can teleport through walls. Like a normal thing that exist? [01:36:58] Speaker D: Not really, no. [01:37:00] Speaker A: Okay. All right. [01:37:04] Speaker B: How long have you been here? [01:37:08] Speaker D: Not long. Like, maybe 30 minutes. I told you, I ran. I don't know. I just want to get out of here. And the windows are all dark. [01:37:20] Speaker A: Yeah, we're working on that. Definitely working on that. When the floor thing happened with the tentacles and little weirdness and that tickle you might not be used to. Were you with anybody? [01:37:32] Speaker D: Yeah, I was with Tulio Demarc. He was the boat builder. He tried to escape through a window, and I didn't see him again. He just yelled like he was falling, and he just vanished. [01:37:49] Speaker A: Yeah, man, that sounds not great. Well, for no reason connected to what you just said, I think it's best if you stay here for a second. But before that. I'm sorry I'm making you think about this. I'm normally not this kind of forward, and I would take a little more time to get to know you before I kind of pushed you on this kind of thing, but. [01:38:11] Speaker D: Oh, my gosh, Charles. [01:38:13] Speaker A: What? I'm just trying to be, like, in. Oh, come play my game. It's a boon you're cashing in. A boon? I'm making it worth your while. Okay, fine, schmendric. I just want to know where the wolves are. Where did she get Wolf attacked? [01:38:25] Speaker D: She replies, within the hall. The stairwell. [01:38:29] Speaker A: That hall. Then I point. [01:38:31] Speaker D: Yes. [01:38:34] Speaker A: Well, I'm sure a shit not going to walk her outside. Her friends right there. [01:38:38] Speaker B: Yeah, that's probably a. That's probably a very smart idea. Yeah. [01:38:43] Speaker D: It's going to take some convincing to get her out of the bathtub anyways. Great. [01:38:47] Speaker B: Then let's leave her there. Not my problem. [01:38:51] Speaker E: I'm pretty strong. If need be, I can carry her on my back. [01:38:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't know that that's going to be a great idea. Because when she sees her friend. What happened? I don't know a ton about traumatizing women, but I think that might do it. [01:39:05] Speaker B: You don't know a ton about traumatizing women? Really? [01:39:09] Speaker A: Excuse you. I'm a gentleman. I'm a nice gentleman. Small business owner. [01:39:17] Speaker B: Anyway. No, I don't know. It doesn't really sound like it's worth it to me. We clearly need to keep going and she's just going to hold us back. [01:39:30] Speaker A: What was that trap door situation, though? Because, I mean, so far as we know, the only other way out of here is down those stairs in the center, right? Yeah. [01:39:37] Speaker E: And the trap door has stairs going down too, but they're better stairs. [01:39:41] Speaker D: Yes. [01:39:44] Speaker B: Especially if there are spectral wolves. [01:39:49] Speaker A: God knows what else. Right. But if the house is trapped, there's got to be like a secret path that you can take without getting fucked up by the trap stuff, right? [01:39:56] Speaker B: I mean, any trap door. Just the word alone, right? [01:39:59] Speaker A: Right. Everyone in favor of trap door, raise your hand. [01:40:03] Speaker B: I raise my hand. [01:40:04] Speaker E: I raise my hand. [01:40:06] Speaker C: I raise my hand. [01:40:07] Speaker A: All right. Ladies first. [01:40:11] Speaker B: Thanks. I go over and I lift up the trap door. [01:40:16] Speaker D: In time, you all head down these stairs. They seem particularly long, like it takes a while to traverse them. You believe by the time you get there, you're somewhere on the first floor. But there is a rune covered passageway that says, speak the password and enter. [01:40:36] Speaker A: This is the thing from the beginning, the power word. Door. Oh, yeah, that's right. I don't know. Power word. [01:40:45] Speaker E: Oh, wait a minute. No, I think. Hold on. I think my God has prepared me for this. Friendship, friend. My arms are up in the air as I present each word from my dragon of love and friendship. [01:41:05] Speaker D: None of those passwords seem to work. [01:41:08] Speaker B: I think we already know the word throat job. [01:41:13] Speaker D: No, that word does not work either. Charles. What the fuck? [01:41:19] Speaker B: I push my way to the front of the group and stand in front of this door, striking another pose as Raven darkheart does. I clear my throat and dramatically reaching one arm out towards the door, proclaim, Lord. [01:41:36] Speaker D: The house shutters. The gate opens. A swirl of magical energy as you are greeted by a staircase leading down. There's the blast of heat as you get the feeling that wherever you're about to journey to isn't exactly normal. It is irregular. And the scent that comes off of this room has a little bit of sulfur to it. [01:42:03] Speaker B: Charles, wait. [01:42:05] Speaker E: Guys, are we going to hell? [01:42:08] Speaker B: Why did you have to say the word? [01:42:10] Speaker E: I mean, that's a real thing, right? Wait, do vampires go to hell? [01:42:16] Speaker A: Vampires don't die, bud. [01:42:18] Speaker E: Right. No, yeah, no, we definitely went over that. Yeah. [01:42:23] Speaker A: Tap my head with a tree root finger. Well, I mean, less Josh is around, but we don't get into that, right? [01:42:30] Speaker E: Oh, so, like, when you kill the bad vampire, do they go to hell or do they go to, like, vampire hell? [01:42:39] Speaker C: Clearly without intention or thought, like a small, private, personal grin shows up on Josh's face. Yeah, they go to hell. [01:42:55] Speaker E: Oh, shit. There's a. Hold on 1 second. I reach to get my phone, and then I say, no, Alex, remember, we're not taking notes on our phone anymore. [01:43:05] Speaker D: Do you all journey down into the depths? [01:43:08] Speaker B: Well, it's either that or stay uncomfortably close to everybody in this room, so. Yeah, of course. Ladies first. I will lead the way. [01:43:21] Speaker D: As you're kind of making this journey down below, you hear a woman's scream from somewhere upstairs relatively close by. [01:43:31] Speaker B: It doesn't happen to sound like that woman that we left in the bathroom, does it? [01:43:36] Speaker D: It sounds a lot like her. [01:43:37] Speaker B: Yes, sure. [01:43:38] Speaker A: Going to say 100%. I did want to hear her scream, but, like, not like. [01:43:42] Speaker B: But not like that. Yeah. [01:43:43] Speaker E: You lost bathroom noble. [01:43:45] Speaker B: Don't worry about it. [01:43:47] Speaker E: But I could have piggybacked her. It would have been fine. [01:43:51] Speaker B: So, anyway, what happens next? [01:43:55] Speaker D: You all head into this room that is swirling with arcane energies. There is a shifting mass in the center of it. At first, you kind of think it's a pillar of some sort, but you begin to realize that these are wings. They are white feathers, pristine white. And then underneath, you get kind of these glimpses of metallic stuff underneath armor. You're not sure, but whatever is happening right now, the pair of wings that are completely enveloping the center of this room aren't really moving or doing much. There are, however, four stone braziers about the room. They seem to be a bit out of place. [01:44:40] Speaker B: Well, then, obviously I'm going to go check them out. [01:44:45] Speaker D: How do you approach this brazier? [01:44:49] Speaker B: Slowly. I don't really get the question. [01:44:56] Speaker D: Okay, slowly is fine. As you begin to kind of approach closer and closer, the wings begin to unfurl and the creature is revealed. You would recognize it as being an angel, but it is marred. It is damaged horribly by whatever is going on in this house. [01:45:20] Speaker B: Raphael. [01:45:21] Speaker A: Different kind of angel. [01:45:23] Speaker B: Oh, sure. [01:45:25] Speaker D: It is disturbing to look at as well, because it has eyes in the palms of its hands and on the tips of its feathers. It seems to be watching you at every move. And before you can really react, it has pulled this fiery, blazing sword from its back. I'm going to need all of you to roll. Initiative. [01:45:48] Speaker B: What's initiative? [01:45:50] Speaker D: It determines whether or not you go first in battle. [01:45:54] Speaker A: I look at ivy. I make real close eye contact with her. I shield my dice, like turning my body to block her from being able to see them. And then I roll. [01:46:07] Speaker B: What did you. [01:46:09] Speaker A: Well, I looked down at the die, and I turned schmedric, and I put a hand up over my mouth so ivy can't see my lips moving. And I say, eleven. [01:46:22] Speaker D: I mean, Charles, this isn't a situation that you can really win. It just determines who gets to go first. [01:46:29] Speaker A: Yeah, but I don't want her to know about, you know, the thing. [01:46:32] Speaker B: Okay, I got four, I got a. [01:46:37] Speaker E: Three, I got a 16. [01:46:43] Speaker D: That means you are at the start of the pack, however, and I will pick up a d 20 at this point and toss it down onto the table. And it rolls onto the 19. The angel gets to go first. [01:46:57] Speaker E: Oh, fuck stick. This is going to be painful, isn't it? [01:47:02] Speaker D: Maybe. It charges across the room towards Raven darkheart and takes a swing with its flaming scimitar. Does a 13 or ten hit you? [01:47:18] Speaker B: A 13 will hit, but a ten won't. [01:47:22] Speaker D: All right, so as the blade hits you, you get four points of slashing damage, however it can once per turn. Deal. Three d ten psychic damage on top of that. [01:47:41] Speaker B: That doesn't feel fair. [01:47:44] Speaker D: So, with glee, I pick up three d ten, and I begin to shake them vigorously in my hand, and I roll them onto the table. And defying all probability, I roll two ones and a two. You take eight damage total. [01:48:02] Speaker B: Oh, thank God. This thing has Charles's dice luck. [01:48:06] Speaker A: I swear to God, I will lick your toes in your sleep. [01:48:09] Speaker B: I have on here it says I can cast a thing as a reaction. I have a spell called hellish rebuke. So it says, you point your finger, and the creature that damages you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. The creature must make a dexterity saving throw and takes two d ten on a failed save, or half as much on a successful 118 Succeeds. [01:48:38] Speaker D: Right. [01:48:40] Speaker B: Okay, well, it's only a 13 to pass, but that's okay because he still takes half damage. [01:48:47] Speaker D: All right, roll me that damage, then. [01:48:50] Speaker B: So that's ten. But he only takes half, so five. [01:48:54] Speaker D: Okay, I will record that. Yeah. [01:48:58] Speaker B: Suck it, angel. Oh, wait, hold on. It says I have to cast it at second level, so after it's halved, that's another three damage. So eight damage total. [01:49:12] Speaker D: Very nice. Okay, I will adjust that. That brings the turn order to Nashfang Kingslayer. [01:49:21] Speaker E: Okay, so I look at this angel, and I say, you can't do that. She's a nice lady. And then I enter a rage, and I'm going to smash his fucking face in. [01:49:41] Speaker A: Let's see. [01:49:44] Speaker E: Can I use my ability called reckless attack? Basically, I get advantage just to make sure I hit this guy. [01:49:49] Speaker D: Of course. That's what it's there for. [01:49:52] Speaker E: Awesome. Then that's going to be a 24. [01:49:56] Speaker D: To hit roll damage that easily goes past his armor class. [01:50:01] Speaker B: Great. [01:50:02] Speaker E: I do 13 damage with my mighty great axe. [01:50:07] Speaker D: Your axe comes down on this creature its eyes spinning around to meet your gaze. I guess it doesn't really block or put up a fight. Your axe easily cuts through the armor into the creature itself, and blood, quote unquote, begins to trickle down onto the floor. That brings the initiative to Charles. What is Bartholius doing? [01:50:35] Speaker A: Well, I'm not going to stand for this shit. I don't really care if she kills other people here, but I got a lordship to get to, so at the very least, the angel has to die in some way. So I'm going to do mama. The first thing is I'm going to pull out my dagger and I'm going to charge at this creature and try to get my stab on. You know what I mean? [01:50:56] Speaker D: Give me a stab roll, Ivy. [01:51:00] Speaker A: Sorry, brain's a little fuzzy. Math not working. Can you tell me what that, um. [01:51:06] Speaker B: Your math is a little fuzzy, so you can't read numerals? [01:51:10] Speaker A: Toes, Ivy. You think about your toes. Consider your toes. [01:51:17] Speaker B: That's a 20. [01:51:19] Speaker A: And now I'm just remembering from previous conversation that we had. Schmendrick, when you roll a 20, I think the word I'm looking for is a critical hit. [01:51:28] Speaker D: That is a critical, yes. So you get to double your damage. Feel free to roll that. [01:51:34] Speaker A: So help me God, if I roll a one on this dice, I'm going to flip this fucking table over. You understand me, right? [01:51:40] Speaker D: Yeah, but try not to bang the place up too much. The people that own this place are going to be back tomorrow, and I'd rather they didn't know I was here. [01:51:48] Speaker A: So I pick up the pyramid, die. And honestly, I'm a little nervous. I'm not letting it show through bad. But if you read my eyes, I'm just like, oh, God, it's all on the line. So I throw it down on the table, and then I don't report that result either, because I am leaping up out of my chair and hip thrusting to victory, just going, four, four, and I can do a bonus action, right? [01:52:16] Speaker D: Yeah, that's right. [01:52:17] Speaker A: All right, well, I mean, I understand that it's going to be really hard to top a critical hit with Max damage. I get that. But I'm going to let the kid have some bardic inspiration. So I look over, shouting above the sounds of battle to grim, and I say, there once was a rager named Grimm whose intellect was unfortunately slim, but he's strong and he's pretty, and this situation is shitty. So rip this bitch limb from fucking limb. [01:52:48] Speaker E: I feel truly inspired now. Thank you. [01:52:51] Speaker D: Well, that was actually kind of inspirational. You're better barred than I thought you'd be, Charles. [01:52:58] Speaker A: I take a deep, self satisfied bow and return to my chair. [01:53:03] Speaker D: But also, Charles, as an orc, you have something called savage attacks. So, do you want to give me another d four roll on top of your daggered damage? [01:53:14] Speaker A: Oh, do I ever. And then I'm just hip thrifting again. [01:53:18] Speaker D: Four. Four. [01:53:21] Speaker A: I'm going to take this home, dice. I'm going to marry it. You don't need this. Right, shrimp? I can keep it. [01:53:26] Speaker D: You know what? You can keep those. I don't think I want them anymore. [01:53:31] Speaker B: No. [01:53:32] Speaker A: This little sharp man is my new. [01:53:34] Speaker D: Best friend, Raven Darkheart, it is your turn. This thing is still up in your face. Flaming sword inches away from just searing. [01:53:44] Speaker B: You, on principle rude, I am going to use my eldritch blast 22. [01:53:58] Speaker D: That'll hit roll me damage. [01:54:00] Speaker B: Oof. That's sad. That's four damage. [01:54:08] Speaker D: You can see some of the feathers singe as your eldritch blast manage to impact. [01:54:14] Speaker B: Okay. All right, cool. [01:54:17] Speaker D: Anything else for your turn? [01:54:20] Speaker B: Am I able to run away? Just not out of the room. But when he decides to swing that sword again, I would like it to not be at me. So I'm just going to be farther away from him. [01:54:36] Speaker D: So as you back up, he is going to take an attack of opportunity on you. [01:54:42] Speaker B: Wait, what? How is that fair? [01:54:44] Speaker D: It's part of the rules. What? No. When you back up without the disengage action, they get to attack you. [01:54:52] Speaker B: You didn't tell me that. [01:54:55] Speaker D: Well, and I pick up the d 20, and I clatter it down onto the table and it lands on a three. [01:55:02] Speaker B: Okay, well, a three doesn't hit anyway, so suck it. [01:55:06] Speaker D: I'll get you. Maybe not. Maybe not now. Maybe not today. I'll get you for. [01:55:13] Speaker B: Mm hmm. [01:55:15] Speaker D: That, I think, moves us on to Dorian. Blade hammer. Joshua, what is Dorian doing right now? [01:55:23] Speaker C: I'll tell you what Dorian's doing. Dorian is going to use divine smite. [01:55:29] Speaker A: Yes. [01:55:30] Speaker C: When I make a melee attack, I can expend a spell slot to do extra damage. [01:55:35] Speaker E: Smite that, bitch. [01:55:39] Speaker D: You're welcome to try it. [01:55:41] Speaker C: So I take my battle axe in both hands, raise it over my head, and bring it down. Well, I guess I'm a dwarf, so, roughly, into the midsection of this angel. [01:55:55] Speaker D: Give me that attack roll 18. That'll hit roll damage. [01:56:02] Speaker C: So four, and then add a d eight. That's twelve damage total. [01:56:10] Speaker D: Very nice. Now, from what you know of angels, the radiant damage from your smite shouldn't be hurting it, but as your weapon connects, you kind of see this skin rippling. If it had skin, and it wasn't just this weird construct sort of thing. It's like you're clearing out an infection, and just part of it gets blown away by your attack. [01:56:39] Speaker C: Clearing out an infection, that's what I do best. [01:56:44] Speaker D: Now, there are three of you in melee, and it is the angel's turn, so this should be spicy. I pick up my d 20, and I clatter it down onto the table. The result is a two. That one was against Joshua's character, and this one is against Charles's character, and I'll clatter that to the table as well. And it rolls onto a one. [01:57:10] Speaker A: Having you take back everything I said about the dice hacks, we're best friends now. I'm totally apologize for all that energy I didn't want. I mean, now that it's working in my favor, you can see that my perspective changed a little bit. [01:57:19] Speaker B: Thank you. [01:57:21] Speaker D: The angel misses both of those attacks. Wonderful. I think that brings it back to you, Alex. [01:57:31] Speaker E: All right. Okay. [01:57:36] Speaker A: All right, kid, here's the thing. Before you touch that dice, right? [01:57:39] Speaker E: Yeah. [01:57:39] Speaker A: I wrote that whole poem for you. [01:57:42] Speaker E: Yeah. [01:57:42] Speaker A: I'm like, we just met, and I know you don't know me, but I'm kind of a big dealer on the situation. I've helped your friends here out of some trouble, and I'm the kind of guy that you want to have on your side, okay? So if you roll that dice and you fuck me by waste of that inspiration, let me just tell you this toes thing. Men, women, doesn't matter. I'm pansexual when it comes to freaking people out. I will find where you live, and I will suck your toes while you sleep. [01:58:08] Speaker E: I want a reckless attack just to be safe. And then I turn to look at the enemy in front of me. King Slayer says, you heard the bard. Time to tear your limb from limb. And as I'm still in my furious frenzy, I'm going to reckless attack. [01:58:31] Speaker D: All right, roll me damage for that, Alex. [01:58:34] Speaker E: Okay, so I get my mighty axe, and I rolled a hit. What do I need to hit this guy again? [01:58:48] Speaker D: You need a 16. [01:58:50] Speaker E: Oh, okay. [01:58:52] Speaker A: Come on. [01:58:53] Speaker E: Well, so I look at my dice, and I get really excited, because doing the math, the total is 24. This is amazing. And then I remember toes. Boy, I'm going to have to do some very creative lying here. I look at Charles, and I can see the curiosity and excitement on his face. And I just keep thinking about the toes. [01:59:21] Speaker A: I mean, well, come on. [01:59:24] Speaker E: I think I'm definitely going to have to use that d six you gave me. Okay, here it goes. Because I totally miss. I got a total of twelve. I'm not going to hit him. I just have to throw it and pray to God that it's high enough that he doesn't get slurpee for my feet. Fingers. And I throw it and I have. [01:59:47] Speaker C: To cheat a little bit. [01:59:48] Speaker E: And it's killing me in the inside. But I can feel with my finger the die is a six. And I think we're safe. And I remove my hand. It's a six. Charles is a six. This means I hate him. This is amazing. [02:00:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Excellent. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Alex Budy. Alex Areno. You're my new bestie. I'm going to make. We're going to have such great fucking fun. You and. Absolutely. [02:00:16] Speaker E: Just to clarify, though, I'm going to be wearing boots, though, right? [02:00:20] Speaker A: Oh, no, man. You can let him out. No socks, no nothing. Hang him up over the bed if he makes you feel any better. You and me, we're good. This one cocking my thumb at ivy. Different story. [02:00:30] Speaker E: Oh, okay. Cool. Cool. I look to Ivy, worry on my face, mouthing the words, I'm so sorry. [02:00:37] Speaker B: I just kind of shrug a little bit, shaking my head. It's nothing new. [02:00:45] Speaker A: Oh, boy. [02:00:46] Speaker E: Oh, boy. Well, I keep thinking to myself, the faster we kill this creature, the faster we can politely excuse ourselves and respect Charles's privacy and his snickles. So I swing with my axe. I hit. I do eleven total damage. [02:01:06] Speaker D: That's pretty good. At this point, I'm just kind of rolling my d 20 between my thumb and forefinger, thinking that kills him. Like there's no way around it. As this angel crumples to the floor, you get kind of the sense that the ritual is complete. The bindings are broken. And the three of you, standing within the inner circle, begin to feel this otherworldly presence sort of enter your bodies. It becomes one with your soul. It is everything the Lady Ravensquall promised. As you begin to feel the soul of Lord Ravensquall inhabit your bodies separately. You all are becoming the long lost king of Voris. [02:01:58] Speaker A: Wait, you mean she was telling the truth? Like, fight the monster, become a king? I thought this whole thing was that she was, like, lying and evil. And tremere. [02:02:08] Speaker D: I don't think this is how she meant it to go down. She expected maybe one of you to become king of Vorus. Definitely not all three of you. And yet all three of you are becoming inhabited by this soul of someone else, this person. You were once king of Voris. 300 years ago, you made a pact with a demon for immortal life, but that had certain strings attached. And behind the lines. All these years, the lady has been orchestrating your return. The three of you are now Lord Raven squall. And you are now kings. [02:02:52] Speaker C: So this is why everyone thought this shit was satanic. [02:02:56] Speaker B: I'm sorry, am I going to have to murder them now? [02:02:59] Speaker E: Why can't we all just be kings together? This is fun. We all win. This is great. [02:03:04] Speaker B: How can you all rule together? [02:03:07] Speaker E: I mean, it probably won't go well, but we'll have each other. Checks and balances and some other things. [02:03:13] Speaker A: Hey, I mean, it worked for the Romans, triumphant and all. [02:03:18] Speaker D: Also, you're all essentially the same person at this point, so there's synergy at least. Except for Raven Darkheart, you were standing outside the arcane circle. You are not queen, and you are not inhabited by the soul of any immortal demon lords. [02:03:36] Speaker B: That's okay. According to my character sheet, I have my own pact with the demon. And also anything that makes it so I'm not connected to these three. Totally fine with that. [02:03:48] Speaker D: Oh, yeah. So a conflict of interest. Yeah, that makes sense. [02:03:53] Speaker A: I mean, we can still connect if you wanted to. This Lord Raven person, how does he feel about tieflings? [02:04:01] Speaker D: He's rather power hungry. Or you're rather power hungry. I mean, you're here to become king now. You are King Schmendrick. [02:04:09] Speaker A: I'm on a level with you. I wasn't really talking about like the administrative relationship. I was thinking of something a little more. [02:04:16] Speaker D: Whatever you thought about them before is what you think of them now. [02:04:20] Speaker A: You know, Raven, I'm sorry you didn't get the crown out of this, but I've got a throne you can sit on. [02:04:29] Speaker C: Charles, shut up. [02:04:31] Speaker A: What? Josh, come on. Let a man have a little fun. [02:04:35] Speaker C: I've been listening to your fawn for like 3 hours. [02:04:39] Speaker A: I'm sorry. Your hound ship didn't mean know. No need to put me on a list. [02:04:44] Speaker D: It's cool. [02:04:45] Speaker A: Nope. Charles and I make a dramatic motion of zipping my way. Oversized mouth shut. [02:04:50] Speaker C: You know, if I play my cards right, I could live forever. All eternity. Every second I spend with you is longer than that. Eternity, Charles. I just wanted you to know that. [02:05:06] Speaker A: Wow. You sure know how to hurt a guy. They teach you that in hound school or you just come out of the oven like that? [02:05:13] Speaker C: I kind of came in like that. [02:05:16] Speaker A: That's fine. I see it. I'm going to try to stay professional. About it. It's fine. [02:05:23] Speaker E: Listen, I know feelings are high right now, okay? But I think what we all need to focus on. Yeah. And just take stock in, is that we were once three very different people, and now we have become one. We have merged together in that oneness. When three people love each other, they make it work. [02:05:49] Speaker A: Okay? [02:05:49] Speaker E: So we're going to focus on what we can do together and maybe stop hurting each other's feelings a little bit. Charles, buddy, you're very funny. Maybe stop trying to hit on ivy so much. And, Josh, you are objectively terrifying in ways that I only thought movie stars could be terrifying. And it's great, but I think if we can put this creative power together, we can rule raven manor very well. And then, who knows? Maybe that can translate to Chicago. We can rule polish sector. I don't know. What do you guys feel like? Where do you want to? I could go for a bite to eat. [02:06:36] Speaker B: God, I haven't had a poshki in years. [02:06:40] Speaker A: I don't think you can call them that anymore. [02:06:45] Speaker E: No, but the beer and the brats and the old. All the pierogies. Oh, I miss the pierogies. [02:06:56] Speaker D: At this point, I'm kind of just packing up my things, and I say, well, that's it. Basically, we want to skedaddle out of here before the. And I'll pick up a piece of mail sitting nearby and say, the Washingtons get back. [02:07:10] Speaker C: Wait. Hang. That's it? [02:07:13] Speaker E: This isn't your house? [02:07:16] Speaker D: No. This place was being fumigated. The family is supposed to come back any hour now. [02:07:22] Speaker C: Hang on. That's it. [02:07:24] Speaker D: Well, there is a little afterthought. The Lady Ravenswall does descend the stairs slowly, clapping her hands and saying, well done. I expected something different than this, but, my love, it's so good to see you are back. [02:07:43] Speaker A: She doesn't know the three of us, right? [02:07:45] Speaker D: She does. Her eyes focus on all three of you as you stand in the center of the room. She does not seem to really pay attention to Raven darkheart for the moment. [02:07:56] Speaker E: Is this like, a harem thing? Are we about to get freaky with her in a harem thing? [02:08:01] Speaker B: Okay, all right, I think we're done. That's fine. We don't need to continue this line of questioning here. [02:08:08] Speaker C: Wait, hang on. What about the rest of the power play? [02:08:13] Speaker D: She delivered on her word entirely. She was still evil. [02:08:19] Speaker C: But where are the other conspirators? Are they here, too? [02:08:28] Speaker D: Well, if you want the background of this scenario. [02:08:32] Speaker C: No, I mean the other conspirators against us. [02:08:35] Speaker D: There's no other conspirators. She has been setting this up. [02:08:40] Speaker C: What about two? Are the assassins here yet? [02:08:43] Speaker D: There's no assassins. This is all her plan. [02:08:47] Speaker A: I think what my friend, his royal township, is saying is that he's really interested in where this story goes. I got time, right? We could, like, a couple of weeks. [02:09:03] Speaker D: From now, I'll have to get somewhere nicer to play in. I can't keep house, so. And then I kind of give Ivy a look. [02:09:14] Speaker C: I got a place. [02:09:16] Speaker B: Yeah, I think letting Charles into Josh's place is a lot more likely to happen than letting Charles into my place. [02:09:28] Speaker C: You act like Charles isn't in your place all the time. [02:09:33] Speaker B: Oh, don't, Josh. I know you're just saying that to get my goat. I know, but I need you to not. [02:09:47] Speaker A: I don't want to get in the middle of this, but just out of nowhere, that reminds me, there was something I was going to go pick up, and I will rapidly start shoving the remaining snickels and then also the d four into my pocket and then obfuscate. Gone. [02:10:06] Speaker B: No. [02:10:10] Speaker D: Excuse you, Charles. Two weeks from now, Josh's house. We're going to continue. Bye. [02:10:17] Speaker C: I'm sorry, Ivy, but Schmendrick broke into your place to even invite you here. [02:10:25] Speaker B: No. [02:10:26] Speaker C: And she is a no skilled pervert. [02:10:28] Speaker B: No, because the nucheski are there. They take messages for me all the time. All the time. [02:10:38] Speaker D: I had my guy drop off her guys a letter so I didn't have to work all that hard for that one. [02:10:44] Speaker B: Yeah, because I have people that work for me that take letters and take messages for me, so. [02:10:53] Speaker E: Yeah, they're scientists, okay? Perverts can't beat scientists. [02:10:58] Speaker A: That's a fact. [02:11:00] Speaker D: As we're all kind of having this banter and I'm still tidying up, there is the gleam of headlights from the front of the house. And I go stiff for a moment. Go, oh, shit, they're back. They're back. Leave. [02:11:16] Speaker B: What? Oh, God. Okay, and I'll just start hurriedly. Kind of trying to clean up a little bit. I don't know why. I don't even know where any of this stuff goes, but I'm just going to shove it all into my arms and then try and get out the back door before anybody's the wiser. [02:11:39] Speaker C: See you in two weeks, everyone. And I make like Charles and obfuscate my way on out of there. [02:11:45] Speaker E: I start hurtly grabbing all my papers as I look at the door and thinking, go. Go. [02:11:51] Speaker A: Magic. [02:11:51] Speaker E: Vampire speed. Damn it hasn't worked that way. Then I turn to Schmendric. Okay, but. Schmendric? But what. But what happens next, though? [02:12:00] Speaker D: What do you mean, what happens next? Alex, you right now want to know what the three Kings have in mind for the future of Voris? Well, unfortunately, that's a story for another night. [02:12:17] Speaker A: You've been listening to the all night Society, an actual play podcast brought to you by Queen's court games. If you enjoyed your stay, be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast app for more content, including exclusive art and audio. Follow us on Facebook or Instagram at Queenscorp Games or on Twitter at queenscorp RPG.